(Header bound & whipped in by Airfarcewon@aol.com)
DALLAS, TX (The Observer) -- The Dallas Derby Devils Roller Skaters are "looking for a few bad women"--black fishnets & tongue studs optional. Part of the nation's newest roller-derby leagues, the sexed up, estrogen-fueled "Triple D's" reflect the new sports look: Sweat bands & tank tops? Replaced by spiked collars, handcuffs, clothes with skulls and sultry schoolgirl uniforms.
(Topic slutgested by NITRAMXXX@aol.com)
I don't know what the hell this 'sport' is, but I just bought season tickets. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Jeez, is this perfect for Marv Albert or what? (email@example.com)
I'm all for it. Now they'll know where to find my ex and get that back alimony he owes me. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
If you want to become a Dallas Derby Roller Skater, please send in your resume/centrefold to... (firstname.lastname@example.org) NYCM!! Pay no attention to the address in the parenthesis!
Also, elbow and helmet protection have been replaced by condoms. All sport Officials are too busy to comment. (email@example.com)
I looked this story up. Clever names the girls are using, but "Thunder Thighs" is the only one I can qualify for. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Don't fall for it, men! There's no safe reply!
Wait a second- if you're a triple D you can't skate. The weight would pull you right over. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
Warning: The next Sextion is dirty, sexist, politically incorrect and utterly uncalled for.
You'll probably love it! ;)
Sure, it sounds great, but I hear most of the applicants are gay anyway. (email@example.com) Translation: Every one of them turned him down.
Oh yeah..the Dallas Derby Devils. They're in the same league as the Houston Ho's, the San Antonio Slutbags and the Lubbock Lesbos. (firstname.lastname@example.org) And the Luckenbock Li-- No, I'm in enough trouble for letting "Lesbos" go....
Why do guys find this interesting? It's not like there is usually blood. It has to be the potential that, suddenly, entire teams could decide to start kissing each other and then rip each others clothes off in a frenzy! Nah. Couldn't be. (email@example.com)
OK, THAT'S IT!! No more ragging on gay women! Next time we'll whack gay men, it's only fair....
I don't even want to know what that sticky shit is smeared all over the arena seats. (OK, that's just gross, so I was sure you'd looove it, but I know you can't pick it.) (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Tsk, tsk! How long have you known me?
You can't beat large breasted women on roller skates, or as I call them, "meals on wheels." (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)
The growing interest in women's roller derby has encouraged the producers of 'American Gladiators' to give the show a new try with a tougher and sexier edge. The new gladiators will dress in tight leather outfits, carry real swords, and will guarantee the death of at least one contestant per show. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Yeah, well, I'm still waiting for professional female baseball to come back...y'know, TITS WITH MITTS! (email@example.com) ANOTHER trouble-maker! Cad hates that word! It'll never get posted.
You don't want to know where they hide the baton exchange. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I'm looking forward to seeing the "penalty box." (NonComposMentiss@aol.com) Not so fast! "Box seats" cost MUCH more!
Announcer: "Yes, once again the arena is absolutely packed to the brim of gentlemen strangely all wearing long rain coats. Why do you think that is Jim-Bob?" (email@example.com)
Yes you can watch The Dallas Derby Devils Roller Skaters tonight at 7 right here on pay per view Humor Me Online. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Cad! He's onto something here!
Honorable Mention - For the best "legitimate" excuse:
"If it's ok with Sumo, then it's ok with roller skating" is the generalized argument. (email@example.com)
Co-Runners-Up - Yep, we got yer "Play by Playmate" announcer & the "Off-Color Commentator":
"Looks like our Dallas Devil Dolls are in for a tough evening against these rugged Hollywood Stunning Starlets, Moose." "Dat's right, Mongoose." "Oh, oh! Here come Angelina Jolie and Gina Gershon, and they're headed straight for our Debbie Duz! OH!!! At the last second, Debbie ducked, and the dastardly duo collided, lips to lips. There's collagen all over the track! This is the most disgusting thing I've seen in all my years, Moose." "Looks like Starlets' coach Julia Roberts is coming out to pout a protest, Mongoose." (HerzogVon@aol.com)
The Triple D's opponents in the new league will include; Pat Robertson's Christian Right fanatics, the Holy Rollers; a team of vicious, unruly toddlers, led by TV's Super Nanny, the Stroller Rollers; Karl Rove, Mike Browne and other Bush cronies head up the Ass-Holer Rollers; and adding international flavor to the league, France's team of expatriate writers, Zola's Rollers, headed by the always inflammatory Jacques Hughes. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)
The Winner - Poor guy, at least he's honest in his wheeling's dealings feelings:
"Looking for a few bad women", I just want to find one. (firstname.lastname@example.org)