News That's Unfair & Off-Balance

(updated 9 Dec 06)

Hosted by Bucko

"Victor's Secret"
(Heads-up-line by GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com, of corset)

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA (KoochNews) -- Australian underwear maker AussieBum has just launched the "Wonderjock" for men who want to look bigger, & the firm sold 50,000 pairs in the first week. "The design separates & lifts; the fabric cup protrudes 'everything' out in front, instead of down" said designer Sean Ashby. "No padding, rings or strings." Customers had expressed an interest in 'enhancement', like women using the 'Wonderbra'.
(Mediacrity briefed on the lowdown by Cadeaux@aol.com)

OK, I'm late with the update.... sorry, I've been on stage, & "standing out" in front of audiences of 1,200 at a clip in my "Aussies", well.... Since it's the Christmas season, I'm going to celebrate by posting a ridiculously large number of entries. Partly to annoy Cad; mostly because you guys were so damn funny!

This brand-new product is named after a French author -- Balzac. (tphyll@aol.com)

Sort of like a horse race, where the wearers jockey for position (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Great - we're just one step away from the prosthetic crotch. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) OK, OK! I'll phone you as soon as one crops up.

those with viagra were told to use with caution as to avoid eye injury (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com)

Now she REALLY wants a cup of Joe. (tphyll@aol.com)

There has been an outcry from the women's self-defence groups who claim that refocusing the "point" of attack could mean an entire re-education process for the clients of the "hit 'em where it counts" program. (j_perreaux@hotmail.com)

They were actually developing a new protective jockstrap, but there was a cock-up in the design. (irochford@optusnet.com.au)

Just how enchanting can a little wiener be? (WJKbase@aol.com) Look, I'm tired of hearing about your personal issues, man.

A new film is currently in the works to publicize this new product, entitled "Load Of The Flys". (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Imagine the even bigger disappointment and "wonder" when you have to take it off in front of your loved one! (ldolphin34@hotmail.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com & others who limped in too late to score)

"Kooch"News? Those Aussies love to be direct. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com; CoyPsyche@aol.com) Nope, did NOT make it up.

'enhancement'? Isn't that a misprint? Shouldn't it be, 'enHanesment'? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

That's not a crotch bulge... THIS is a crotch bulge! (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

No padding, rings or strings... just a powerful magnifying lens sewed into the fabric. (stan@squidworks.com) Warning: Stay the hell out of the sun.

It's called "the quicker-PECKER-upper." (tphyll@aol.com)

Rings? Strings? I wasn't aware that previous enhancing male underwear consisted of bondage gear for marionettes. (scalpel@aol.com)

Yeah, and my Grandpa looks great in his. (lsamarri@aol.com) I am deeply concerned about you....

That rustling you just heard was 100,000 socks sighing in relief.. (thedraugr@yahoo.com; topsquark@yahoo.com & other foot fetishists)

I got one. Want a weefund. It just smashed my jewels. My girlfriend plans to sue them. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

This lends a new meaning to the phrase "penal colony." (tphyll@aol.com) Leave it to you to Kafka that one up.

Then there was the well-endowed Wonderjock-wearing diplomat from Australia that left other men jealous with penis envoy! (maxcel200@aol.com)

I can hear it now....Men saying they're a size 36 with a D cup. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com; tpanner@hotmail.com)

So would this be called a "Cad-piece?" (topsquark@yahoo.com) Clever, yet he fails to remember that Cad isn't the one that judges this contest. So I don't think I'll pick it....

An unintentional market has since opened up. The local proctologist has ordered a thousand units to be worn backwards by their hemorrhoid patients. (fparsons@yahoo.com; Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

It comes in three sizes -- small, medium, and oolong. (tphyll@aol.com) The last one fits you to a tea.

50,000 in a week? That's volume sales! (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

So women, now that you know where the beef is...you can now focus on the buns! (maxcel200@aol.com)

The next new thing in menswear will be miniskirts. (tphyll@aol.com) Well, maybe YOU could get away with wearing a miniskirt, but I'd get arrested for exposing myself for just standing there bored on a really cold day.

One of the first to order the Wonderjocks were some newly-erected members of Congress, but the company could not fill the order, with the explanation: "Sorry, but Wonderjocks do not come in Size Extra Petite." On the --ahem -- up side, the orders from Nancy Pelosi, Kay Bailey Hutchison, and Hillary Clinton were all accepted. (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

Not to be confused with the enhanced Foster Farms chickens..the Wondercocks! (maxcel200@aol.com) I should choke you AND your chicken for that one!

Nice try, Bruce, but she's gonna notice your face eventually, and THEN you're screwed. But not f**ked. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Give me the good old days when men good men just used to stick out like a sore thumb. (maxcel200@aol.com) Sore from WHAT, exactly? No, don't tell me.

And among the first 25,000 orders were Sylvester Stallone, and the guy who played 'Pee Wee' in the movie "Porky's". (MindgameFiziks@hotmail.com)

If only they had been around during the 80's ... Imagine how many tube socks would have been spared an ugly fate. (CoyPsyche@aol.com)

Is this like pricking up your ears? (tphyll@aol.com) No, it's gearing up your- you get the picture.

The male Aussies really started this craze when they were getting constant replies of:"He was hung like a koala." (humorbear@aol.com)

Now what am I going to do with that potato I have been wearing there? Move it to the back? (mashallaha@aol.com) I'd advise you to dump that idea.

Just one more thing to hold me in suspense and keep me up at night... (Lucretio_Manna@yahoo.com)

The TV ads show a line of soldier recruits all wearing this underwear in 'full salute' standing before their drill sargeant, to the background music of Duran Duran's "I Wanna Take You Higher." (luganrn77@yahoo.com) How DARE you mention Duran Duran in my contest? Bailiff- whack her a few times with a Lithuanian pole!

Ya' know, at least you've gotta give some of these people credit for admitting they need enhancement. That takes some balls. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

Now if they could only do something about my man-boobs. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) So much for sleeping tonight....

In this corner, vying for the "Mediacrity Bitch of the Week" title:

All the easier to kick, my dear. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)

Lifting and separating still won't help the "magnifying glass and tweezers" crowd. (GerriHan65@aol.com)

Unnecessary. We don't need that to know that a man is a prick. (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com)

Why didn't they have them 50 years ago, when I was still a Horny Buck? (NITRAMXXX@aol.com) I think you're probably scoring more than most of us NOW, Mr. I'm-90-and-Hitting-Vegas! (And would it have killed ya to say "Horny Bucko"?)

Yes, but what happens to that protruding-of-everything-out-in-front if you're playing Aussie football? (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) Does the word "placekick" mean anything to you?

You can call it something else that rhymes with "Wonderjock," but....I won't go there. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) That's not what I've heard.

Please send me my money back for the WONDER JOCK. I just can't keep the dolls from hitting on me. Just to find out if the lump is real. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

So what's so new about this - ballet dancers have been doing it for years. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) Let me tell you from experience - those things (called "dance belts") are Inquisition-quality.

As his latest "art" project, Cristo now has 50,000 well-hung kangaroos running around the Outback wearing jock straps. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

You know, I actually resent these bastards for thinking women are THAT stupid. Even a blonde can figure out that a pencil sticking out instead of down is still a damn pencil. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) Damn! Clever play for the babes, Grigs, old spur- er, SPORT!

As a result, "zipper injuries" are up 250% down under. (strontium901@juno.com)

Now if they made the WonderButt, maybe they'd get sales from Jennifer Lopez....Oh, I forgot....she doesn't wear underwear. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) That's Britney! That story was also in Australia's KoochNews. See?:

Britney Spears wanted to buy some, but she couldn't figure out who the recipient would be. (tphyll@aol.com)

Of course, the rapid sales are because the company started a rumor that "these things suck." (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!! I can't believe I said that!) (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) You DID, Little Red, & I have 6 billion witnesses. "Newlywed Syndrome" (I'm not implying that you're constantly thinking about sex. I'm coming right out and saying so!)

First the WonderBra, now the WonderJock. What comes next? I guess it all Depends. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com)

Not to be used by lawyers. It will take them too long to present their briefs. (tphyll@aol.com)

The problem is, that they may look big when you're dressed, but my lady got pissed off when the naked truth was staring at her. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com) Well, if it was "staring" at her, at least it was working right.

The Peevedbody Award – A "View" that's more than you bargained for:

In other news, Rosie O'Donnell has signed an endorsement deal with Chock Full O' Nuts to promote their new panty line. (mulepiper@yahoo.com)

The Bullspitzer Prize – But that eye patch looks so sexy on you:

Of course, it's all fun and games until someone puts a midget's eye out. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

And the IgNobel Prize Winner - An eye for an eye, and measure for measure:

Finally, I shall have revenge on all those nasty men and their "itty bitty titty" remarks! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)