(updated 20 Jul 03)

Hosted by Jankath

(Title stolen from mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com and purt near everybody else)

CALIFORNIA -- Mariann Simms, AKA Cadeaux and owner of the HumorMeOnline.com humor contests webpage, has been chosen from thousands of international entrants as the 2003 winner of the prestigious Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest by the English department of San Jose State University.

...'Cept she made me take the words "hugely popular" out of my original headline for fear visitors to the site might not know how facetiously sardonic I was being.....

Heard her on CNN, then on some online show, I am thinking....Media Floozy! (Notice she didn't mention you by name? She CRAVES the glory.) (chough3499@aol.com)

Ain't it the damn truth!!! On CNN, she called me "another person."........Course, I forgave her on David Lawrence's show the second she said "another person works on the site who is extremely brilliant." Still, everybody COULD think she was talking about Leis!!! (...uh...ur...was she????)

But then again, winning world-wide acclaim doesn't happen every day.... I am SO enjoying this ride, experiencing the new international HMO status vicariously through Cadeaux....staying up late and streaming radio interviews (Lawrence claims to have 40 million listeners), and IM-ing witty comebacks for Cad to pop Lawrence with, which she promptly ignored. (I choose to think the fact that my computer was about 47 seconds behind the live show was her reason.)

I chose this topic to give you loyal HMO regulars (and even those of you who stuck with Cad and me through the HO days) a chance to roast Mariann for this dubious dishonor. (For you visitors and newbies, HO does NOT have anything to do with streetwalking.)

I warned Cad that I'm making a lot of comments this time - to which she warned me NOT to say certain things, since I tend to brag on her a bit more than she feels comfortable with....but by now she should know to NOT tell me to not do something......so my entry for today's roast is:

Yeah, well...she does walk on water, ya know...especially right after she peed her pants when she read that she'd won and it ran around her shoes. (jankath@newsyoucanmuse.com - My apologies to Mr. Rice, who tries to run a classy dishonorable contest)

Your savory roasts were rare and well done, so I decided just this one time, I'll include a much larger smorgasbord of entries. Enjoy.....

San Jose is a state? (gonnabmeeee@aol.com)

Now that's REALLY funny. (slaurel@winternet.com, tphyll@aol.com)

Insider trading... (gonzalovidal77@yahoo.com)

... and whose kneecaps did she have to bust to win that one ? (slaurel@winternet.com)

And they did it with a straight face. (mariohumbert@yahoo.com)

Must have been a slow news day. :-P Congratulations, though! (jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

...(Pssst...just a word of caution - do NOT breathe a word about Jimmy Hoffa in Cad's presence....)

How prestigious was it again? (handarazuur@hotmail.com)

Ms. Simms’ wit and comedic style have often been compared to the legendary Jerry Lewis - as only the French think she’s funny. (vogeler@juno.com)

Mr. Bulwer and Mr. Lytton described the winner as being "Very satisfying and pleasurable. The best we've had. And her writing was okay, too." (cdmauger@aol.com)

Ok, that does it for CNN...I'm switching back to Martha Stewart. (princekenny2002@yahoo.ca)

Luckily, she submitted her grocery list. Have you seen what that woman eats? (fazed012000@yahoo.com)

...FORGET "EATS." Have you seen what that woman DRINKS?????

So, it was a random selection, then? (changetion@yahoo.com)

Good stuff! Congrats!..Did you work on it, all day..all night, Mariann? (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)

Cad, are you accepting in person? Do you know the way to San Jose? (seeker@vcoms.net, tackajoey@aol.com)

Simms explained, "I didn't realize it was a bad writing contest, but look what I'm exposed to all day." (chharget@aol.com)

"It was easy," she was quoted as saying. "I get so many very bad HMO entries, it was just a matter of picking the worst of them." (Yankee1nfidel@aol.com)

In a note, she is now being sued by THOUSANDS of HMO submitioners for using our s***... Hahaha. (gregparsons68@yahoo.com)

Coincidentally, that same week the judge of the Bulwer-Lytton Contest won the Top Ten Contest on HMO even though my entry was way funnier. (SpinyNorma@aol.com)

Now she will begin her new job as Speech Writer for the President of the United States. (jeanneannette2003@yahoo.com)

It's official, she's really famous... not just a legend in her own mind anymore! (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Her writing was so bad that she had to pay the judges the $250 prize money just to get them to read it. (EyeFightSpam@spamex.com)

Remind me never to go to school at San Jose State...their standards are obviously WAY too low! (craigieb@aol.com)

...Proving once again that Californians will go for anything that nobody else would touch!! (skibip@aol.com)

What happens when the SMOG lifts? UCLA (joel.howard@york.com)

"Ms" Cadeaux was arrested after the ceremony along with her partner, Olivia Moosespeak, for deliberately misleading HMO players into believing they were of the male persuasion, and charged under the deceptive practices act.......It will be a dark and stormy night in hell before anyone believes either of them again! [ OK, here's the story: I couldn't care less about your gender. In fact, for a long time I assumed that you WERE a woman. ( Hey, one has to assume something! ) But then along comes Moosespeak with his birthday plan in which he keeps using words like "his" and "him." Naturally, I figure I was wrong. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

....I, jankath, AM a woman......Mariann's family swears she is too.....I know you guys couldn't imagine that two women could be this smart AND this funny........looking.....(course, Lawrence called HER a "hottie.")

Great fiction? Sounds like PURE FICTION to me! (rockitower@aol.com)

And who knows what "fiction" she conjured up to sparkle and smoke those judges! (Congratulations!) (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

No one has had the heart to tell her that she sent her English Literature thesis to the wrong address. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

It's time to give Ms. Simms a raise! (Wjkbase@aol.com)

...AND her cohorts.

Her imagery and "cheesy" entenders smoldered the Spartan judges as a blob of Play-doh dropped on the flaming family barbecue from a sneaking child's curious hand; the boy was supposed to be doing his reading assignment, but had instead smote his younger brother by relinquishing the sky-blue trinket from its plastic confine and weaseled his way outside, where someone as astute as Mariann may have caught the youth red-handed - especially red if the boy had indeed touched the grill, which he did not. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Among domestic entrants, Ms. Simms narrowly edged out the heavily favored NY Times Editorial Department and Bush's speech writers. Congrats! (BikeMike101@aol.com...and bazillions of others. )

They let a ringer in? Leis was robbed! They shoulda given him a sympathy prize this year! (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

...Hello??? This is MY contest and you didn't even mention ME?????? Just cause I haven't been in the hospital...sheesh...

Boy, I'll bet jankath is jealous! (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)

...THAT'S better.

When interviewed on CNN, Ms. Simms admitted that after the B-L win, everything else would be downhill. Surely she didn't mean HMO? (kayladykay@aol.com)

The prize is a new home in the Silicon Valley. Take your pick, they're all vacant. (ShaunaMV@aol.com)

Simms went on to explain how she expects to hear from the Pulitzer Prize commission any day now. (yankee1nfidel@aol.com)

Simms confided, "I believe my Alabama upbringing has me uniquely suited for this sort of contest." (chharget@aol.com)

...'cept, she wasn't raised there.....but you gotta admit, growing up in Jersey is better training for ANYTHING....

Simms went on to say, "I'm king of the world, Man! You like me, you really really like me! I'm just glad I beat out the editor of TheOnion.com! Hah!" (chharget@aol.com)

Simms was quoted as saying, "Oh boy, I can milk this for at least one more online contest topic!" (chharget@aol.com)

net-potism: n. When you shamelessly promote yourself on your own website. (this is supposed to be like a deFUNition; I really like this site and the news.yahoo article on your accomplishment is what brought me to view your site for the first time today!!!) (kaigunair@yahoo.com)

Ms. Simms, a.k.a. "The Bearded Dragon Lady," offered to share the traditional prize with her loyal HMO contributors, but they have all refused, claiming they "Don't want her givin' us nuthin' outta pittance." (TerriKlein@aol.com)

...Trust me - you don't WANT a share of "the traditional prize." That many pieces of a paper bag won't ripen even one pear.

Judges said they like her writing even if it was a little on the cheesy side. Congrats Mariann! (lordovr@bingothemonkey.com, and hvvhiii@aol.com, skibip@aol.com, gvdl@cox.net, kind of)

Now that she's won, visitors to the website have only one question: Now can we win a little more than ORIGAMI? (ashdeaditehunter@aol.com)

Ya gotta fight... For your right... To write.... POOORLY! (to the tune 'Fight for Your Right' by the Beastie Boys. Circa 1990.) (DoGreatWork@hotmail.com)

Conspiracy theorists confirmed their suspicions of how to win the prestigious contest. "Bulwer-Lytton" also spells "Wrote bluntly".... (rodentsRred@hotmail.com)

I did a Google on "Mariann Simms" and you're famous! Read your winning entry. Very funny indeed. Congrats again. (richard.sherman@cgi.com)

How do you write something to follow that? If it's true, you rock, cadeaux! I tip my hat to you. (rdraper999@aol.com)

Well, so much for my feeling all special for knowing her identity... thanks a lot, I needed a low blow to my self-esteem. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

...You know only what we let you THINK you know....

I think Bill Murray wants to party with you, Cadeaux. (edberger@aol.com)

I am damn proud of you. I know I am going against tough competition when I enter. AND I AM. Forget all that advice about writers UNLESS you become one. Then it all stands. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

When asked where she came up with the idea for the winning entry, Simms was hesitant in her reply, but assured everyone that the Professor, Ginger or Gilligan did NOT help her with the entry. (trekmeister@conwaycorp.net)

My God! Women can actually do something good besides getting a prize behind bars in Alabama! (referring to the prison there) :) (nostress4mike@yahoo.com)

...I don't know...I think it fits with either definition....

Aren't we all proud to have a part of Cad's success? Once again someone gets famous off of others' ideas...literally. (silver_stars42@yahoo.com)

...Nah, none of us get the blame for this one.

Ode to the Cheese: Cheese, Cheese humor me if you please. Provolone, Mozzarella, Processed, and Stringed. Twist, sliced, please come unwrapped, and by the way I didn't ask for Jack. Whether you are Gouda, or even maybe Blue. Cheese, Cheese to you I'll be true. (dixiedawn30@yahoo.com)

Unfortunately for Simms, she was stripped of her title after the judges learned that her entry was indeed fact and not fiction. (n_zukowski@hotmail.com)

The night was sultry. Mrs. Simms knew she had a tough trek ahead, facing her fate, challenging her rivals, plunging into the waters of mockery that had swept so many asunder before her. Would her stringed fromage be a fierce enough weapon against the sardonic tides? Alas, her time had come; she emerged triumphant! Her pen was mightier than the fjord. (alltoohumantoo@yahoo.com)

Her prestigious creative fiction award should help give her name some real weight with the recruiting department of the New York Times and the publishing house handling Bill Clinton's autobiography. (brentbdavis@hotmail.com)

Ms. Simms honed her wit and wacky sense of humor as head-writer for America's best-known gagmen, such as Ari "Funnybone" Fleischer, John "Laughing Your" Ashcroft, and Alan "Shecky" Greenspan (who popularized her classic slapstick routine: "Did you hear the one about the taciturn monetary stimulus we endowed, discernible not only in short-term interest rates, but also in a vast augmentation of liquidity over the concluding months of the year, as gauged by cyclical expansive monetary aggregates?") (vogeler@juno.com)

I'd push Cadeaux to adorn a T-shirt with the winning entries of today's trifecta, SSCompose@aol.com, guitartexn@aol.com and HerzogVon@aol.com, but when the last website we worked for did that, the site went belly-up within two months - and who needs that kind of jinx when you're on a roll:

How does that make her qualified to judge humor? No wonder I don't win more often. (SSCompose@aol.com)


Wow! This is almost as prestigious as the Darwin awards. (guitartexn@aol.com)


Several judges were observed fondly playing with their origami during lunch break. (HerzogVon@aol.com)