(updated 24 Feb 05)

Hosted by Bucko

Itchy Bitchy Spiders
(Title suggested by Airfarcewon@aol.com)

SYDNEY, Australia (Reuters) -- Australians have been warned: angry arachnids are heading indoors because Australia's hot, humid and wet summer has had a bad effect on potentially deadly redback spiders. A female's bite usually results in sweating and pain, which slowly builds to the point of being unbearable.

(I am informed by a reliable source that Reuters is full of dingo shit. "Redbacks never come indoors, and they're so tiny, you usually squash them with your hand." [Thanks to Internut36@hotmail.com]. Apparently, Australians sprinkle them on their breakfast cereal for added flavor. My bad.)

Crikey! Eatin' a redback for brekky is horrible, mate. Bloody Yanks... they are only eaten at tea time. (Internut36@hotmail.com) Dammit! I couldn't even keep THAT straight.

I know I'm going to regret this.... The "NYCM: The Musical!" Section:

It's already been celebrated in an Australian "folk song" (Tune of "Greenback Dollar"): "Oh well I don't give a damn about a redbacked spider / Squish em fast as I can. / Like the fat caine toad and the rabbit pest, / Killin' em is all I understand. / Killin' em is all I understand." The Melbourne Trio (HerzogVon@aol.com) I thought it was the Queensland Kings?

"Eight Legs on Me" (Tune of "Eight Days a Week") Ooh I just got bit babe, Guess you know it's true Hope you need some sweat babe, Though they'll be pain too. Hold me, love me, hold me, love me. Ain't got nothing but bit babe, Eight legs on me. Bit me on the hiney Sitting on the can. Guess I'm pretty whiney, Wish it was my hand. She's crawlin' down my shin now. Eight legs on me Is more than I planned to have! Ooh I just got bit babe,... Eight legs on me... Bit my hiney... Eight legs on me... (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Ahh, seems like that ol' lock-jaw Aussie, Two-teeth Tonya is on the loose again!!! (allen018@aol.com) Listening to John Valby again, are we? Pervert!

The Group Therapy/Anger Management (or the lack thereof) Section:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For YEARS males have been blamed for anything bad that happens, but now the truth comes out...it's the FEMALE who causes the most pain! (paracletus3@aol.com; tygrhat40@yahoo.com, & other "whipped" persons)

Hear we have a classic case of what is called the arachnid PMS: Painful, Merciless Spider. (humorbear@aol.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com, and others. Mostly men.)

Sounds like married life after you forgot Valentine's Day. (humorbear@aol.com; DLivermore2002@aol.com, and many other bitter, bitter men)

One local was quoted as saying "Sounds alot like me ex-wife, mate. Her nagging usually resulted in sweating and pain, then rapidly became unbearable." (AnthrStupdSN@aol.com; JDCoops3@aol.com, and yet more guys needing Prozac)

Then, 5 years later, she will ask for a divorce and half of everything you own. (DesyHand@aol.com) ASK?? Yeah, right!

To which Australians replied,"Sweating and unbearable pain? Is that all? That's nothing compared to my mother-in-law!" (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com)

The "This is the GOOD news?" Section:

On the bright side, the unbearable pain is soon replaced by death. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Menopausal women across the country are welcoming them into their homes, grateful to finally be able to share their experiences with their husbands. (spikerkta@aol.com; HerzogVon@aol.com)

Yeah, well at least the Australians haven't been told to seal themselves into their bathrooms with plastic and duct tape. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Yeah.... remember "Duck and cover!" kids? Apparently, death isn't as bad if they lie to you about it.

Also beware the redNECK spider, who's bite leads to the uncontrollable urge to drink beer, strip down to your skivvies and watch Jerry Springer. (MrglsJon@aol.com; bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

So if this occurs, calmly place the spider outside and ask your wife to release her jaw. (internut36@hotmail.com)

Whew...I thought Vegemite was the only Australian thing that could cause sweating and pain after a bite. (JOSQUARD@aol.com) Basically Spam paste made of beer waste. Go to www.vegemite.com.au, you really HAVE to see it. Especially, play the song.

The male's bite results in the desire to watch rugby, drink beer and slice off your penis - so you've got a 50/50 chance. (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com)

Which is not unlike the effects of reruns of reality shows which will be airing this summer as well. (BWillisThompson@earthlink.net; AuntShecky711@aol.com)

Wait! (Gasp!) If we can get a large enough toaster and some sterile glucose we could reach Antarctica in record time! (seeker@vcoms.net) WHAT??!!

Honorable Mention - Deja Vu all over again:

President Bush released a statement saying that he understands arachnids are angry, but that Saddam Hussein had to go (comedian2000@hotmail.com)

Runner-up - Pocket this advice:

One Australian interviewed laughed, however, stating "That's nothing! you should feel the kick of the female kangaroo when you try to mount her!" (strollo5@aol.com)

The Winner - NOW the truth "comes out:"

But if they'd just stop shoving her head down, she'd swallow and be on her merry way. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)