(updated 10 Mar 04)

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Unsolicited ASSociations

NEW YORK -- Advertising writers in Florida were planning to pitch hemorrhoid-relief products with a commercial featuring Johnny Cash's classic song "Ring of Fire."
(Topic courtesy of ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Why not a song by "Hole"? (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com)

...then the puritanical, fascist FCC-Prude-Parade came down on them, fined them $13 million, fired them all, threw them in prison for 37 years, and said, "Thou shalt not make reference to the anus!" all because of 1 breast on the Super Bowl...Thanks Janet! (tmhayes18@cfl.rr.com) "Alright, thhayes18, take some deep breathes... good air in, bad air out... now, find your 'Happy place'... see the pretty green meadow? See fuzzy little bunnies? Touch the little bunnies... ahhhhhh, fuzzzzzy..."

And Trojan wants the rights for Johnny's version of "I've Been Everywhere". (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

And the Out-of-Left-Field award goes to...

Meanwhile, negotiations are also underway with MTV to secure Beavis of the network's popular "Beavis and Butthead" animated series as the product's official spokesperson. Although MTV could not be reached for comment, an official source confirmed that Beavis is currently in the studio recording a Mel Tillis inspired version of Cash's song retitled "Ring of Fire...Fire!...FIRE!!!" (MedCheryl@aol.com)

Naturally. It's really hard to find a word that rhymes with "hemorrhoid." (chharget@aol.com)

In related news, the new Vaseline commercials will feature the Divinyls' "I Touch Myself" as its background music. (zenphoenix@yahoo.com, mykehalpinstudio@aol.com)

This from the same folks who brought you "Florida: God's Waiting Room". (beachboy200@yahoo.com)

The same agency was caught trying to sell the rights to "A Boy Named Sue" to a bunch of ambulance-chasing lawyers. (MooseSpeak@netscape.net)

I don't know who Tom T Hall is, but he knows how to sellout. The winner is:

Not to be outdone, Tom T. Hall has released his new single, "I Love Tampons". (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)