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A man has made the case of runaway Georgia bride Jennifer Wilbanks the toast of eBay. Perry Lonzello, 48, says he carved a rudimentary drawing of Wilbanks on a piece of toasted Wonder Bread and posted it on eBay on a whim. As of about 5 p.m. Friday, Lonzello's eBay posting had 134,300 visits and 111 bids made on the toast, with a top bid of $15,400.
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...in related news, the world has gone crazy. (email@example.com; WJKBase@aol.com) Uh, that's related to ALL news....
Which goes to show that the "still wants to marry her" fiance isn't the only absolute moron in this world. (firstname.lastname@example.org; Eleman8859@aol.com)
Oh, puhleeze! A 'jilted bride' on 'wilted HomePride'? And he's making dough on it? What a heel! (email@example.com) The "Overworked Half-Baked Entry of the Round"
Lonzello can forget it. If Jennifer wouldn't put out with a 100-grand wedding, she sure won't for $15,400. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Damn...and I just et a bowl a grits that was the spittin' image of Dale Earnhart! (email@example.com) I'd have spit it out, too. GRITS? Yuck!
Lonzello's next E-Bay offering will be a likeness of Jennifer's prospective husband on a king size lollipop. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
As a bonus, the winning bidder will also receive a bust of Lonzello's Ex wife carved out of spam (email@example.com)
I think it is great that missing people aren't just showing up on milk cartons any more. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Now that you mention it.... I haven't seen a milk carton in years.
President Bush said the $15,400 is a small price to pay for him to have an important piece of history...and then he ate it. (email@example.com)
He was offered $100,000 by her fiance's parents to actually toast Jennifer. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Word is the toast was kept in pristine condition with spermicidal jelly. (email@example.com) Come, now!
Damn, and I just threw away my Pizza Hut bread stick that reminded me of John Holmes, too. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com)
Yeah, it's a fantastic price. But I refuse to pay $9.99 for shipping for an item that'll cost a buck to send. It's the principle. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)
A toasty Jesus and a marmalade Mary should be popping up any minute... (HerzogVon@aol.com; MIndgameFiziks@hotmail.com, others) Where have you guys BEEN? Shoot, I have a scroll from 72 A.D. offering the same deal. I'm selling it on eBay.
Of course. With all the artificial stuff in Wonder Bread, it'll be in perfect shape for centuries. (firstname.lastname@example.org; NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM, & others cruelly poisoned by their mothers)
In response, Ms. Wilbanks had a piece of toast tattooed on her abdomen and listed herself for sale. As of 8 a.m. Monday, the high bid was $64 by a user named Jiltedfiancee05. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Oddly, the SAME price as a bus ticket to Bozeman, Montana.
I made a bid, but I wanted to be sure it was toasted on both sides. Other wise no deal. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)
Dirk, a male stripper from Vegas, was the winning bidder; the morning after receiving his toast he said "That was not the first time he has eaten Miss Wilbanks and really Hopes to see her again on her next trip to Fun City. Which is expected to be on her 1st Wedding Anniversary." (email@example.com)
Tick, tock... thankfully, there are only a few seconds left of that 15 minutes. (Kamasushi@gmail.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
The NYCM "Great Moments in the History of Funny" Award (also, for allowing Bucko to flash):
Father Guido Sarducci had this to say: "If I woulda known then how mucha this crap with-a people's faces on it woulda get onna ebay, I'da saved that pizza with all the Popes faces onna it. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com) This refers to an SNL "contest" that got out of hand, in which Bucko "won a prize." If you're interested: Bucko's "Prize"
Honorable Mention - for proving that FINALLY, someone is out to protect us from stupidity:
In a rare show of common sense, the government has used the Patriot Act as a premise to trace the 134,300 visitors and deport them. (email@example.com)
Runner-Up - amid clamors for the name of the asinine buyer:
So? I once got $52,000 for one of Mel Gibson's butt hairs (it was actually one of MY butt hairs, but hey, who said eBay is populated by geniuses?) (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Winner - and sympathies for a REAL artist aiming to please:
The guy who draws her portrait in the snow has, sadly, received no bids. (email@example.com)