(updated 12 Jul 05)

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Pussy Charges Bushman; Gets Fisted
(Header given by bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

NAIROBI, Kenya (Reuters) -- Peasant farmer Daniel M'Mburugu, a 73-year-old grandfather, was tending to his crops in a rural area when a leopard charged out of the long grass and leapt on him. M'Mburugu had a machete in one hand, but dropped that to thrust his fist down the leopard's mouth. He gradually managed to tear out the animal's tongue, leaving it in its death-throes.
(Topic suggested by dangerous predator glacier68@comcast.net)

This is why we kids always behaved when Grand-dad watched us. (rampage1984@msn.com; jbray4@adelphia.net)

Deep Throat finally revealed! (tphyll@aol.com; paracletus3@aol.com, several other sources Judith Miller won't identify)

"He gradually managed to tear out the animal's tongue, leaving it in its death-throes", and lisping badly. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Can we arrange to have this man interview Tom Cruise? (NonComposMentiss@aol.com; Marieracewalks@hotmail.com) Yet another stupid pussy....

Obviously, he knew it was a rare "Sword Swallowing Leopard". (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Well, here comes every "Cat got your tongue" joke known to mankind. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com; maxcel200@aol.com, and thousands of others not sending this idea in the first 5 minutes)

Kenya see where all the 'pussy-whipped' jokes are gonna fall? (paracletus3@earthlink.net; topsquark@yahoo.com) Yep. And here they are:

Hey, my wife has always said that a pussy ain't gonna lick itself. (muck55@aol.com; bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com & others who couldn't hold their "liquor")

Proving once and for all that Roy Horn is a pussy! (guitartexn@aol.com; jbray4@adelphia.net)

(sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies") Tell you a story 'bout a man named Dan Peasant farmer barely work'd his family land Then one day he was pokin' at some scat And out from the trees comes a really big cat Leopard, that is Pussy, Kenyan Crude Well, the next thing ya know Dan's fist is down there, Kin folk said, "Dan, Get it out of there!" So the next thing you know, he gave a little tug And up from the gullet comes a big ole tongue! (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Braised leopard tongue is a highly-regarded delicacy, especially in former British colonies where residents enjoy braised leopard tongue with a spot of tea. The carnivore actually improves the taste of the tea -- so I guess a leopard CAN change its spots! (AuntShecky711@aol.com) Man, those last two worked hard, didn't they?

He has now been hired by all the husbands in the area to do the same with their wives. (ParisluvsMe@aol.com; e-marlon@sio.midco.net, many other wife/mother-in-law abusers)

His wife explained that he does a similar move during sex, thus the reason that they have no kids. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

It was found out later that Dr. M'Mburugu was the leading gynecologist for Hell's Angels. (humorbear@aol.com) Thus, the reason Hell's Angels have no kids. Well, that, and the fact that they eat them.

PETA wants the man charged with cruelty to leopards in the first degree: Machete a fore-throat. (HerzogVon@aol.com; scice@aol.com, a few other "animal lovers", if you get my drift)

It's common to see a leopard without a tongue...but a def leopard is something else. (maxcel200@aol.com; NonComposMentiss@aol.com) But it has a dis-arming personality that can't be beat!

Bush congratulated the man with a beautiful speech that began like this: "I personally would like to congergulate Mumbacka on his astounding... thing that he did." (timamod@aol.com)

When asked to produce the animal Mr. M'Mburugu said, "Um...well...some buzzards flew off with it. Yeah, that was it." (tpanner@inorbit.com)

Mrs. M'Mburugu was so turned on by the incident, she promised Daniel some tongue like he hasn't had in years. (tpanner@inorbit.com; robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

The (unpronouceablename) guy, had baked tongue for dinner after he had thirty stitches in his arm so he could still hold on to a fork. Daddy gave him a slap on the head. Saying, "That was a dumb thing to do. That was my pet leopard." (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM) His DADDY? Damn, how old is HE? 89?

"This achievement was somewhat negated by the fact that the leopard succeeded in biting M'Mburugu's arm off and that M'Mburugu himself later died of a heart attack brought on by the excitement." (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

Reuters correction: That should read "leper". (paracletus3@earthlink.net) Oh, sure! It's EASY to pull parts off a leper!

...and THAT, your honor, is why I missed my court date for drug possession. (razcactus@netzero.com)

Shortly thereafter M'Mburugu was contacted by the Guiness Book of World Records for "world's largest pair of balls." (seoptimize@comcast.net) But not for long:

M'Mburugu held the animals tongue up in victory, but then fainted when he looked down and saw his legs and genitals had been shredded to pieces by the animals claws. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

OK, OK.... I'll allow ONE "race-related" entry:

I often wondered why Kenyans lead most marathons. The slower ones don't make it past Grandpa! (marieracewalks@hotmail.com)

In his new role as villiage medicine man, Daniel has already removed 6 villiager's tonsils, 17 abscessed teeth, and performed one ill-advised abortion. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

I've tried the same thing on my wife but the damn thing keeps growing back. (bjjtoff@tds.net) The tongue, or your wife?

Sadly, a baboon walked by, picked up Mr. M'Mburugu's discarded machete and hacked him to pieces. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

M'Mburugu, when questioned how this was possible, would only state that the Angry Leopard style will always be inferior to the true Sun Source of Martial-Arts, Drunken Hyena Kung-Fu. (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

"Peasant farmer Daniel M'Mburugu, a 73-year-old grandfather, was tending to his crops in a rural area..." He was particularly distraught, as the leopard threatened to devour a bumper harvest of peasants. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Later, when the other villagers gathered around to witness what he told them, they realized he actually pulled out its large bowel...but no one was going to correct a guy who just had his hand up a leopard's ass. (ParisluvsMe@aol.com) No one would even shake his hand, poor guy.

Great idea..tore out his tongue..then, of course, the leopard couldn't lick him. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Co-Honorable Mentions - For excellence in Lack of Respect:

He saved the Tongue as a trophy the rest of the carcass was picked clean by some Hyenas, Vultures and a vacationing Sally Struthers. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

The animal was filmed so that the tape could be sent to Vice President Cheney to show him what a "death throe" looked like. (stan@squidworks.com; NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

Runner-Up - He yanked himself for even MORE publicity:

Just before Daniel's picture was taken, he shoved the leopard's tongue in its ass for a little tongue-in-cheek. (lacee7700@aol.com)

The Winner - The REAL "measure of a man":

"When I was 20," Mr. M'Mburugu explained, "I'd have pulled his dick off." (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)