(updated 23 Nov 05)

Hosted by Bucko

Suddenly, His Pants Caught on Fire!
(Objectionable header sustained by rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

Seattle, WA (Seattle Times) -- Neelesh Phadnis was convicted of killing his parents, unwisely acting as his own lawyer. His defense? That the crimes were committed by a gang of 400-pound Samoans. In later "testimony", he included their girlfriends, two whites, two blacks, a Native American and a transsexual. He claimed they were slow runners, too; he outran them all to escape, despite being seriously wounded.
(LouMizzou@yahoo.com swears it's all true)

I'm surprised he didn't blame O.J. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com; DakotaDave57104@yahoo.com & a disturbing number of other Simpson-eltons)

The jury knew he was lying when he said a gang of 400 pound Samoans had girlfriends. Come on now, I myself am a svelte 390 and can't get a girlfriend. (pooks49@yahoo.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

That`s it! Blame it on the WWE!! (jdcoops3@aol.com) Get real! If it was the WWE, the deaths would have been total fakes!

Give Phadnis credit- it isn't easy to get a murderous Samoan to stop and stand on a scale. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

He pleaded "In loco Parentis" which HE took to mean, "My parents were crazy". [I prefer 'pled.' My electronic dictionary says both are acceptable.] (HerzogVon@aol.com) Dammit, "pled" IS the more proper term. So why SHOULDN'T we stick lit matches under the armpits of people who insist on using "pleaded"? HUH? And look, it's not your fault nor mine if people use deodorants that are flammable....

Uh, sorry.... I have HNOS - Hyperactive Nomenclature Obsession Syndrome.

Neelesh is an old Greek name for 'kill and cover your tracks.' But this Neelesh was one stupid idiot. He never studied the classics. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com) Easy for YOU to talk "the classics"; you were THERE! ;)

He was pursued by the New York Knicks? (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

In further consideration, Neelesh was on record as saying that there may also have been two gays, two lesbians...no...three lesbians, a washed up private investigator, a hula-hoop, President Bush's daughter, a twinkie, five goldfish and a nun. County prosecutors are considering interviewing the twinkie as a primary witness. (DeepThought07@aol.com) Not so fast, Smedley! WHICH Bush daughter?

He blames his conviction on the unreliable testimony of his star witnesses - a Pakistani midget, two stage hands from the Yugoslavian production of Cirque du Soleil, Neil Armstrong's dentist, eight members of the Scandinavian Symphony Orchestra, and Charlton Heston. (cdmauger@aol.com)

Fortunately, he did not get the names of any of the attendees at the latest International HMO Conference on Dieting and Mescaline. (seeker@vcoms.net) Um.... I, uh, may have accidentally e-mailed that list to Craig Ferguson. Sorry.

Hmmm..he had a heavier defense than the Baltimore Ravens (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

And now, the "Let's Tick Some People Off!" Section:

Hah! That proves he was lying...the 2 white guys would have shot him, the 2 blacks would have ran faster, the Native American would have tracked him, and any woman strong enough to handle a 400 lb Samoan would have to be fast. (jaberwok@marktwain.net; tpanner@hotmail.com)

"Acted as his own lawyer, eh?" mused Bush. "Hey, we got any more Supreme Court openings?" (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

I can believe he out ran the transsexual; he/she probably stopped to fix the curtains. (jaberwok@marktwain.net; Cantw82paint@aol.com & several other inferior heckolators)

Update: Phadnis has been released under a Presidential pardon. He's now in Washington and has assumed part of Scooter's job where he's working on reasons we went into Iraq. (globalview1@aol.com)

The jury consisting of three whites, two blacks, one Asian, two Aluetian Islanders, two angry Mexicans, a French-Canadian of questionable fashion taste, and the cutest Aboriginie you ever saw only needed 30 minutes of deliberation to see through the ruse. (manpretty@gmail.com)

Followed by: The "You Can't Handle the Truth!" Section:

He's telling the truth...the same group came over and broke my mom's lamp when I was 7. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

He was going to mention the cross-dressing Chihuahuas, but he thought it might seem too implausible. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

As they drug him out of the courtroom shackled , Neelesh screamed, "Wait , it was actually helium-powered super robots that did it, I swear " (edprocoat@msn.com) Yeah? NOW he starts talking sense....

Suppose it really happened. How do you convince a jury that your parents were killed by an overweight, all-Hawaiian, Village People cover band? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Upon further reflection, he added "Well, they weren't really 'slow runners'; it's just that who in their right minds would want to leave an orgy like that?" (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Your Honor-able Mention - Everybody now:

Fiiiiiive Gooooolden Rings! (seeker@vcoms.net)

Slow Runner-up - Neelesh should have listened to this VERY experienced "handler":

The jury almost acquitted Neelesh Phadnis, but one of the jurors realized his name was an anagram of "he handles penis", so they found him guilty...and sentenced him to "community service" for life. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

The Co-Winners - Outed Phadnis as a quack, which was despicable:

Oh, please. I saw that Daffy Duck cartoon, too! (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com; changetion@gmail.com)