(updated 15 Sep 05)

Hosted by Bucko

One Chick, No Dressing, Hold the "Mao"!
(Header wheeled in by Airfarcewon@aol.com; maxcel200@aol.com and a Long March of others)

Nanjing, China (Nanjing Morning Post) -- In a bid to spruce up their image, authorities are partly blaming the city's taxi drivers. Strict new rules include: "Male taxi drivers cannot have long hair or strange hairstyles, cannot be bald and cannot grow moustaches or goatees," the report said. "Women drivers must not use too much make-up and should wear appropriate clothes." However, the 'Mao suit' is no longer required; it has been declared "a relic of the past."
(Topic rickshawed in by KMurphyShelton@yahoo.com)

As some sort of protest, now the women taxi drivers are shaving their heads and growing goatees, while the male drivers are wearing too much makeup. When asked about the Mao suit, the common reply was "hold the Mao". (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com; ntsn@statefarm.com and most of the rest of you! You guys having gender identity problems?)

I'd make a joke, but there's a billion Chinese. When they take over someday, I don't need them looking up this s*&% and stringing me to a rack for it. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Think they'll be coming after the fool who posted the topic & all the entries first. ;) Though I WILL tell them it was all your idea.

It is, however, allowable to have multiple Yakuza tattoos, and a fish-smelling incense crown on your dash. (nstn@statefarm.com)

Yeah, I hate it when my taxi driver wears crotchless underwear. Of course, that's just one of the perils of living in San Francisco. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Someone wanna tell him that Nanjing is in China, not ChinaTOWN? 'Cause I won't!

Several cabbies have quit the business saying they "just couldn't hack it anymore." (NonComposMentiss@aol.com; dennislvr@aol.com)

And this warning--"Stop saying all you Americans wrook arike." (NITRAMXXX@aol.com) You know.... we kinda do, since they're looking at us through their asses!

The Mao suit became very popular with Chinese taxi drivers due to the popularity of the movie "Officer and a Gentleman". It was commonplace to see taxi drivers in full Air Force uniform driving folks around town shouting "I got nowha else to go" out their windows during traffic jams. (holtbolt@comcast.net)

Now just hold on a second, did you say "Mao" suit? You mean I've been driving my taxi all around the streets of Nanjing for the last 3 years while wearing a mouse suit... for nothing? (murdoctor@aol.com) Oh, hell, no. The Nanjing Tourist Board LOVES you!

If any of these dress code violations are found, the first time you will get a warning consisting of 2 years in a cess-pit. If there is a further violation, you will be shot. (nstn@statefarm.com) Low recidivism, though.

Well, this explains the pissed off look G.Gordon Liddy had on his face when I saw him getting off that plane from China. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

A more modern look will be required and standard-issue lime green leisure suits will be given out to cabbies to update their image. (manpretty@gmail.com) AAAAAAAAGH!!! Man, I'm NEVER going there NOW!

"Fu Manchu TaxiCorp has vowed to protest heavily with various insidious plots and much moustache-twirling aplomb." (thedraugr@yahoo.com; oldcurmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

"I no longer like the Chinese", stated Eric Idle, of 'Monty Python' fame. "This move has shown me that they are no longer willing to be cute, cuddly, and ready to please." (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

It's kinda sad to see them blaming LABOR for their poor image, when your city ALLOWS 3-wheeled vehicles called RICKSHAWS to be the primary taxi service! (paracletus3@earthlink.net; jnmcda0@yahoo.com) What?! That's environmentally sensible! Well, except all the taxidriver dung in the street....

Oh, I get it- the make-up thing is because the hookers union complained. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Do you think this image-enhancing Nanjing genius can enhance their public rest rooms while he's at it? (dennisilvr@aol.com) You asked, you got it: George Michael is their new restroom "attendant".

Cab drivers will also be taught to engage in more polite conversation and will be well versed in such topics as local current events, possible new Olympic events, and STD prevention. (manpretty@gmail.com)

Sounds like a bunch of hung chow to me. (lacee7700@aol.com) Sex, sex, sex! Is that all you EVER think about? Hope so! ;)

Meanwhile the govt. has agreed to look the other way as cab drivers continue to sell their extra children to wealthy Americans. (jbray4@adelphia.net)

American expatriot, Tlavis Bicker, has filed a formal complaint charging discrimination. (HerzogVon@aol.com) Didn't catch that one? imdb #tt0075314. Cinematic Philistine!

Following suit, NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg has required cab drivers to bathe at least once a month, stop using their cabs as temporary housing for their goats and chickens, "learn some damned English," and for those from Eastern Europe, "put a few fucking vowels in their names." (NonComposMentiss@aol.com; tpanner@inorbit.com, & others of the unwashed hordes)

A Special Honorable Mention - for Meritorious Entryism of Cultural Excellence, including:

"Drivers will kindly refrain from carrying passengers in gangs of four!" (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

Most Honorable Mention - It's bad fortune to argue with astrologers!:

All the males born in the Year of the Cock immediately filed for exemption, claiming they already knew how to comb their long hair! (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

Street-Runner-Up - From the taxi line in front of the Cultural Revolutionary Baths:

"Oh, what delicious irony! Don't you agree, Nigel? You look fabulous today, by the way." (tpanner@inorbit.com)

The Flat-Footed Out-&-Out Winner - And our very first entry with subtitles!:

Xiang dow ya, ping ya do?("Your kung fu is good, what style is it?")Ching hi ta dang.("It is called Angry Cab Driver.") Hoo da ying chow da nan yan!!("It is too bad your long hair and funny goatee dishonor your ancestors!!")Chu hi dang, yo ha ta ning!!!("How dare you insult me, prepare to die!!!") Hiya, hoo, hiya, ya, hi, hoo, hiya!!!("Ooo, ow, ouch, oh my groin!!!") (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)