News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 8 Aug 07)

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Going, Going, Ganja!
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JACKSONVILLE, ILLINOIS (Journal-Courier) -- A woman in reported the theft of a bong from her house. She told police that she valued it highly because it belonged to her son, who is in prison, and that it was all she had to remember him by. The report did not say whether or not the bong was loaded.
(Toked in by

"Get A Bong, Little Groggies" (

The woman also claimed that the thief absconded with all her common sense. (

A bong?? Don't most parents keep pictures of their children to remember them by? ( She has one.... but she's so wasted, she can't even see the bastard right now.

The judge sympathized with her missing her son. So, he put them in adjacent cells. (

Not only did I notice the typo in the first sentence, but I also noticed bull in the second, and the mystery in the third. ( Eh, mea culpa.

Hey, you have a typo - you meant "trailer" instead of "house". ( Apparently so:

What do you mean? The whole trailer park knows she has the baby to remember him by, too. (

The misty eyed woman, told Police, "I miss that bong. With my short-term memory loss from using it, that is my only way of remembering I HAVE a son." (;, other amnesiacs)

Police have called Bluntman and Chronic in to solve the case. They suspect this is the work of their arch enemy, The Toker! ( First, they had to stop at a convenience store run by some lame-ass clerk named Brian.

Luckily, the thieves didn't steal the crack pipe, so she still has something to remember her daughter by. (

Ironically, the son said he actually used the bong to forget about his mother. (;

Later the police did a Raid on the house for roach clips! ( Yeah, I remember metal shop, too.

The Bongnapper is currently #12,456,729 on the FBI's Most Wanted List, slightly above the Cookie Crook but just below the Hamburgler. (

She claimed she never knew it was used for drugs, she only wanted it back because it made a real good dildo. (;, other toy boys)

This is not a confession, but I was in jail with her son. I swear on my alibi, I know nothing about this sound of a big bell. ( Riiiiight....

She declared bluntly that such trouble with her joints were worsening her chronic depression, and was affecting her 'cannabis-do' attitude. (

The police suspected the woman's claim was a fraud, so they sent the bongko squad. (

So much for her believing her son when he told her it was a very rare 15th century Ming Dynasty flower vase. ( Whew! For a second there, I saw an extra "e". That'd put the "nasty" in "dynasty".

What a coincidence, since the police noted that her son had just broken out of prison. (

After searching her house, the police found other sentimental memorabilia such as grandpa's coke spoon, Aunt Edna's syringe, and an urn on the mantle containing her dead mother's stash. (

"Obviously, ma'am, you also don't remember that is the same heartfelt story you gave us three times before when you reported his chainsaw, axe and Uzi missing." ( Don't forget his collection of Bob Mackie gowns.

They still can't make sensamilla outta her report but they will still try and smoke the thieves out. (

That sounds like the time I got busted in Shop class making a wooden pipe and I said it was for a plaque I'd been working on to commemorate a friend's sobriety. That didn't work either. (

"Well, he remembers you from that 'MOM' tattoo he has on his butt, now more than ever. Painfully so." ( Yes, but think of all the sick fantasies he's helping fulfill. Case in point:

The press, afraid it may imply incest, would never reveal his lock-up name, "Long Bong Silver." (

And the police replied: "Mrs. Downey, if you want to remember your son, why not go to one of his damn movies!" (

Highly valued was her son's bong....Even more value? The marijuana in her back yard....You don't think she's that stupid, do you? ( Listen, you don't end up as the subject of a Mediacrity story by being Einstein.

When arrested, she tried to tell the officer it was really a "blow gun" to get off from the charge. No dice, as that particular officer happened to be gay. (

The Bronze Bullshitzer Prize - Man's best friend and fetch connection:

"Officers, please don't take away my son's druggie dog companion too. You know...the meth lab!" (

The Silver Shytekicker - The lowest's highest award:

And the 2007 recipient of the "Jerry Springer Excellence in Parenting Award" goes to..... (

And our Golden Gunkchunker - Doom, despair and agony on me:

In other news, hundreds of country/western songwriters pick up their pens and start writing after a flash of inspiration. (