(updated 20 Mar 05)

Hosted by Bucko

Is Your Cat in Heat, or Packing It?
(Header fired in by mwatts@nhbakersfield.com)

BATES TOWNSHIP, Mich. (Yahoo News) -- While cooking in his kitchen, Joseph Stanton, 29, was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon. Shot in his lower torso, he was taken to Marquette General Hospital. Curiously, representative Marcie Miller said there was no record of a patient by that name.
(Topic suggested by old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

The truth is that the hospital admitting area was so busy, Mr. Stanton was the last person that could fit in there, and there wasn't anyplace left to sit. Yes, it was Stanton Room Only... (murdoctor@aol.com) The cat says you're next.

Like anyone who was shot in the ass by his cat would give his right name. (maxcel200@aol.com; skibip@aol.com, others taking a crack at it)

Those cats - first they steal your breath, then they abscond with your identity. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Because of misinformed police, plus PETA's constant bitching on animal equality, CNN showed the chained tabby in an orange jump suit shuffling to court. (humorbear@aol.com) At least it wasn't wearing pajama bottoms.

Disney Studios plans to turn the incident into a movie...to be shown in the litterbox format. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Furthermore, Mr. Stanton couldn't clarify the situation any because according to witnesses, "the cat's got his gun." (cdmauger@aol.com; bjjtoff@tds.net, a couple of muted others)

If you were cooking ME in your kitchen, you'd have been lucky JUST to have been shot! I mean, in a kitchen , there are so many OTHER things that I would have used to inflict pain on you! (paracletus3@earthlink.net) OOOOOOOK....

Kinda drastic, don't you think? I usually just use a water sprayer to keep my cats off the table. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com)

Police have yet to confirm Mr. Stanton's allegations that prior to the shooting, he had received several harassing phone calls from his cat, Baxter, who apparently was demanding a certain brand of cat food. According to Mr. Stanton, when he failed to meet his demands, Baxter got angry. (jygirl8@aol.com) OK, if you're not a foreign film buff, you won't get it. Trust me, it's one damn clever entry! (Rent the movie, "Baxter." French. A real killer)

Let's face it. No one wants to admit to being taken down by a pussy. (guitartexn@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com & many others while the women weren't watching. Wussies!)

If I held my cooking up to my husband and told him to eat it or I would shoot him...he would say, "Give me the bullet." (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Ah, multiple explanations for the holes in his head.

Next time kitty sings "I want tuna, I want liver," you can bet he'll damn well deliver! (MrglsJon@aol.com; dakotadave57104@yahoo.com and finicky others)

Sadly, these things can happen when you neuter a male cat. It's a do unto others as they do unto you. (WJKbase@aol.com; noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

Big deal. The pussy I've been with the last 19 years has shot me 4 times. (Eleman8859@aol.com) Slow learner, aren't you?

There was however a record for patient "John D'OH!!!" (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

The cat has since been charged with making terroristic threats after telling Mr. Stanton that if he feeds him that crappy dry food again,the next time he'll be put in a plastic bag filled with rocks and thrown in the lake. (muck55@aol.com; mimsydivine@eaqrthlink.net) Now the cat's trying to take over the whole township, and master Bates.

He kept the gun on the counter with the Colt 45 Malt Liquor and the Smith & Wesson Oil. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

I know! It was Mr. Smokey in the kitchen with the hand gun! Woo hoo! I've never won at CLUE before. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

Even more curious is how quickly each of the 5 heads of the kitty crime families denied any association with a "Joseph Stanton". (razcactus@netzero.com) Aha! I KNEW the pussies were organized!

Stupid. Any Michigan chef will tell you, always put the meat tenderizer on safety before you put it down. (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com)

The NRA lauded Stanton for "taking appropriate precautions to potect himself while cooking." (skibip@aol.com)

Runner-up - the compelling story of a cat and his Rod:

Joseph Stanton, 29, average guy, employed, friendly neighbor. But lately Joe hasn't been paying attention to the cat. Or what seems to be a cat. Tonight Joe will get "accidently" injured and then, unknowingly, driven to the Twilight Zone. (seeker@vcoms.net)

The Winner - proving once again that reality TV warps the mind and rots the soul:

Apparently the man and his cat were watching Emeril Lagasse, when the cat decided to kick it up a notch and BAM!! (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)