Escape from New Jersey!
(Header & another needless movie sequel proposed by firstname.lastname@example.org)
NEWARK, NJ (AP) -- Two dozen live turkeys bound for Thanksgiving tables "fell" off a truck on the New Jersey Turnpike, snarling traffic. "I think we should be investigating this as an escape attempt," said Joseph Orlando, spokesman for the New Jersey Turnpike Authority. Also in recent years: a semi carrying 40,000 pounds of frozen chickens struck a truck carrying sheep; there have also have been incidents involving escaped live crabs and horses.
(Topic plucked by Cad's relatives; some were injured in the fall off the truck) Bucko gets this way each holiday season...he indulges in his homemade tryptophan eggnog...what can I say? Laugh all you want.... beats Ambien, hands down!
This is my 50th round as host of NYCM. Warm thanks to Cad for the opportunity, and my appreciation and sincere gratitude to you players, who have made it so much fun, and challenging as well!
I remember the seafood incident. I got a case of crabs, cheap. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com; email@example.com & other A-200 Pyrates)
Geez! There's a big wanted poster of an escaped turkey at my local post office...oh wait..that's George Bush! (firstname.lastname@example.org) We KNOW where THAT one is!
My Uncle Mushy Boots "fell off" on the New Jersey Turnpike. Sometimes, those twelve step programs don't travel all that well. [A black sheep relative from the Old Man's side of the family with whom I am acquainted only through legend.] (HerzogVon@aol.com; email@example.com & other 12 step line dancers)
Sounds like a beastiality issue.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org) We're not here to discuss your personal problems.
The New Jersey Turnpike Authority has announced that until the turkies pay $.75, they will not be allowed to get off of the turnpike. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Turnpike is straight as an arrow to North Jersey. The truck drivers got what we call Hypopiketized from watching the road whip by. They have to be taught to look away once in a while. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com) See, that's why I keep my eyes closed when I drive the Turnpike.
PETA was suspected of being involved in the turkey's escape, but it was quickly decided that it was just the result of another crappy driver from Connecticut. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
I don't know about the rest of them critters, but the live crabs were probably attached to politicians. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com; email@example.com) Frigging parasitic lobbyists.... damn the pubes! Yank 'em ALL out!
The owner of the BMW right behind the truck is suing the hauling company, due to the fact that when he called his insurance company, they laughed hysterically and hung up. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
One of the frozen chickens thawed out, knocked out the driver, saw the sheep, and made a last ditch effort to save them. Simple. (email@example.com)
Also in the news, schools of escaped salmon caused massive street gridlox. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Seriously.... I AM going to have to kill you some day.
Police have isued warrents for Al Capon, Sammy the Bull "Gravano", Eggs Diamond and Ducky Luciano. (email@example.com)
"Fell" my butt! Those turkeys didn't pay their "dues" as suggested by the Family. Just watch, next year bout this time, it'll be load of Korean grocers. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Should I be disturbed at all the mob refer-- I've just been informed that I should keep my trap shut if I know what's good for me.
The troublesome turkeys were eventually rounded up and the driver immediately demanded that Gobbles, the ringleader come forward. "It was quite a touching scene" said long haul trucker Cleetus Gump. "One turkey stood up and said 'I am Gobbles', then another stood up and said 'I am Gobbles', then a third and a fourth. Soon they all were standing, claiming to be Gobbles. I must say, I had a tear in my eye. And then I shot them all." (email@example.com)
Remember the time the 30-gallon drums of buffalo semen got spilt? They were busy for quite awhile after that charging a buffalo head per car extra to make up the difference! (firstname.lastname@example.org) No, no.... "buffalo head", that's how they got the drums filled in the first place!
THEN, of course, a herd of female buffaloes demanded to be headed south as well.
It was later learned that the two dozen live turkeys were actually a group of Congressmen seeking cheap transportation out of Washington for the holiday weekend. Additionally, the escapees included a few Canadian members of Parliament who were headed back up north to retrieve the incriminating evidence before the turkey poop hit the fan -- alas, too late! (AuntShecky711@aol.com)
In a non-related story, the DNC registered Two dozen more absentee ballot voters today all having come from the country of Turkey. (email@example.com) Well, that figures. They made Howard Dean Party Chairman, after all. Now, THERE'S a turkey!
The driver eventually confessed to throwing the turkeys off the truck. "Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet?- they're lucky I didn't kill them on the spot." (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)
By rule, would that render the chickens no longer kosher or does it make the sheep kosher? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) My rabbinical sources inform me that since New Jersey itself is non-kosher, your question is moot.
Turkeys in New Jersey? Well, that makes them the smartest living things in the area. No wonder they escaped. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Honorable Mention - Those NJ crustacean-hating BASTARDS!:
In order to deter further escape attempts, 50 crabs were chosen at random and shot. (email@example.com) Mind you, it didn't ruffle a feather with the turkeys. Idiots.
Runner-up - Obviously the voice of a REAL NJ Turnpike driver:
I drive a Hummer. I'm going to run the hell over whatever it is. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Winner - Thanksgivingfully, we found the guy to cook them turkeys' goose:
The driver's boss, Eddie "the Nose" Nozzerelli, claimed "everywunna dem boids 'll be whacked in time for Christmas." He added "Whadda YOU lookin at?" (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)