A Real Santapede!
(Header suggested by "stealth-stocking-stuffer" Airfarcewon@aol.com)
AUCKLAND, New Zealand (CNfriggiN) -- "Santarchy", a worldwide movement that protests the commercialization of Christmas, went on a drunken rampage here. 40 people dressed as Santas robbed stores, assaulted security guards, & urinated from highway overpasses. Police spokesperson Noreen Hegarty said they also rushed through a park overturning garbage containers, and sprayed graffiti on office buildings.
(Topic shoved up the chimney by Kamasushi@gmail.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
But that would mean that Santa isn't real! waaah! Mom! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com; GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)
Note to self: Stop inviting lawsuits.
Later it was discovered these Santas were just 40 members of the Billy Bob Thornton fan club! (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Ah yes, because nothing says the commercialization of Christmas more than a clean, well kept public park. (email@example.com)
Fraternities all over the US were scrambling to see who could sign up this "turnkey" new chapter in Australia. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Bip: Put "I want an atlas!" in your letter to Santa this Christmas! ;)
They all sound like traffic offenses..."Hitting the guard-rail"..."Crossing over the yellow line"...and, "Illegal Parking" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
You better watch out. You better not cry. Santa will beat the crap out of you on his way by. (email@example.com) What if you don't believe in Santa? Does he still see you while you're bleeding?
We had a similar protest here in upstate New York, but people were unable to urinate from the highway overpasses since it was too da*n cold. (Always the lady.) (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Hegarty added that "Santarchy" is believed to be only one cell of a much larger terrorist organization rumored to also contain "The Great Pumpkinarchy", "St. Patriarchy", "Cupidarchy", "Pilgrimarchy" and "Peter Cottontailarchy". (email@example.com) They don't do the Fourth of July, though; "Firecrackarchy" just sounds stupid.
A spokesperson for the organization was quoted as saying, "We usually wait to Saint Patrick's Day to pull this crap, but no one ever notices." (HerzogVon@aol.com)
One of the Santa's was overheard to say "Wait till you see what we do for Easter, I got your surprise egg for ya right here" "HIC" The police immediately escorted Senator Kennedy away from the cameras. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The spokesman for Santarchy stated "We want to return to the true message of Christmas, and if our actions can bring about a return to the values we cherish, then what's a little piss on your windshield?" (email@example.com)
However, the activists' attempt to draw attention to their cause was overlooked when people mistook their crazy hijinks for a dead-on impersonation of Gary Busey. (firstname.lastname@example.org) ....who was doing HIS impersonation of Nick Nolte.
When he 40 Santas were arrested and tossed in a cell many suffered from Claustrophobia. (email@example.com)
The graffiti said "Merry F**king Christmas" which infuriated the masses who scribbled over it and wrote "Happy F**king Holidays". (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
Ironically, for fundamendalists these Santas became a Claus Celebre! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Note to self: See above two entries; then see other note about lawsuits. Will I never learn?
Worse yet was the behavior of the elves, which was so perverse it was not included in the report. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)
Grasping the irony, the Santas then added themselves to the naughty list. (Kamasushi@gmail.com; email@example.com)
Santa was out stealing shit and he STILL couldn't get me an XBOX360? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Whine, whine, whine! Maybe you'll leave the sheep ALONE this year, Jack!
When the real Santa was asked for comment, he replied "Who's got the movie rights?" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
In a grizzlier example of the recent trend, yet another Santa's body has been found lying next to it's own severed head. A head which at this time has no name. "I know his name", a grinning, anonymous Santa was quoted to have said, before laughing manically and fleeing the scene. Witnesses were only able to report that the suspect Santa was 'very tall' and seemed to have a fondness for the band "Queen". (email@example.com) Uh huh.... the crime was reported by some lisping Belgian claiming to be Scottish and carrying a Japanese katana. NOBODY'S going to buy that!
They explained they were acting out 'clause they felt belittled deep down inside theirs elves. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Awww.... poor little things!
Special forces had to be called in. At the end, it was Santas 0, the Maori fire dancers 40. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)
In Western Europe, a majority of the Polish Santas were apprehended while spraying graffiti on security guards or attempting to overturn office buildings. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)
I've heard HMO is distributing the "Santas Gone Wild" video. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com) Yes, indeed! And all proceeds will be donated to-- oh, who am I kidding? We're keeping them!
For forty days and forty nights were forty Santas picking fights. To everybody's great relief, their wives did show to spell the grief. They gently tapped them on their butts, then gently kicked them in the nuts. A great hoorah went up that day, for you can't have Christmas just any old way. If you're gonna have Christmas, my friend you will pay...and pay, and pay. (email@example.com)
In a true sign that this is "important news", Law and Order, CSI, and My Name is Earl each based Christmas episodes on the events. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)
In a related story, the Ford Motor Company announced a massive recall after the Santa urine from the overpasses stripped the paint off many late model Explorers and Expeditions. (firstname.lastname@example.org) BUT - For unknown reasons, it doubled their mileage. So, do your patriotic duty today, and wizz on an SUV!
Honorable Mention - Straight from the horse's ass's mouth:
One of the rampaging Santas explained, "That gimme gimme gimme attitude just got to me. I lost it. I was pissed and I pissed. Give me a break!" (email@example.com)
Co-Runners-Up - This just in from the "Main Stream" media:
With the proper lighting, 40 Santas urinating off an overpass makes for a pretty cool display. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Winner - It's a fair cop:
Police have admitted to some initial confusion concerning the Santas' actions saying, "At first, we thought they were just Americans." (email@example.com)