In Like Fins
(Header Coburned in with a rubber by Airfarcewon@aol.com)
HOUSTON, Texas (The Observer) -- 36 US Navy dolphins, trained for military purposes, may be loose in the Gulf of Mexico after recent storms. Watchdogs of the program claim the cetaceans could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns, and are looking to "pinpoint spies underwater." Divers and surfers may be at risk; the species is among the planet's smartest. Not surprisingly, the Navy refuses to confirm that any are missing.
(Topic flippered in by email@example.com)
This Round's "WTF?? Entry":
You know, after reading this week's NYCM and being freaked out by the fact we have an underwater army of killer Dolphins protecting the waters, I had a dream. US intelligence strapped parts of bombs to the back of ants. Then sent them into enemy territory. Once there they assembled into a bridge (which ants do, well according to that movie Antz, they do) once assembled they form a perfectly built bomb. I woke up there and thought WOW I am suffering with some kind of psychosis (OK well not suffering because I am enjoying it) I should apply for a job with US defense Intelligence. :) (firstname.lastname@example.org) I'm sure you'd do a much better job, even as stoned as you apparently are! ;)
I hope you brought enough to share!
"Look Mommy, it's Flipper! Oh shit, he's packing!" (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org, lots o' other scaredy-catfish)
In a similiar story the Air Force still refuses to acknowledge the existence of a group of escaped pigeons that were specifically trained to crap on newly washed cars. (email@example.com; NonComposMentiss@aol.com)
Since it's the Navy, no problem..those sailors are all experienced at going out and looking for tail. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; OldCurmudgeon@hmoforum.com, other wharf-walkers)
"By this time, I was gasping for air..and my butt REALLY hurt!" (Lloyd Bridges as Mike Nelson.) [You don't remember "Sea Hunt", do you? Here's hoping someone does.] (HerzogVon@aol.com) Yeah, I remember.... why did Bridges always look like he was severly constipated?
Hmm, weapon-toting dolphins..Maybe one of 'em could be the new James Pond.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; Saxonraerae7@aol.com)
In true Navy style, 30 of the dolphins were rounded up by MPs after starting a drunken bar room brawl at a Houston club, two were picked up at a tattoo parlor, one was arrested while trying to pick up a prostitute and three were apprehended by the Coast Guard attempting to smuggle several pounds of marijuana from Mexico. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)
Realistically, getting shot by one of those things can't be any worse than getting poked in the ass by a hypodermic floating in some oceans. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Don't forget "beach whistles"!
The Navy also mentioned that if anyone spots any sharks whose eyes shoot lasers, they're not missing any of those either, but to contact the Navy immediately. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
On the plus side, three Navy dolphins were seen shooting underwater sea mines while performing a triple back flip half-nelson somersault. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yeah, yeah.... if I had a nickel for every time I'VE done that....
The dolphins have also been trained for rescue missions. Some believe that they are currently trying to find Nemo. (email@example.com)
Hey, if anyone encounters one of these creatures immediately make a 'cetacean's arrest'! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Now, just where is a dolphin supposed to conceal a "toxic dart" gun? This could definitely play hobbs with one's blowhole. [I know fucking well that playing, or raising hobbs (hobs?) is a valid expression, but you think I could find it on stinking, worthless Google? No! Well, screw them!!!] (HerzogVon@aol.com) So much for Google's motto: "We're Omniscient!" 'Play Hob' or 'Hobson's Choice', both referring to the devil or irritating behavior (like NYCM). You was right!
The dolphins start shooting each other when they discover the toxin produces one hell of a buzz. (email@example.com) I hope THEY brought enough to share! Geez!
One dolphin was found in Vegas. He claims not to have been lost, but left the service to "spend more time with his family" and is now a weapons contract Consultant for Halliburton. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
OK, great, now I have the theme song to "Flipper" stuck in my head. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) The "NYCM Curse" strikes again!
You can bet your ass I will be checking the bath water tonight. (email@example.com)
Honorable Mention (Which comes with one smelt) - "Whipped" AND wanting to be whipped:
This is what happens when the third most intelligent species gets the second most intelligent species to do it's dirty work, all we can do now, is wait and pray for the first most intelligent species to come up with the answer...Yes Women! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Runner-Up (You get TWO smelt) - Sonar-Sound advice. A bit LATE:
At what point did someone decide it was a good idea to give a weapon to a species that we've been netting, putting in cages, and forcing to perform for fat white people for the last 200 years? (email@example.com)
And The Co-Winners (The smelt? You get the triple) - Are they in-seine??:
If you're a tuna fisherman, now would be the time to take "dolphin free" seriously. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)