News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 5 Jan 07)

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Some Toys are for Childerens, & Others are for Adultery
(Headline spanked in by

THE BIG APPLE (Daily News) -- 'Tis the season for inappropriate & offensive toys, say some parents groups. For example: "Happy Bathroom" is a tub holding a naked blonde woman & a fat, bald man joined at their middles & gyrating to music. "You'd be horrified if you're a parent & saw a couple copulating in a bathtub," said Alison Marek. Then there's a toy NYPD toy car with the steering wheel on the wrong side.... along with many bizarre others.
(Story via your perverted

I agree..that music's gotta go. (

They say condoms aren't toys, either, but have you ever filled one with water & tossed it off a roof? Now THERE'S some fun! (

Boo! on those prissy Victorians! What else would they expect to find in the Big Apple, but a Big Worm? ( Apparently, they've never been to the Village.

As for that NYPD car, not only is the steering wheel on the wrong side, but the headlights are in the back and the tail-lights in the front and...oh wait,uh.....never mind. (

Even worse... there's a can of soda... without soda! ( That ain't how I crush mine for recycling!

Yet they rejected my idea for "Rescue & Mountie Barbie," featuring a real table saw to save her from. (

Hell. who do you think posed for the bald fat man? Merry Christmas! The music playing was "I'll Be Home For Christmas butt I just didn't make it." (;

You know, after the WonderJock, Britney, orgasms for peace, spray-on condoms and now the Happy Bathroom, I'm seriously considering therapy. ( Your problem is that awful streak of "normality". Man, that creeps me out!

Now in toy stores everywhere: The Pregnant Barbie with Ken, GI Joe and paternity test doll set. (

How lame! Wait'll they see my S&M Mistress Barbie, with Ken the Slave and Bi-curious Skipper. (

Oh, so THAT'S why the Ben-Wa balls were on the shelf next to the yo-yos. (

Damn, think how many years I wasted enjoying a rubber ducky in my tub. ( This just in: The duck is pregnant.

Toys R Us has decided to pull Shtupple Me Elmo off their shelves. (

Even more offensive is the "Happy Public Bathroom" which comes with a bald man and George Michael action figures. (

Yes, stop it! These companies are giving my kid willies! ( And this upsets her?

Bizarre, as in HMO prizes? (

Sounds like Canadian nurse Sue Johanson is striking up a deal with Toys 'R Us. ( At last, we'll find out why they call Canadians "hosers".

Yeah? Do you hear ME complaining about the tasteful items in the adult toy shop? No! (

"And I even heard a rumor," says Marek, "that the TMX Elmo says 'Was it good for you, baby?' after he finishes his gyrating moan-fest." ( mean you can get a "boy toy" at the actual toy store now? ( You've got one; don't get greedy on us, Red.

Of course the toy NYPD car had the steering wheel on the "wrong" side....It was made for Toyotas R Us. (

Could be worse. At least the guy in the tub wasn't modeled after YOUR mother (you heard me right). ( DAMMIT!! THE VISUALS!!! So much for sleep....

Lucky thing they're concerned about sex-related toys. Otherwise, they'd be concerned about the violent ones. (;

At my age, a "Happy Bathroom" is one where my flow is strong enough to not dribble on the floor. (

I received 100 origami prizes from HMO and they all fold into the shape of a penis...wait, maybe it's just me. (

The Peevedbody Award – Take it from someone who, unfortunately, knows:

Well, that bathtub toy is certainly inappropriate. It gives fat, bald men completely unrealistic expectations of what they can accomplish. (

The Bullspitzer Prize – How does he keep wearing them out so fast?:

No "Black Jewish Barefoot and Pregnant Triple D cup Dwarf" Barbies this year? What a disappointment. (

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - FINALLY, a serious parent with some moral fiber:

No child of mine is going to play with a toy car that has steering wheel on the wrong side! It leads to British accents and bad teeth. (