News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 5 Jan 08)

Hosted by Bucko

Gorilla My Dreams
(headline flung in by maxcel200@aol.com, vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

NOTTINGHAM, UK (FUXNEWS) -- Officials at Arnold Hill School & Technology College were aghast after a stripper visited a student during class & whipped him in front of other students & a horrified teacher. She then placed a collar around his neck, leading him with a leash, telling him he had been a "bad boy" for not doing his homework. She then put on a Britney Spears tune and stripped for the shocked class. His mother, who sent the "greeting", had intended it to be a "Gorilla Gram" for his birthday.
(Poled in by kamasushi@gmail.com)

Interesting how the teacher just sat back and watched and allowed it all to happen. (tpanner@hotmail.com; seeker@vcoms.net, other paralyzed voyeurs)

Does anyone else think that the name of the news group, FUXNEWS, is funnier than the story? (e-marlon@sio.midco.net; maxcel200@aol.com) Sixteen entries before anyone noticed I did that! I live to entertain you.

Just imagine how surprised the guy in the gorilla suit was when he got to his appointment! (kirstenlmsw@gmail.com)

Damn, I thought the lady said "Whorilla Gram" That's the second time that's happened. That's how I got this job. (muck55@aol.com)

I'm sure that, after returning to his dorm room, he got a "monkeygram" after that incident. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) It was naughty, but no worries, he "disciplined" it.
After a 45 minute performance, officials decided it was not appropriate... the batteries on the HD handy cam were also low. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

The teacher shifted from aghast to applause when she got to the "not doing his homework" part. (skibip@aol.com)

Even more shocked was the stripper when the children tipped her with their lunch money, and the coins were cold in her crotch. (DOrr221@comcast.net) See, there's this whole gag involving a slot machine here....

Somewhere in England there is a very disappointed guy with a hard on and a birthday cake, and a confused guy in a monkey suit. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)

The teacher immediately filed a complaint with the teacher's union, claiming the whipping of student infringed on the teacher's contractual duties. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

Meanwhile, attendees at a Stag Party were bored to tears by Barney, who regaled the libidinous bachelors with a super G-rated rendition of "I Love You. You Love Me." (sadsack59@hotmail.com) The original lyrics about giving a dog "a bone" didn't happen, either.

She put on "a" Britney Spears tune? Is there more than one? (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

The mistake the mother made was asking for some shag for her son. (ankle_jay@comcast.net) So, you're saying that the carpet matched the- nevermind.

Why not? Teachers do that sort of thing in America all of the time. (flynnkj19@aol.com)

Oh my, yes, a naked woman is a much more damaging memory than a huge simian known to tear the heads off people who piss them off. (seeker@vcoms.net)

For an extra fee, she even ate the student's partially completed homework. (tpanner@hotmail.com) Next up: Taking his oral exams.

The whipping was fine, he didn't start screaming until the Britney Spears came on. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

So she actually meant for her son to spank his monkey in front of the class instead? (mitchwatts@yahoo.com) "I hope you brought enough for everyone, young man!"

Ironically, when this was exposed to the media, the stripper's teenage sister was pregnant just in time for her mother's new book on how to raise children. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

And no one even knew the Dean`s wife had a side job. (jdcoops3@aol.com)

The most shocking part of the Britney Spears act wasn't that she had no underwear. It was when she took off her wig! (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) So, that was the part when she gave her head....

WHAT?? Oh.... sorry, sometimes I don't even follow myself.

Appalled at the breach of school decorum, school officials insisted that any future strippers refrain from using Britney Spears tunes. (gerg17@comcast.net)

The Co-Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - That ain't all they whipped out:

Being that it was in a Technology College, all the students whipped out their iPods, took videos, and put the whole thing on YouTube.com. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com; tphyll@aol.com)

The Silver Shytekicker - K Fed boinked it, and found it better, too:

Fortunately, Child Protection sent the gorilla to take care of Britney's kids while she was away. (kirstenlmsw@gmail.com)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - She wasn't "prime" even when she was Prime:

It WAS a "Gorilla Gram". The stripper was actually Margaret Thatcher, who looks strikingly like a gorilla with her clothes off. (ankle_jay@comcast.net)