News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 7 Jul 08)

Hosted by Bucko

Okay, just because I am way nice...I am going to give everyone double Rat's Asses for these as well. - Cadeaux

Pubic Servant
(Headline crabbed in by Airfarcewon@aol.com)

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA (Union-Tribune) City Council candidate John Hartley said he would stay in the race despite his March arrest & no-contest plea, which came after 2 women said they saw him, parked in front of their house one evening, masturbating into a cup. He said it had been a long day of campaigning and that, as he later wrote in a mailing, he "had to take a leak."
(Story shot in by LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

OK, so it's a late update. Bite me, I been sick.

On second thought, don't bite me; I have enough problems, & I don't know where your damn mouth has been. I have my suspicions, however....

Lay off the poor guy, he was down in the poles, and just wanted to be viewed as beating something. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

He just didn't say WHAT he was leaking. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

Well, thank goodness Mr. Hartley didn't have to do a "number two", or Blacks Beach patrons would have had a full-blown scandal in their laps. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Maybe he should try for a Congress seat, he could become the Majority Whip... (Airfarcewon@aol.com; humorbear@aol.com) I think they do enough "whipping it out" in Washington as it is.... what do they call that? Ah, a junk-it!

Instead of pleading guilty he should have gotten an attorney to work for him Pro Boner. (tphyll@aol.com)

No jail time for Hartley?! Boy he really got off easy! (maxcel200@aol.com; ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)

Hartley, 65, missed the politician's, "green" smoke & mirrors moment. He could've said his new, 08 hybrid pickup ran on urine. (humorbear@aol.com) Nah. He couldn't pass the "emissions" test.

People around the office have since given him the nickname "Starbucks." Why? Because that comes in a cup, too. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)

Hartley, a councilman from San Diego, home of the world's largest naval base, naturally believes in 'all hands on dick' and 'yankers away'! (maxcel200@aol.com)

John Hartley's campaign manager: Sandy Wong (retrometro@rogers.com) Yeah, go read the archives....

Hartley, naturally, will be the "Natural Fluids" candidate; the opposition "Flacid Buddhism" non-party has announced their candidate will be the Dali Lama's pocket lint. (seeker@vcoms.net)

Hartley lost his City Council bid by nearly 500,000 votes. You could say he got his just comeuppance. (maxcel200@aol.com)

A vote for John Hartley is showing you agree that the citizens of San Diego should come first! (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) But he already beat them to it!

It is reported that John's friend Ca. Congressmen Gary Condit advised him to stay in the race cuz.. "Shit dude, I was re-elected. You totally didn't kill an intern or anything." (CoyPsyche@aol.com)

The credibility of the witnesses came into question a few weeks later when these same two ladies reported that a Samoyed was jacking off on their front lawn. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Police, who've been through the wacking wars, took no chances; they checked Hartley's fly, palm and eye sight. (humorbear@aol.com) Recovering one milky limp noodle, some coarse hair, and a pair of trifocals.

It's been noted he's "saving himself" for when he can start screwing citizens of San Diego. (arlenekader@aol.com)

If the candidate had any sense of style, he would have used a shot glass instead of a dixie cup. (gerg17@comcast.net)

He wondered why no one would shake his hand despite his firm, aggressive grip. (archerjoe@hotmail.com; lovepeaceguy68@aol.com) Maybe they didn't like him milking them for votes.

Hopefully, he came before his arrest did! (thatsflippinsweet@gmail.com)

Hartley received even more bad publicy when Monica Lewinski revealed she has the cup. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

Mr. Hartley later revealed that he regularly visits a local dominatrix and so is used to the humiliation. (tpanner@hotmail.com) Cue Mistress T:

Needless to say, the cup was left deeply unsatisfied. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)

I doubt if these ladies saw what they thought they saw...old John probably just changed a flat tire, and was trying to get the jack off. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The judge foung Hartley's actions excusable, since he was the in-cum-bent. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Sources confirm it WAS a Slurpee cup. (ponytayl@cox.net) Hee hee.... "cox"....

What he did in that truck was way out of the league of women voters. (humorbear@aol.com)

John, John, John - leave the lesbians alone. They obviously don't want to be bothered. (kirstenlmsw@gmail.com; NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

If John Hartley thinks anyone is voting for him, he's all wet. (retrometro@rogers.com) In his dreams, that is.

Hartley's campaign has since stopped using the "A man comming to fix city council." slogan. (Electronicwaffle@yahoo.com)

In his defense, his campaign slogan was "If you don't vote for me, I'll piss on you." You have to respect a man who keeps his promises. (PAdams002@hotmail.com) Howsoever:

He had to take a leak? Maybe he should see a doctor about that milky white urine. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

He'd have to be talented (or woefully inept) to make it into the cup. Wouldn't the cup have to be inverted to receive the, um, uh, final product? Then, wouldn't it just run out? (lhill@byrant.edu) You gave this waaaay too much thought.

What is really perverted is that it was a "sippy" cup! (mashallaha@aol.com)

Mr. Hartley was extremely confident he could beat the rap, too. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - When both parties come together:

Unfortunately, his promise to reach across the aisle is now seen as a vulgar threat. (stan@squidworks.com)

The Silver Shytekicker - "You got a permit for that thing, jack?":

This all wouldn't have gone down if Hartley would have displayed a 'handicupped' sign in his windshield. (maxcel200@aol.com)

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Running for higher office, but coming way short:

He was later quoted telling a close friend, "Not all politicians can afford a high-priced call girl like Gov. Spitzer. A Solo cup will do in a pinch." (arlenekader@aol.com)