Let's get ready to Robles!!!
(Header spat in by email@example.com)
ORLANDO (Sun-Sentinel) -- Jonathan Robles, 18, was arrested for aggravated battery. Cars driven by friends of David Roshak, 17, cut off Robles as he tried to turn into their school. Witnesses vary on who started the fight, but the teens ended up on the ground with Robles placing Roshak in a headlock & then biting about three-quarters of his left ear off. Robles claimed "I was just trying to save my own life." Roshak's ear was reattached at a hospital.
(Topic suggested by firstname.lastname@example.org's evil goldfish)
OK, the ONE Tyson-related entry I'll post:
I will not send an entry about Mike Tyson...I will not send an entry about Mike Tyson...I will not...damn... (email@example.com; 4000 others) (C'mon, you guys, it was just TOO obvious!)
Robles later admitted that because he was cut off, he missed the school's free breakfast. (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
Whatever happened to the good old days when people would just talk someone's ear off? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I HATE when I'm doing magic tricks, and some nut heads me off! I mean, here Jonathon is, just trying to turn himself INTO a school, and some IDIOT cuts him...oh, never mind. You probably were thinking this was a DIRTY joke! (email@example.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) We were all hoping....
Robles was rushed to dental emergency when it was discovered he had a really bad overbite. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Serves him right for creating those darned inkblot tests. (Kamasushi@gmail.com)
Whew! I bet his parents gave him an earful when he got home! (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
I read this story to my blonde female friend...She wanted to know how the victim got 3 quarters in his ear to begin with. (email@example.com) He's a jock = male equivalent of a blonde.
Aggravated battery...yeah, that damn bunny gets on my nerves, too. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Just another case where school officials were lax about 'gum control'. (email@example.com)
Apparently, Roshak had a more critical part of Robles anatomy in his mouth at the time. (firstname.lastname@example.org) We're going to need a sketch of this. The anatomical implications, well.... disturbing.
Roshak was previously warned not to tangle with Robles but the advice only went in one ear and off the other. (email@example.com)
Roble's new-found reputation as a badass was short-lived, however, when it was noted that he had been driving an AMC Pacer. (firstname.lastname@example.org) One of the Top Ten Wussy Cars.
I'm suprised that Robles didn't claim that Roshak said:"Bite me", and that all he did was oblige him! (email@example.com)
That's it. I'm never cleaning the wax out of my ears again. Ever. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Well, according to your husband, you never have.
At a later news conference, when asked why he did it, Robles replied, " I was just trying to scare him away, but I guess I bit off more than I could shoo!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com; email@example.com; some other nibbles)
When observers indicated that Roshak gave in without a fight, Robles remarked "Yeah, he tasted like chicken, too." (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; a bunch of other clucks)
Upon awakening from surgery, the patient asked, "Where did my VAN GOGH?" (AuntShecky711@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; a slew of others trying to make a good impressionist)
Friends, Robles and countrymen, lend me....ahh nevermind. (email@example.com) Almost buried this one, but it kinda seizered me.
Barney Robles, Jonathan's father, insisted that previously similar incidents attributed to his other son, Bam-Bam, do not indicate a tendency for violence. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Jeez, Robles...Can't you get your aurals elsewhere? (email@example.com)
Wait, I'm confused. How was the battery aggravated? It should have just been sitting patiently in the car attached to cables and stuff. (firstname.lastname@example.org) I got a real charge out of that one, even if it WAS revolting.
Unfortunately, they reattached it upside down, so now he hears everything from that ear in Pig Latin. (email@example.com)
What's the big deal?!? I went to Orlando and got a FINE set of ears from Disneyworld. Name is on them too! (firstname.lastname@example.org; Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Robles claimed "I was just trying to save my own life." Of course, there's nothing more life threatening than a big, hairy earlobe. (HerzogVon@aol.com) Ah, so THAT'S why people are scared shitless of you!
Honorable Mention - the truth is the truth, you can't have an opinion about it:
He's not going to need that ear because men just never listen anyway. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
Co-Runners-up - some people TALK like asses. Others:
In a horrible twist of fate, the hospital attached his ear to his butt. On a positive note, no one talks behind his back anymore. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Co-Winners - you better get up EARly to avoid these two:
An EAR?! You call that assault? Why, when I was a teenager we'd bite the top of somebody's skull between cigarettes. After walking to school in the snow for five miles. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)