News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 6 Aug 08)

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Gaal Badder Operation
(Headline fluorided by

WINTER PARK, FL (Orlando Sentinel) Ann Greer is suing a dentist accused of dropping instruments down her father's throat, leading to his death. She took Charles Gaal, 90, to Dr. Wesley Meyers for implants to secure his dentures. In a 2006 procedure, Greer said Meyers dropped a medical screwdriver down his throat, requiring a colonoscopy to have it removed. In 2007, despite his daughter's concerns, Gaal returned to Wesley & a torque wrench was accidentally dropped down as well.
(Impacted story by

Mr. Gaal swears he heard, just before the procedure, "Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard" ( Stooge pigeon.

Why didn't the dentist just ask the old guy to "Cough it up Chuck!" (

Despite her father's death, Ann made a dental appointment for her husband saying, "He didn't like my meatloaf." ( At least HE didn't need a colonoscopy to get it out.... the diarrhea was awful.

If this happened 400 years ago, Ann could have found a loophole to make Wesley her indentured servant. (

Talk about being down in the mouth! (; & a bunch of other swallowers) (Yeah, I said it)

Tool me once, shame on YOU.....! ( Tool me twice, and I'll follow you anywhere.

This lawsuit has led to a new TV reality show "Tooth Or Consequences." (

The autopsy on Mr. Gaal revealed that his stomach also contained a smart phone, a powdered doughnut, a license plate and a "petite" dental hygienist. ( If he ate the hygienist, at least someone in this game was happy.

A torque wrench? He was there for dentures, not to have his tires changed. (

Meyers took out his iPhone to call his lawyer. Unfortunately, he couldn't be at the funeral to answer the call back ringing from Gaal's stomach. (

First a screwdriver, then a torque wrench....This guy's no dentist, he's a freakin' Canadian handyman named Red Green! (

Gives a new meaning to the phrase, "Tool and Die." ( I once had a girlfriend with a tattoo that said that in the most unusual place....

At the trial Ann was awarded one million dollars as the judge ruled that Dr. Meyers' actions were certainly instrumental to her father's death. (

I once had a screwdriver go down my throat....the orange part was good, but the vodka could have been stronger. (

Torque wrench? Looks more like a socket to me! (

Going to the dentist is a pain in the ass for me, too. (

Defense attorneys will use the good ol', victim's-secret-identity-is-Magneto defense. ( You can make people crap tools.... I could use a man of YOUR talents.

Hell, the girl will keep it up until the dentist gets the right "tool." (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

The case was thrown out of court because it didn't have any teeth. (

Is there a weird "Sharper Image" product that will result from this incident? ( Doubt it. The elitist bastards went bankrupt.

Only a few more visits, and he would have had the complete set -- including a drill. (

Why did the doctor/dentist go to all that trouble to retrieve his tools? If they were Craftsman, he could've went to Sears and had them replaced free. (

Meyers has modified his operation, along with the saliva sucker he now runs a coffee tube up your ass. ( That could make your spit brown, and for more than one reason.

Ann accidentally left the payment for the bill in the trash can and she's not liable either. (

The doctors went back for a thorough scan of Mr. Gaal's colon and managed to find a '57 Chevy that reportedly slipped out of the hands of his auto mechanic years earlier. (

At least after swallowing the torque wrench, Mr. Gaal could tighten his belt a few notches. ( A kewpie doll to the man who actually knows what a torque wrench is for!

No, you may not fuck the kewpie doll.

OK, if you really want to. Just send me the video.

A previous patients of Meyers' swallowed his dentures...wound up a lifetime of talking out of his ass. (

The scary thing is, Dr. Meyers is also Ann's gynecologist. (

It wasn't until his next visit, when the huge overhead light fell down his throat, that he began to have reservations, at which time he chose to get a second opinion. Unfortunately, it was too late and his colon burst due to "huge light in your ass syndrome." (

Heads up, kids, I plan to do the next update in two weeks!

The dentist also dropped his $10,000 diamond wedding ring down this patient which produced the world's most valuable Gaal stone. (

A torque wrench? At his age, that might be needed to tighten his nuts. (

Honest, though, many's the time I've been scrunched up in some awkward position in the middle of some aropund-the-home project, and wished I could pull a screwdriver outta ma butt. ( My advice, then, is to shove one up your ass.

The dentist considered lying, but realized he'd be charged with truth decay. (

A last minute trial discovery was that Mr. Gaal did an underground porn movie, a la Linda Lovelace, entitled: "Deepest Throat." (

Back in his day, Mr. Gaal was very popular in San Francisco. ( You're so sex-obsessed these days.... me like!

At least it wasn't Hartley from San Diego dropping things down the guy's throat, because we ALL know what "instrument" that would have been... (

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Impacted wisdom:

No reason to get so down in the mouth about this. After all, the dentist made two holes in one without even leaving the office, and the patient's daughter had de gaal to file a lawsuit and then settle for less. (

The Silver Shytekicker - Meyers hit the Mr. G's spot:

First a screwdriver down his throat, and then a colonoscopy..probably the closest thing to sex the old guy had in years..and no doubt the reason he made a return trip. (

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Who the hell needs an upside-down transvestite?:

These droppings also had the effect of feminizing Mr. Gaal changing his throat into a fallopenin' tube. (