(updated 10 Dec 04)

Hosted by Slyph

Well, Slyph is going to take a little hiatus so he can attend to personal things...in the interim period, Bucko has graciously agreed to fill in.

NEW YORK CITY -- New York's historic landmark, Algonquin Hotel, where famed wit Dorothy Parker, Robert Benchley, George S. Kaufman and Harold Ross often gathered at the "Round Table," is offering a $10,000 Martini, complete with a loose diamond at the bottom. Today, Parker's ode to the martini adorns hotel napkins: "I love a martini - but two at the most. Three I'm under the table; Four I'm under the host."

[Feel free to comment on any aspect of this story. Literary allusions will be looked upon with favor! Also references to the "certain someone" ;)]


Drunk AND Stoned
(Title suggested by DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

NEW YORK CITY -- New York's historic landmark, the Algonquin Hotel, where famed wit Dorothy Parker, Robert Benchley, George S. Kaufman and Harold Ross often gathered at the "Round Table," is offering a $10,000 Martini, complete with a loose diamond at the bottom. Today, Parker's ode to the martini adorns hotel napkins: "I love a martini - but two at the most. Three I'm under the table; Four I'm under the host."


Mea Culpa Section: OK, I'll TRY not to do this again (though nobody complained); I picked a story that included great potential for literary allusions, and not everyone has read said works. However, it STILL resulted in a slew of great entries, literary and general! Downside: not everyone will get all the entries listed. Upside: Thanks for the great participation and story suggestions, keep 'em coming! And hey - all you very funny people? Get your butts over and play with us on the Forum! (Hint: You can say damn near ANYTHING you want!)

After doing a little research I found out that these people like died a long, long, long time ago. Way, way, way before I was born so I'll just leave this one to the more seasoned members of HMO and will get my grandmother to explain the winners entries to me. (saxonraerae7@aol.com) Hey! >:(

The first sale was to a pack of beavers from Louisiana. (Ringo@illuSchoen.net) Dammit, not THEM again!

The Literary Section:

Too many martini's can make Tonstant Weader/Dwinker fwow up... (GerriHan65@aol.com; cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

As I sipped Champagne with Mary Smoother - I wondered if she'd becoming my first lover -When on a napkin I read - How to get a girl into bed - So I ordered her another N another. (SPTirish@aol.com)

I love being a pessimist, but I'll never be as good at it as Dorothy Parker. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com) Faboo!

After a few too many martinis at the round table, Ms. Parker Decided to call it a KNIGHT. (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com)

After drinks with O'Reilly at the Algonquin hotel - I saw him on the bathroom floor where he fell - The diamond in his martini - Got caught in his weenie - Hurt more then Kidney stones, I could tell (SPTirish@aol.com) Ow! (Sigh) I knew a penis was gonna show up in here somewhere...

How Stupid Are You Look At The Price! Is it the Hope...? That's not nice... This surely isn't lawful Goofuses give... Stay away from this damn scam... You might actually live! (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

The Crossover Section:

I love a martini-but two at the most. Three I'm at HMO; Four I begin to post. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

That explains a lot...

Dorothy would get quite a laugh if you actually flipped that napkin over to read the reverse side, "Five I'm seeing double...six I'm quite a bore...seven I'm in deep trouble...eight I'm a drunken whore." (OldNYer@metlife.com)

The Algonquin Hotel...isn't that where Calhoun, Kingfish and the rest of the "Mystic Knights of the Sea" crowd used to hang out? (HerzogVon@aol.com) I'm not sure... ask Saxonraerae's grandmother.

Okay, let me see if I can remember this old ditty straight: "Pearls in the wine...Pearls before swine; Loose diamond in a martini...Loose woman in a bikini." (ThadtheImpaler@earthlink.net) Yes, BUT the Algonquin has that pesky dress code...

The Pubic Domain Section: (oops... that's "Public." My bad!)

The host, of course, being Kobe Bryant. (dangerwulf@aol.com)

It sounds like the fourth martini is the proverbial "dirty martini". (stan@squidworks.com)

I don't think Martini's are supposed to be on "ice". (Ringo@illuSchoen.net)

Yeah, it seems like a high price but do you also get to keep the glass? (Airfarcewon@aol.com; Ringo@illuSchoen.net) PLUS one night with the Round Table corpse of your choice!

This sounds something McDonalds might do. Offer a 100 pound Big Mac perched on a defibrillator. (humorbear@aol.com)

$10,000??? What do they do, kill a Russian & squeeze him in your glass? (gmg247@yahoo.com) Yep, it's Putin there.

Despite the martini's lavish style and history, a survey conducted Tuesday found that 99% of Americans would still rather get wasted through beer with the COORS Twins. (noveed@yahoo.com)

For $10,000 they better stir in some of Dorothy Parker's ashes too. (richdiandkids@optonline.net) Post-inflammatory cannibalism. Hmmm....

Coincidentally, the Pentagon catalog offers the same martini glass without diamond for only $5,000. (rod.renner@juno.com)

Yogi Berra had this to say when he heard about it, "If that $10,000 Martini has a loose diamond rolling around on the bottom of the glass, it better have a pretty woman attached to it by a ring". (ZulusBall@aol.com) That would be one swutting BIG glass.

You know, this would go just great with that $1000 omelet at "Norma's" in Manhattan. (OldNYer@metlife.com)

All I have to say is, if I'm buying my date a $10,000 martini, she better be a whole lot looser than that diamond. (ThadtheImpaler@earthlink.net)

It's made with Absolut vodka...and is affectionately called the "Absofuckinglutly Too Damn Rich For Words" Martini (OldNYer@metlife.com) Can we get the unedited "F word" past Cad? Stay tuned!

So, eight hours after swallowing one of those martinis, can one expect to see a diamond-in-the-roughage? (MrglsJon@aol.com)

A $10,000 martini at the Algonquin? Big deal. For $200 you can get a sloe screw at the Paris Hilton. (hicktopia@hotmail.com) That was YOU in that video? Er, not that I've seen it.

If you took all the martinis consumed at HMO and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised...if they reached from New Jersey to Alabama. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com) FINALLY the "Certain Someone" is outed!

The Practical Advice from Bucko Section:

Never, NEVER take Cadeaux to the Algonquin!

The Norelco Prize for Literature for buzzing 15 Kaufman plays into one entry:

The "First Lady" was not just "Someone in the House," she was an "Angel from Texas" whom I met by the "Stage Door" and asked "To Dinner at Eight." We met at the Algonquin, which sports a "George Washington Slept Here" sign, and all she said to me was "Dance, Charlie, Dance." Of course, I had "No Place to Go" so I played "The Expert" and spent my time "Dancing in the Dark." Unfortunately, my "Silk Stockings" slipped down and I looked, for a moment, like "The Late George Appleby," but I was able to make a recovery like all "The Good Fellows" and joined "Elmer and Elsie" back at the table and enjoyed our martinis with "Animal Crackers." (william.fishburne@verizon.net)

The Propheticapathetica Runner-up:

Compared to the future divorce, this is a cheap date! (WJKbase@aol.com)

And the Winner... what's lunch at the Algonquin without the correct etiquette?

How quaint. A drink with a diamond. One would wonder what proper protocol would be. Spit or swallow? (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com)