(updated 10 Feb 05)

Hosted by Bucko

Putting the Bite Back in Crime!
(Header suggested by Airfarcewon@aol.com)

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Deprived of their flat-screen TVs, mobile phones, pizza deliveries and long visits from lovers, inmates at Mexico's top security prison complained on Monday they are being treated "like dogs."
(Topic suggested by old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Note from Cad: Damn, Bucko...next time why not just pick them ALL! Sheesh...how freely we dole out the Rat's Asses when we aren't the ones paying for prizes/shipping. Don't make me put you on MY payroll. ;)

This Round's Ritual Abuse:

Just goes to show you; if you lie down with dogs, you wake with flee-jolies. (Angelina's skaggy sister, I guess.) I don't understand. On that last one, you used every possible pun on snot, but rejected snotty; a perfectly good synonym for snobby or snooty. Warum? (HerzogVon@aol.com)

To add insult to injury, they also complain that their NYCM entries are never selected as winners. (stan@squidworks.com) Hey, after the lifestyle THEY'VE been enjoying, they can kiss my ass!

Well, they're bad, and don't deserve to be treated like CATS! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Men in prisons? Long visits from lovers? Like dogs? What's news about that? (skibip@aol.com) Little things.... like them operating their drug cartels from their cells. And refusing to cut the guards in. Where are people's MANNERS?

HOLY SHIT! They have flat-screen TV's in prisons in Mexico?! C'mon honey we're off to Mexico. (timamod@aol.com)

Sounds like it was more like a Frat House...than a Dog House.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Sure, but there was plenty of "going Greek" anyway.

The "treated like dogs" inmates where promply sent as recipe fodder to a gourmet, Far Eastern restaurant. (humorbear@aol.com; jajuta@comcast.net)

Yes...and their pate de foie gras smells suspiciously like Alpo.... (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

The guards warned them to shut up or else they would kill them and cook them in a tomato and onion sauce and eat them. (mikepena@socal.rr.com) Geez, you guys never let anything go, do you?

Officials relented slightly and threw inmates a bone or two... they would be walked on a leash twice a day in the courtyard and on the prison bus they could put their heads out the window. (rod.renner@juno.com)

One warden, who used to work for U.S. immigration, was reprimanded for calling all his cell block "border collies". (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

The "Thank You SO Much for the Charming Visual" Section:

First indication of being treated like dogs is when one inmate kept dragging his itchy colon in the court yard. (humorbear@aol.com)

Treated like dogs, huh? Well, what do they expect, when every night, they're in there burying their bones? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

It's a dog eat dog world... now go have fun doggie-style. (jsalava@charter.net)

How many dogs get anally-raped in the showers? (gambleandbluff@aol.com) I have the stats, and some video, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to see them.

At least they can make up for those long visits from lovers with what they have on hand. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

The warden has relented somewhat,and will be allowing conjugal time with the pizza delivery man. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

I don't treat my dogs like that. They're welcome to watch my TV, eat pizza table scraps, and enjoy long visits with guests' legs. (dart270@geocities.com)

When they realized that complaining wouldn't help, they went back to scratching themselves, licking their own balls and sniffing each other's assholes. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com; e-marlon@sio.midco.com) Then again:

Adding insult to injury, the inmates actually have it worse than dogs since they are no longer allowed to sniff each other's asses. (comedian2000@hotmail.com) See, it's the indecision that the inmates can't stand.

...which is about the time that they started humping everything that moves. (amfpsych@aol.com)

The "Well, there's SOME Good News" Section:

That explains the spike in ALPO stock. (AnthrStupdSN@aol.com)

They couldn't be more wrong - I've seen the "Doghouse" episode of Monster House. (atwright73@yahoo.com)

Some of the inmates will make money from the K-9 comment. They're starting a desert Iditarod competition. (humorbear@aol.com) What a long, strange trip....

Well, at least they still have their limo drives around the exercise yard. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

Fortunately, they were allowed to keep weapons to combat boredom and overpopulation. (mwatts@nhtrico.com)

However, you can still get shotguns, metal files, and pounds of C-4 for 1 pack of Marlboros an item. (paracletus3@aol.com) Wow! Even lower than Wal-Mart!

The "Just Desserts," AKA the "I'm Sadistic and Proud!" Section:

My canine insists I shall have to write a letter of public outcry about this outrageous ethnocentric slandering - right after I finish serving him his afternoon brie and sauvignon. Excuse me, mon sieur. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

...and to top if off the French chef put the wrong sauce on the Escargot. (humorbear@aol.com) Eating SNAILS? That's inhuman!

They'll have to rearrange everything if they have to use a standard console TV. Where will they put their DVD players, or their computer towers? I mean, be reasonable. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

To prevent making liars of them, officials should cover them in Alpo, and bring out the K-9 units. (lacee7700@aol.com)

Of course, the electrical shock collars, muzzles and huge black leather spiked collars don't necessarily help the matter. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com) Look, your order will be in at the S&M shop next week; it's not their fault that the warden sent them such a big order.

Hey! If those inmates in Mexico heard how we in America treat our inmates, I bet they would change their tune and start wondering why they aren't complaining more. (saxonraerae7@aol.com)

Law-abiding Mexican citizens say "It's about time they were treated like the rest of us!" (rose_justice@msn.com)

Hey I've been deprived of flat-screen TVs, mobile phones, pizza deliveries and long visits from lovers for some time myself, and you don't hear me complaining! (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) That IS a complaint! Oy....

They would riot, but they keep getting yanked back by their leashes. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Deprived of their gourmet rawhide bones, velvet chew toys, "Lassie" DVDs, and Gucci flea collars, dogs complained on Monday they are being treated "like Mexican inmates." (joseph.blevins@verizon.net) DAMN YOU, PETA!!!

Officials relate that cutting privileges was neccessary to reduce the number of break-ins.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Honorable Mention for using sarcastic hyperbole for revenge:

Like dogs, huh? Well, February IS Spay and Neuter Month, guys. Wait until they find out they are scheduled...(ParisLuvsMe@aol.com; noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

The "You Go, Girl!" Runner-Up:

A spokesman for the prison disagreed. "Well, let's see," he said,"Dogs get free food and water, piss and poop wherever they want to, are continually petted, and when they die, all dogs go to heaven. You guys can eat and relieve yourselves only when we let you, the petting is seldom consensual, and when you die, you're probably going to Hell. So how are you like dogs again?" (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

And the Winner:

"Untrue," says the warden. "But wouldn't you love to adopt one of these frisky rascals? Here's a little inmate from Chihuahua who's just bound to capture your heart." (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)