(updated 14 Apr 05)

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Spay Misty for Me
(Header suggested by noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

San Diego (Union-Tribune) -- The hunt is on for a turd burglar. A woman told police that she was out walking her dog, Misty, when a man with a gun ran up behind her and grabbed the bag she was holding. He discovered that it was full of dog feces, threw it down in disgust, pointed his gun at the woman and demanded money, but she had none. He then aimed his pistol at Misty and pulled the trigger twice, but the gun didn't fire and he fled. Police failed to find the baggie.
(Topic suggested by ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Somebody had to say it:

I'd say the thief had sh*t for brains. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'brown bagging it'. (maxcel200@aol.com)

At least the fecal matter didn't hit the rotary blades. (tphyll@aol.com)

The burglar probably took the doo baggie...If he's like most guys, after two shots, anything looks good! (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Only TWO? Lightweight!

As a Californian, I fail to see what the problem is. If it was something about FREEWAYS. NOW, THAT gets our ATTENTION. Get a life! (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

The woman said she was spared because she told her dog to 'pray Misty for me'. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Evidently a turd in the hand is worth nothing. (bjjtoff@tds.net) That ain't what it says on eBay.

And to top it all off, the cheeky robber had the temerity to later sue the woman for "defecation of character"...! The NOIVE of some people! (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

Caught later, he said that if it'd been the WOMAN'S feces, he might have kept it. (wedrixe@netscape.net) ?? No, please don't explain....

In an undercover sting operation, attempting to lure the thief out of hiding, detectives, posing as houseflies, put the word out on the street that they might be interested in buying some "shit." (Truckerex@insightbb.com; Cantw82paint@aol.com)

Investigators later learned that the man was not really a burglar but an investigative reporter for the National Enquirer. The so-called burglary is standard operating procedure for gathering material. (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

Hey! There's a man with a gun over there... (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Yeah, tellling me I got to beware.... hey, STOP!

"Shit !" exclaimed the robber when the gun didn't fire. "You've got it, it's in the bag" said the woman. (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

Clint Eastwood has declined to a sequel of the incident, stating that guns that don't fire are not at all acceptable in Play Misty For Me II. (RWich928@aol.com)

Misty, a former K-9, apparently disabled the gun. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Odd. I didn't know they TOOK Chihuahuas as attack dogs.

The man was later found with the help of a stool pigeon. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

Adding insult to injury, the frightening incident caused the dog to make more feces and her owner *really* couldn't find that baggie... (comedian2000@hotmail.com; NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

...later the man testified that the only reason he pulled the gun was because she was giving him crap. (jsalava@charter.net; mcsestretch@hotmail.com)

"Police failed to find the baggie." Do the cops ever find what they don't plant? (HerzogVon@aol.com) You tell me. You're the one with the mile-long rap sheet.

That makes the burglar a shithead left holding the bag, the woman scared shitless, and now...Misty doesn't give a shit. (lacee7700@aol.com)

(Singing) "I get Misty, and crap on my glove" (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Oh, no! You're not going to do a number while I'M in here!

Where's the NRA? Low gun manufacturing standards leave too many dogs crapping on our great country! (wedrixe@netscape.net)

Co-Honorable Mentions - To our entrant AND the person who made the discovery (ICK!):

Ironically, the bag showed up at the airport up the ass of a drug smuggler who grabbed it by mistake, thinking it was the bag of drugs disguised as poo that he was supposed to pick up and take to South America. (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com)

I almost skipped this one, but:

The day this story broke, there was a new jump-rope ditty making the rounds... "Shit! Shoot! Splat! There goes a dummy runnin' faster than a cat! Shit! Splat! Shoot! Looks like the dummy jus' lost himself a boot!" (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

Runner-up - Honoring a man who "got a lot of people off":

Damn, too bad Johnny Cochran just died - I would have loved to see that "If you can't find the shit...you must acquit" defense. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com; guitartexn@aol.com)

The Winner - Having stomped the competition out:

In an unrelated story, the fire department had to respond to a fire on a nearby doorstep. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)