News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 7 Jun 06)

Hosted by Bucko

Bottomley Rips a New One!
(Crappy headline inspired by that bum, tphyll@aol.com)

BOTTOMLEY, ENGLAND (The Towne Crier) -- Jeanne Wilding, 57, was hauled into court in this idyllic hamlet for malicious harassment, & cited for over 250 incidents. Her crimes included: Blaring deafening music, often with obscene & violent themes; Depositing dead animals, rubbish, dog feces, glass & nails on the road & in neighbours' yards; and beaming high-powered lights into their bedrooms at night. The UK judicial system came down hard, giving her an ASBO ("Anti-Social Behaviour Order"). If she breaks the order, only then is it regarded a crime.
(Lead story left in a burning bag on my porch by cringe4242@earthlink.net)

This Round's Ritual Abuse:

Oh, my God! The quality of this contest has dropped precipitously. Where are the penis references? The breast double-entendres? No beavers?!? Really, Bucko, you are so slipping...rotten judges. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Man, you have on the brain! (And nowhere else!)

Well, THAT'S where my mother-in-law went with her little wee idiosyncrasies. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Maybe she's a drinker, and what we have here is High-Jeanne-hic problem.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

On the other hand, if she does break the order, she will be offered her own reality show on FOX. (AuntShecky711@aol.com) What the hell does FOX have to do with reality?

How dare Britain do this? She was almost at three hundred! (timamod@aol.com)

Leave it to the Brits to expand into a legal document the time-honoured, "If I have to ask you ONE MORE TIME . . . " warning. (cdmauger@aol.com; old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

250 incidents in 57 years? That's less than 5 a year. Where's the problem? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) IN YOUR PANTS! (Sorry, I've been watching too much Letterman lately)

Oh, great! I finally trained Fido to go in the street or the neighbour's yard, and NOW you tell me it's a crime! (skibip@aol.com)

Wilding was quoted as saying "What can I tell you? I'm just not a people person". (amfpsych@aol.com)

Unfortunately, she broke the order by jaywalking, and was hung. (maxcel200@aol.com) But not half-assed; Bottomley made sure she was hung WELL!

I'm sure inmates wasting away, serving life sentences in prisons everywhere in the United States are pleased as punch to know that England has a "251 strike count and you're (almost) out" law! (maxcel200@aol.com)

Oddly, neighbours had no complaints about her 20-foot tall yard gnome. (jaynashvil@aol.com) Naturally; that thing provided them with the best sex they'd ever had!

Ms. Wilding should move to Manhattan - these practices are widely accepted there. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Jeanne Wilding explained she had over-celebrated when Ozzy and Black Sabbath finally got inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. (ericray64@sbcglobal.net)

Honourable Dis-Mention - He knows, because he's been there:

If she is convicted, she gets 30 days in the "hole." And, believe me, nobody wants to be in Bottomley's hole. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

The Peevedbody Award – She said she's a "Big Fan" of Wilding, right before she slept with her:

This woman needs ONE MORE chance to show anti-social behaviour? Who's the head judge in this case, Paula Abdul? (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize – She provides the town's "local colour"; brown, mostly:

Ms Wilder has long been the noted town rapscallion, and according to residents she just adds to the local flavour of their little hamlet. People come from all over to have dog poop and obscenities hurled at them. While visiting, tourists usually dine at the local Bistro <The Flaming Poop> and are encouraged to throw their own bodily excrement at Ms. Wilder. It is just good interactive fun! (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - So THAT'S why the neighbours were Cobaining, er-- complaining:

Ms. Wilding assured the court that Courtney Love had signed only a six month lease and would be out the beginning of July. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)