Testy Bomb Thrower Gets Own
(Header "oyster" by firstname.lastname@example.org)
Durham, NC (Raleigh News/Observer) -- Otis Wilkins, 45, was charged with the attempted murders of his ex-girlfriend and others. In a jealous rage, he schemed to fling a plastic bottle filled with gunpowder into their car. However, his aim was less than accurate... he missed the window. The bottle bounced back at his feet and exploded upwards. Aside from the "most immediate" injuries, it ignited his clothes into a fireball, sending him to the hospital where he was arrested.
(Topic blasted in by LouMizzou@yahoo.com)
Sorry, "Jerry Lee Lewis/Great Balls of Fire" entries too obvious & didn't make the charts.... besides, EVERYONE sent it.
I am fortunate to have not been arrested for the bombs I've lobbed in to HMO. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com) You're fortunate to still be ALIVE, Smedley!
Otis Wilkins admitted to hospital staff that he grew up in a poor suburb of Durham....His only hero, Wile E. Coyote. When searching Wilkins apartment, Durham police uncovered additional incriminating items from the Acme Company, including oversized sticks of dynamite and a 2 ton anchor on a pully system. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org, lots of other Looneys, same tune)
Avian "equal time" extremists insisted on representation of their side:
Witnesses report that after the explosion Wilkin's mystery girlfriend stuck out her tongue, muttered 'Meep Meep', and then ran off into the sunset at physics-defying speed. The only evidence remaining from her disappearance were a wig and shells from what has been identified as 'Acme birdseed'. (email@example.com)
Apparently, the only effective use of the word "retardant" in this story would not refer to the idiot's clothes. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
In other news, the Yankees will be adding Wilkins to their roster, since he's better than any pitcher they currently have. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org) Red Sox! Red Sox!
He was lifted on his own petard, and lost the family jewels. OUCH!!! (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)
If only he hadn't waited until she finished saying, "I am rubber, you are glue..." (email@example.com) You mean that really WORKS? Son of a bitch....
Well that's the way the bottle bounces. If we're lucky, it blew his testicles off and Otis is no longer in the genome pool. (firstname.lastname@example.org; Naskarkid9@aol.com, other Darwinists)
A priest at the hospital encouraged Mr. Wilkins to repent his singe. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)
And in a related story, a man 3 blocks down fainted when a flaming testicle landed in his oatmeal. (email@example.com) Even when he came to, he was quakering.
The man has filed a lawsuit against Coca Cola, for "designing bottles incapable of bomb capacity". Coca Cola declined to comment, as they simply laughed their asses off instead. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yet, some DID pity him:
Richard Pryor sent his sympathies. (email@example.com) "Dear Otis: I feel bad for ya, brother, 'cause we both been burned by coke!"
You're willing to load a few pounds of gunpowder into a bottle, but you're not willing to find a freaking glass bottle? Sorry, dude, you deserve what you get. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com, quite a few other bottle-babies)
Ok, was the attempted murder charge based on throwing the gunpowder or did the ex-girlfriend almost die laughing at this bozo? (L1061S@go.com)
There was a time when a guy would just call his ex a no-good, back stabbing, crab infested, disease ridden, mattress-backed, pus-oozing, dime-a-dozen, filthy little slut. Yeah, those were the good old days. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com) Just like Dad used to call Mom....
This just gives the advocates for adhesive plastic bottles more ammunition in the state senate. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Boys! She stopped banging him, so he banged himself (eeeek, I can't believe I said that). (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Too late, I have it in writing! ("Innocent", my ass....)
He won't have any use for a girlfriend now. Penis replacement is still in the "how do you get it up stage." (NITRAMXXX@aol.com; email@example.com)
Proves the old adage: always kill in cold blood. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)
He was heard to mutter while looking at his missing crotch: "Oh, Brother...where art thou?" (firstname.lastname@example.org) Now, he's a man of constant sorrow.
Durham, site of Duke University, with some of the smartest people in the world. Obviously, they and Mr. Wilkins aren't breathing the same air. (email@example.com)
Otis' sister, ex-girlfriend, and, oddly, mother could not be reached for comment, but we tried to call her. (firstname.lastname@example.org) One of those "nucular families" you've heard tell about.
I've always wanted to kill those damn "others," too. I just never knew where to find them. (email@example.com)
Considering it was a convertible, that's pretty pathetic. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)
I guess you could say he still carried a torch for his former flame. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Ironically, the torch is what set off the gunpowder.
He later wrote in a poem to her: "My love for you is like a burning flame in my heart, legs, groin, torso, chest, arms... " (Kamasushi@gmail.com; email@example.com)
Honorable Mention - At least there's a satin lining to this sad story:
If he manages to beat the attempted murder rap, he still may have his clothes replaced, when she rewards him with a civil suit (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Runner-up - Sage advice, from a man who wisely drank all the moonshine first:
"You see, old Otis never learned to tell the difference between a traditional sturdy brown ceramic jug and a cheap plastic immitation. Don't let this happen to you! Remember; once pottery is throwed, it done STAY throwed." Clay Kilnlevan, Pres., US. Ceramics Institute. (HerzogVon@aol.com)
The Winner - Gentlemen: Get some damn therapy before YOU blow it, too:
Just another example of how most men are so bad at expressing their feelings and keeping them all bottled up. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)