News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 7 Apr 09)

Hosted by Bucko

Pubic Restroom
(Headline grabbed by Airfarcewon@aol.com)

MINNEAPOLIS MINNESOTA (ZipNews) Lois Feldman, 38 & a mother of 3 from Iowa, was at the Metrodome with her husband for a football game. He refused to accompany her to the restroom. Next thing she knew (so she claims), she was being handcuffed by Officer Luke Huck for having sex in a mens room handicapped stall with Ross Walsh, 26, a complete stranger, while a dozen people cheered them on. She faces a fine & 60 days in jail. Her husband blames himself for not realizing she was so intoxicated, while attorney Jeff Minnich has advised her to plead innocent for not knowing what she was doing, in spite of the fact that it's no defense under Minnesota law.
(Story zipped in by luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Maybe her best defense would be the sign over the restroom that read: "Unisex". (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

She was arrested while Ross high fived his way back to her seat and told her husband who decided to bail her out... AFTER the game. (Hey! They were good seats) (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

When asked to explain his actions, Walsh said that he was disappointed in the performance of the tight ends on the field. (gerg17@comcast.net) Ah, that explains why he went looking for sex in the MENS room.

At the time all this was going down, the Minnesota quarterback was also completing a pass in the end zone! (maxcel200@aol.com)

Sex in a football stadium restroom? I don't even want to RELIEVE myself in a football stadium restroom! (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

It's hard to become a mother of three if you don't know what you are doing. (ponytayl@cox.net) You've never met Cad, have you? Hey, I only have two...so I know even less! So there! Oh, wait...that's not right...is it?

Would you say that she was "flush" with excitement? (GerriHan65@aol.com)

Look, if people were standing around cheering, obviously the lady knew what she was doing. (seeker@vcoms.net)

And just what under Minnesota law makes her guilty and not Walsh? (skibip@aol.com) The rule of "Primogenitalature".

Dear Penthouse Forum, My name is Ross and I never believed these stories were actually true until last night when I was at the Metrodome mens room.... (CoyPsyche@aol.com)

Too bad she ran into Ross Walsh. If it had been Sen. Larry Craig in the mens' room, she'd be back with the hubby and kids in Iowa, none the worse for the experience. (skibip@aol.com) Meanwhile:

No word from Larry Craig's people on whether he's considering a run to re-take the championship. (seeker@vcoms.net)

At least the Vikings had a playoff game to cheer for... makes one really wonder what's going on in the bathrooms of Lions fans! (MrMisterman@aol.com)

Not knowing what you are doing is not a defense in Minnesota, it is a way of life. (pooks49@yahoo.com) That explains some of the stains....

In all fairness, the Vikings WERE playing the Detroit Lions. (odinsonthewise@yahoo.com)

Was it a Retro Metrodome? (retrometro@rogers.com) SHAMELESS!!

The 'handicapped stall' Walsh was using was for midgets and like the football game, as fate would have it, it turned out to be a low scoring affair. (maxcel200@aol.com)

It's safe to assume she is now a mother of 4...with crabs. (ponytayl@cox.net) Lice to see you, lady!

If she dad told her husband WHY she wanted him to accompany her to the restroom, he probably wouldn't have refused. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

Plagued by limericks following the arrest, Officer Huck was eventually compelled to change precincts. (gerg17@comcast.net) See?:

An officer, name of Luke Huck
Arrested two people having a....Oops, sorry, wrong contest. (retrometro@rogers.com)

According to Lois, Ross Walsh was a VERY complete stranger. (shep@compascable.net) Well, she DID get a thorough plumbing....

No defense under the law? Can't say God was her witness, either, because they took Him out of the courts, too. (retrometro@rogers.com)

Someone must have slipped her a mickey before the dicky. (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Minnesota had to change the "not guilty by intoxication" laws because the Vikings were using it during the game. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

This story says it's from "ZipNews"....Shouldn't that be "UnZipNews"? (retrometro@rogers.com) "Zipless", actually (Oh, go read "Fear of Flying"!)

Meanwhile, she was also boinking the lawyer, which means she was a Minnich-maid. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Welcome to Senator Craig's list. (tphyll@aol.com) Such a bargain, too! It wasn't a pay toilet.

When she got back to her seat, her husband asked "Did he get to see your great big ass?" She said "No, he didn't look for you at all!" (retrometro@rogers.com)

Did ya hear? I went to a porn film and a football game broke out. (muhltrayne@yahoo.com)

69 days in jail would have been more appropriate. (ponytayl@cox.net) Sort of like the end-around play that won the game.

Inadvisable defenses in the Metrodome? Anyone who's seen the Vikings play knows about that. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

She gets time in jail. What does he get? Fifteen minutes of fame and the opportunity to be on a f***ing reality show! (retrometro@rogers.com) TANJ (Oh, go read some Larry Niven!)

And on top of her criminal charges, the guy who was using the handicapped stall at the time is thinking of suing. (shep@compascable.net; strollo5@embarqmail.com)

In the arrest report, the charges included encroachment and illegal substitution. (gerg17@comcast.net) Why? What was he using instead of-???

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Walsh's middle name was ANN?:

Boozing and sexing Lois Feldman was also found to have an alias...Ann Heuser Bush. (maxcel200@aol.com)

The Co-Silver Shytekickers - Nun: "I hope you brought enough porn to share with the whole class!":

What the hell is this country coming to? Not one of those selfish bastards watching posted any video footage on you tube. (saxonraerae7@aol.com)

Clearly, Walsh has a serious medical condition that's just plain nasty:

Those cheering said it was eerily similar to watching the orange cheese drip off their nachos. (ponytayl@cox.net)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Hope Walsh wore a white "hood" for protection:

When they called the police for more help in restraining her, they relied on Luke Huck's Clan! (retrometro@rogers.com)