Going for the Jugsular
("Header" suggested by Dubya@liarsclub.net)
PALO ALTO (AP) -- School officials are reconsidering their use of a popular speaker for Career Day after he advised students that they could earn a good living as strip dancers. William Fried told eighth-graders that exotic dancing could be lucrative careers for girls, offering as much as $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size. "For every two inches up there, you should get another $50,000 on your salary."
(Topic suggested by firstname.lastname@example.org)
This Round's Ritual Abuse:
So, how long are you going to keep the welcome greeting the same at NYCM? At least Cad changes it every now and then on the Forum... (email@example.com) I don't believe NYCM has ever HAD a welcome greeting.... but just for you:
Welcome to News You Can Muse.... we don't give a rat's ass about the truth unless it's funny!
Gosh, I guess that night at the club two years back might look good on my resume after all! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Eighth Grade, eh? I'm not so sure they're qualified to apply quite yet, Bucko! (email@example.com) My wife TEACHES 8th grade. Some of them are over-qualfied.
The "How the Hell Do You KNOW That?" Section:
And this advice comes from a guy who's only got two inches "down there." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Hey, this guy knows what hes talking about, just ask his wife and two daughters. (email@example.com) No, never buy a "used demo."
It's no more embarrassing than working for McDonald's for 20 years. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Several of the schoolgirls disagreed. They said they make much more than that for BJ's. (DOrr@jam.rr.com)
He then stated that “those of you that end up in the ‘Itty Bitty Titty Committee’ can always make it as fluffers”. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org) If you know what that means, go wash your brain out with soap.
The "You're a Prick for Sending This Entry" Section:
He went on to tell the guys that for every two inches "down there" you can marry a girl who makes another $50,000 a year. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Heck, for $250,000 a year, I'll get implants and go dance naked on stage...and I'm a guy! (email@example.com) Bad news. It's already been done. GOD, I wish I were kidding.
Hmmmm...I wonder if the two inches rule apply to the male exotic dancers? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
N - E - A, PO'd at U, S - E - X - U- LY:
School officials are now looking for female teachers, as the majority of theirs have quit, for a "higher paying job." (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org and others)
Teachers were outraged by the suggestion, not because of the dubious morality of the profession, but rather the fact that it pays 10 times more than theirs does... without requiring a Master's Degree. (email@example.com) If only that were NOT true....
Mind you, he did tell them that they should stay in school and continue their education until at least the tenth grade, saying the math skill learned will come in handy at tax time. (SPTirish@aol.com)
Seconds after this lecture was given, nine students were slightly injured when the female faculty stampeded the principal's office to resign before literally running to Victoria's Secret. (firstname.lastname@example.org) I know "Victoria's Secret." It starts with a Brazilian Wax....
School officials were disappointed that Mr. Fried failed to emphasize other, more lucrative, careers: marrying really old (but exceedingly rich) men, the Dutch sex trade, Columbian drug lord bounty hunting, and Hemp farming. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
The.... uh.... the "Next Section:"
Adding “but salaries will decrease once you hit high school”. (email@example.com)
Wish I was told that when my bust was up there instead of down there. (firstname.lastname@example.org) I'm not too polite to ask. I'm too scared.
Did he tell the boys about the grand opportunities of pimping? (email@example.com)
Mr. Fried later went on to disqualify himself, claiming that being showered by tassle adorned headgear in the blazing sun might leave him "mortar-fried". [ Alright, so it says Career Day, not graduation? I like the idea, so I'm sending it. (Damn strict constuctionists!) ] (HerzogVon@aol.com) OK, it's off topic.... I'll allow it since it's in the areola.
My big boobs ARE good for something, cuz I love vegetables, but I couldn't make it as a Veterinarian. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
Where was this guy during my Career Day? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
"For every two inches up there, you should get another $50,000 on your salary." "Up where?", cried the eighth-graders in unison, looking towards the ceiling. ( OK, so I haven't been out since 1963! ) (HerzogVon@aol.com) Yeah.... and I'd say unless the medication starts working, you aren't GETTING out! ;)
Well, I guess more than a handfull ISN'T a waste. (email@example.com)
Thus proving that men have no concept at all. It isn't inches, it's cup sizes! Inches are for guys. (firstname.lastname@example.org) So.... what you're saying is, that a 22DD-15-66 is sexy?
The speaker has been replaced by Marion Berry and Jerry Springer, who will tell students how crack smoking and solitation of prostitutes can get you elected mayor of major cities. (email@example.com)
What's this guy's phone number? (firstname.lastname@example.org) OH, no! Not unless I'm in for a piece, er- forget I said that.
Honorable Mention.... even though you'll be hated by millions for pointing it out:
Thus ending any hope for eighth grade boys getting to second base for the price of a Happy Meal and a round of mini golf. (SPTirish@aol.com)
The Runner-up.... wait'll you see next year's "cookies:"
The final straw? The Girl Scouts came out with 'Lap Dancing' merit badge. (email@example.com)
And the winner.... pardon me while I lose mine:
Wilma the 300 pound lunch lady said thats not true. (DOrr@jam.rr.com)