(updated 20 Jul 05)

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(Header snored in by mwatts@nhbakersfield.com)

YUCAIPA, CA -- The Parks, Recreation & Beautification Commitee's meeting today will include discussion of the types of fats and heart disease. LA Filmmaker Dianne Salinger recently claimed "I'll put Yucaipa on the map! Not that you're not there already!" She'd learned that Yucaipa was a hotbed of paranormal activities, & hoped to capitalize on its little-known ghost lore. For one whole afternoon, Yucaipa was an epicenter of world news, threatening to ruin the parochial, attractive small-town ambiance that brought me here. Luckily, I am up at 3,500 ft. on an acre of ground.
(And that's the news from Yucaipa, as told by homeboy NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM....where all the women smell strong, the men are good at cooking, and the children bowl above average)

This Round's Ritual Abuse:

Just for the record, I went through the NYCM archives and this is hands down the worst fucking news item ever used. (NonComposmentiss@aol.com) YOWZA! The record is MINE! Thanks, Nitra! However, prepare for some abuse.

The committee's chairman then addressed Ms. Salinger by saying, "What the hell are you babbling about? We're here to discuss types of fats and heart disease." (seoptimize@comcast.net)

I wonder if they will serve Doughnuts? (richdiandkids@optonline.net) News flash: their nuts aren't made of dough:

The people who live there can't reproduce -- the men have crystal balls. (tphyll@aol.com)

I've always wondered what a "hotbed of paranormal activity" was, but somehow I'd always envisioned a ghostly brothel. <-- SEE YOU CAN GET SEX INTO ANYTHING! (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) I never doubted you guys!

OK! OK! Some days I can't type straight!:

I believe the word is actually "luckily." (timamod@aol.com)

Until corrections, it seems they had already cast a bad spell on this town, Yucaipa, was Yucapai...and committee is still short a "T". (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

"The Parks, Recreation & Beautification Commitee's meeting today will include discussion of the types of FATS and HEART disease." A misplaced "R" led to an unexpectedly high turnout of flatulent sunstroke victims. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Oh, she's 3500 feet in the air alright, no land in sight. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com; FishJean@sonic.net)

Go get 'em Dianne...That's the spirit! (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Booooo!

I think I can pronounce Amityville, but you're going to drive everyone crazy if you call that movie "The Yucaipa Horror." (dart270@geocities.com)

Salinger was later arrested on charges of holdin' "caulfield", a variant of ecstasy...which explains everything. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com) You know.... J.D.... "Catcher in the Rye"? Geez, now I have to assign homework....

Ms. Salinger was then given her cup of pudding and sent back to her room at the Yucaipa Center for Senility. (seoptimize@comcast.net)

Taking a page from Bush's Patriot Act: Yucaipa's Beautification Bureau "Fat Patrol" does bi-weekly spot-checks at various houses, issuing tickets to those who haven't lost a pound of fat for the week. (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

It turns out that the fat from a guy with heart disease drapes really nicely on some of the park statues. I think they are going for a Savannah kinda look. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Interesting garden idea. Could be good, could be evil....

Ghosts? In a town not on the map? On second thought, "YOU capai", I'LL just caper around here if you don't mind. (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

Yep, all dem little critters a-risin' from dat pet cematary, raght when dem cameras a-started rollin'...boy howdy! Dat was a saght to see! (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

Parochial? Forget about me visiting. I look stupid in a plaid skirt & white blouse. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) Yeah, I've seen your website.

By the way; the town name is pronounced YouCowPie (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com) Bullshit!

"Luckly, I am up at 3500 ft. on an acre of ground." Ms. Salinger tends towards delusions that she is "The Old Man of Hoy". (HerzogVon@aol.com) Zog finally sent one I had to look up: Hoy

How can you possibly discuss beautification and fats without having thighs on the agenda? (wedrixe@netscape.net)

Yucaipa...hmmm...isn't that the place where the "little doggies" were always "gettin' along to?" (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Dianne later retracted her story, as she found out about an even stranger place with stranger people called "Wetumpka." (RWich928@aol.com) Joke's on you! Wetumpka IS famous - for a big hole.

Luckily for Salinger, the ghosts of the prairie dogs did indeed emerge from their burrows in time to get 'mapped' by the media...right before the little critters were all sent back to 'doggie-heaven' by the-out-of-control semi that careened off the freeway! (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

Yucaipa's already on the map...two miles east of East BFE. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) East BFE Pennsylvania? Texas? Be more specific, dammit!

When the media showed up they found that the ghosts had all departed years ago, claiming that "haunting Yucaipa was worse than being dead." (NonComposmentiss@aol.com)

3,500 foot elevation, huh? I'd recommend a 105mm howitzer, with the optional laser sighting that will help you blow that Salinger bitch right into the rye. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

When I got the news, I sent my resume to Dianne telling her I have some spooky neighbors she should interview. Also, I told her I don't give out my name. These people are reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly spooky. And I would like a part in the picture playing the good guy, whoever that is. Yucaipa Joe. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM) All right, I'm sorry about this whole thing. I've just been informed that this was all a plot to get Dianne into the sack with him. What bothers me is that he succeeded!

Co-Honorable Mention - If it was YOUR crop, hell yes!:

Is the disappearance of large quantities of peyote really considered "paranormal"? (NonComposmentiss@aol.com; bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

Runner-up - Dig it: This guy is selling cemetery plots AND heads the Chamber Pot of Commerce:

"So there you have it, folks. If you are overweight and facing serious heart issues, be sure to go to Yucaipa where you can die and haunt the crap out of dysfunctional ghost-hunting hippies." (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

The Winner - The truth is the truth, you can't have an opinion about it:

OJ...Robert Blake...Michael Jackson: do you REALLY have to go to Yucaipa to find the paranormal in California?! (maxcel200@aol.com)