News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 8 Apr 06)

Hosted by Bucko

Australian Bushmen!
(Head-line by Whacker maxcel200@aol.com)

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA (The Courier-Mail) -- American sailors may not have a girl in every port, but there are plenty in Brisbane when on shore leave. There, they can find legalized prostitution & a plethora of strip joints. Nick Inskip, spokesman for the Australian Trade Association of Brothels & Strip Clubs, praised the American sailors. "The fellows are fantastic customers; they are so well-mannered... They're very aware that they're representing their country."
(News flashered in by stigg@cs.com)

What are these guys? A bunch of submissives? (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

This is a good place for that joke about the USS Ticonderoga, NY tattoo on the sailor's penis. (mashallaha@aol.com; bjjtoff@tds.net) OK. Feel like, oh, actually TELLING it?

Who would have thought that Down Under was the best place to get On Top? (rochford@netaus.net.au)

Man, Nick has really improved since he was just a pimp in New York. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

I dunno about you guys, but I'm going to put in a resume, if Mr. Inskip could use an assistant. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) Suit yourself. Personally, I'd rather work under the girls than work under Mr. Inskip.

Ex-President Clinton plans on making Brisbane his new winter retreat. "I had no idea they had...such...beautiful weather in Brisbane" said the delighted former Commander-in-Chief. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Ask not who your country can do for you . . . ask who you can do for your country. (cdmauger@aol.com)

Yeah, but the kangaroos say they're pretty rough (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Beastiality?! It's official: We've corrupted Daphne. Took us long enough! ;)

Gay sailors are furious about it. With "don't ask don't tell," THEY can't "go cruising" when out on cruise. (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)

Brisbane's new motto: "Where you can have naval maneuvers without loss of seamen." Or is it navel maneuvers without loss of semen? (tphyll@aol.com)

Yankers aweigh!!! (muck55@aol.com) Wankers aye-eigh!

Those Down Under had BETTER praise us...we can put seamen in any portal we choose! (paracletus3@earthlink.net; tygrhat40@yahoo.com)

For this reason and the fact that your average destroyer is seldom seen in the desert, Navy recruiting is actually UP. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

The acronym for the Australian Trade Association of Brothels & Strip Clubs is TANDA, not ATABSC as many would think. Somehow the French are rumored to have been involved. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

This Round's "Inexplicably Bizarre, Yet Funny" Entry:

The officials, it seems, feared that the alternative of placing spittoons at every corner next to the trash bins would be mistaken for public toilets or, even worse, donation receptacles for cloning DNA... (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Their new tourism advertising campaign is a little insulting - Paul Hogan invites the sailors to throw another shrimp in the Barbie (mitchwatts@yahoo.com; jaberwock@yahooy.com & a croc of others)

The dedicated soldiers will do anything for Bush. (jaynashvil@aol.com) Some are more loyal to the Vice President, and will do anything for Dick.

Oh, don't look at me like that, you handed it to me on a silver platter! (Thanks!)

Big deal. We have legalized prostitution here, too. It's called "marriage." (guitartexn@aol.com)

Plus, any attention drawn to them, and their wives find out. (tainsam@aol.com)

Look, if I've been out to sea for three months, I'm gonna injure a lot of people getting to the hookers. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

No matter how I try, the phrase "friendly fire" drifts into my head every thirteen seconds. (seeker@vcoms.net) Followed closely by the "ammo".

When the pimp says "Oy fellas, we got a couple of sheilas fer ye down at the chincy castle on the lee side of black striper", you get out your Australian-to-English dictionary and discover that he's really saying "your whores are waiting for you at that Motel 6 on the other side of the freeway." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The Peevedbody Award - A cutting remark off the top of his head! (Hint: Google the last word):

When the sailors didn't behave they were reminded that the first four letters of Brisbane are Bris. (maxcel200@aol.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize - The Air Force Academy always grabs 'em first:

Obviously, the Navy never hires people associated with the Minnesota Vikings or the Duke lacrosse team. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - That's what keeps the sailors coming back for more:

That's only because they've never brought a kangaroo and a boomerang into the bedroom as sexual aids. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)