News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 7 Apr 07)

Hosted by Bucko

Zoological Sexpedition
(Headline screwed in by

TAMPA, FLORIDA (Manatee Herald-Tribune) -- Genevieve Chandler's tour of Lowry Park Zoo was not the usual G-rated fare; it was “Wild at Heart!” night. Among the things she learned: Male pigs have a unique corkscrew endowment & impressive, um, output; manatees have orgies & don’t really care if their partners are male or female; & a male porcupine has only one 4-hour window a year to mate - very carefully.
(Voyeured in by

Wow! this story must've gotten you really hot & bothered to make punctuation like that ;) (; OK, OK, I'll explain in two words: Cad ;) I'll explain in one, kinda: HTML :)

Funny, it just sounds like "Spring Break" to me... (

Notice how they don't tell you how old Genevieve is? ( You ask, your fellow outpatients answer:

This is news, considering that Genevieve is only 8 years old. (

The good news is that Wild at Heart Night was free for Genevieve and the other pre-schoolers. (

Genevieve has now petitioned the Zoo's director to allow her to become one of the newest animal exhibits. ( Her request to be put in with the sperm whale was, however, denied.

Hypotheses: Male pigs could open a bottle of wine,drink the wine,then refill the bottle by making love to it. Manatees may be reincarnates of Caligula. The male porcupines observed were married. (;

If they wanted to exhibit amazing endowments, they why didn't they call me? (

To hell with the four hour window of opportunity for the porcupines, could there possibly be any time or posture for foreply? ( Sure! It's called porcu-petting.

The management would like to apologize for that lame tag line.

I can identify with the porcupine, thats about my window of opportunity for the year too!! (;

She also learned a hand in the bush is better if it flutters like a bird. ( FINALLY, a visual I like!

Listen, if I could open a bottle of wine with my wang before doing it, my output would go way up, too. (;

After contemplating this for a while, I am no longer offended by the phrase "All men are Pigs". And male porcupines are not much different than your average married guy. (

So far Dateline has a manatee, two porcupines and a molestrating prone silver back in jail! ( Oh, fine, but Tom Cruise is still running loose.

Maybe only four hours a year..but don't forget, that porcupine is just loaded with pricks. (

Big deal!!! This happens on a daily basis at the Playboy mansion. (

The White House faith-based zoo animal abstinence program found a liability loophole, but most U.S. Prosectors refused to prosecute. ( Well, so many of them have been fired lately....

Later that night, Ms. Chandler gingerly held an ice pack over her eye after having purchased a "pop-up" book at the zoo store. (

All of the men who attended the event are now trying to kill everything except for porcupines, just to look better to their mates. (

From what I've seen of could they tell the males from a females, anyway? ( To find out, you need a Slim Jim, a gallon of extra virgin olive oil and a Weedeater.

You know, when Cad was visiting down here, I took her to see a manatee. On being told it was male, it was all I could do to keep her from jumping in. She kept swearing it was just for the lettuce.

Porcupines mate once a year? Must be all Republicans. (

After yawning through the first half of the tour, Miss Ashley Devine, a tourist from Hollywood, CA, left early, saying "When are they going to show us some stuff we DON'T know? (;

So, how much does the pimp charge for this dealy? ( $50. Which is why I didn't go to "research" this story myself (only 50 miles from here).

So, in other words, pigs work like corkscrews to screw, the manatees will screw anything and if the porcupine gets a quill while mating, he's screwed. (

PETA was so concerned about the chimpanzee moral values that they freely donated three pallets of one-size-fits-all chastity belts. (

Hey! The animals at Lowry will get and deserve equal time. In fact, just today I invited a couple of orangutans over to watch me and the wife go at it. ( Funny, the neighbors said they thought they must be laughing hyenas.

Damn,I know I'm getting older, but being called a porcupine just pisses me off! (

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Taking on "The Big O":

"...manatees have orgies and really don't care if their partners are male or female" -- I guess that kind of explains Elton John, Rosie O'Donnell, and probably Oprah Winfrey. (;

The Silver Shytekicker - Evolution & geography can be SO cruel:

I guess if you're as ugly as a manatee, you might as well be bi. That way, everyone is as totally & equally desperate to get laid as you are. Sort of like being in Philadelphia. (

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Then they went blind, just like their frigging Mom said:

The baboons exhibited weird behavior. Many masturbated, immediately felt bad about it by throwing shit at themselves. (