(updated 16 Jan 05)
Hosted by Bucko
Well, Slyph is going to take over at the "Rotating Contest" slot...the one that Dot.Comedy is in right now...and Bucko is going to keep his job here at NYCM...just because we like to torment you. See? Again...we aim to please here at HMO. It's true...we just didn't say WHO we aim to please. ;)
Czech's Chainsaw Mess Occurred - Too Stupid For Even a Darwin Award.
(Title from Airfarcewon@aol.com; Follow-up from email@example.com)
PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC (CTK) -- A 32 year old man tried to commit suicide by cutting his throat with a chainsaw, but survived after the machine missed his jugular vein and got stuck in his spine. It was his second suicide attempt; earlier, he'd tried to hang himself from a tree, but the branch snapped and he broke both legs in the fall.
This Round's Ritual Abuse - normally this is aimed at me, but:
Miss Cadeaux stole my answer in the Forum! >:( (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Ya know, she has a point there, Cad.... Yes...the point being that someone actually READS what I write on the forum...I am amazed.
The Mr. "Czech-off" Section:
It was the first ever recorded incident of the same Czech bouncing twice! (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com & MANY others)
One thing you can never bank on...a cancelled Czech! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
(Sorry, a LOT of entries playing on the "Czech" word, mostly a bit too obvious)
"Helping Hints" from you Hellions:
If at first you don't succeed, die, die again. (SSCompose@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com & others)
The Socialist Party pointed out that this is what happens in a capitalist state. In a socialist state, his friends would have helped. (email@example.com)
Upon hearing this, a national pharmaceutical company offered him an overdose free of charge. (firstname.lastname@example.org) They had to so SOMETHING with all the recalled Vioxx.
A Stihl chainsaw would have done the job. He just didn't have the horsepower. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
The US gun lobby is considering offering his wife $500,000 and him a free Uzi for his 3rd attempt if they can use a picture of him in hospital with the headline "A gun could have prevented this!" (email@example.com) The NRA: Compassionate Gun-servatives.
I'd say he should have just blown his brains out, but it doesn't seem as though he had any in the first place. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Snappy & Cutting Comebacks:
Don't they have a "For Dummies" book for that? (email@example.com)
You think God is trying to tell him something? (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yeah: "Keep the hell away from me!"
That dude has one tough guardian angel! (email@example.com)
Who said suicide is painless? (firstname.lastname@example.org) He was downright M*A*S*Hugga.
What he lacks in brains, he makes up for in persistence. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Boy, just when you think your life is so bad you have to kill yourself, you find out you suck at THAT, too! (email@example.com) Next stop: Politics.
He must be Black and Deckeratively blue all over! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
He clearly sounds like the last incompetent spouse I had. (WJKbase@aol.com) Why? Was he hung badly & mishandled power "implements?"
If I was that stupid and couldn't even kill myself, well, I'd just wanna die! (BRE727@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
His suicide notes both indicated that he was tired of always feeling like a failure. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
This kinda thing is usually prefaced by the host of "Match Game" reading a card that says, "Dumb Donald was soooo dumb...". (email@example.com) THAT'S IT! He should have Ray-burned himself to death!
The Third Man-slaughter:
He tried a third time by having a three minute conversation with Britney Spears. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Shoulda just married her like everyone else.
The man's third suicide attempt by watching 86 hours of infomercials was, in his own words, only "moderately successful." Compelled to stop, he gnawed off one arm. "Slowly, but surely, I'm getting there." (email@example.com)
Later he tried to commit suicide by cop, but sharp eyed police officers could see he was just holding a brightly colored squirt gun, so they shot him in the knee caps. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
His luck changed after surgery when a massive post-op staphylococcus infection invaded his weakened system and he died peacefully free of the stigma of suicide. (Which tragically would have prevented his wife collecting on the insurance.) (email@example.com) Funny.... his wife was half the reason he was trying.
After months of mental and physical therapy, the man left the hospital cured of his depression and looking forward to living a long happy life. He slipped off the curb leaving the hospital and was struck and killed by a car. (AnthrStupdSN@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
After several hours of interigation with the police, it became clear that the man was not trying to commit suicide, but rather believed the government was out to get him and implant computer chips deep within his trees and spine. (email@example.com) "Mulder, where are you?"
Honorable Mention for shoving in an asinine idea:
Rumor has it that his next attempt involves overdosing on suppositories. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Runner-up, proving that irony beats morony:
Doctors belive the man will make a full recovery. When he is released from the hospital he will face charges of attempt suicide. If convicted he will be put to death. (AnthrStupdSN@aol.com)
And the Winner.... shades of "Rear Window." If only the shades had been CLOSED:
He accidentally succeeded after he looked out his window and was forced to watch his elderly neighbors having sex. Because of the chainsaw in his neck and two broken legs, he was unable to turn or move away from the window and bled to death. From his eyes. (email@example.com)