(updated 29 Dec 05)

Hosted by Bucko

Homeland Insecurity
(Header alarm raised by NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

TAMPA, FL (The Tampa Tribune) -- Two lower-tier Florida tourist attractions, the Weeki Wachee Springs mermaid show and Dinosaur World in Plant City, were on Homeland Security's list of sites that the state had to "harden" against terrorist attacks, even though Florida officials complained that major sports venues and more popular entertainment sites were NOT on the list.

You are shameless and hopeless...though not altogether mucked up. I'm guessing there's further to go! haha (jankath@yahoo.com) Hopeless? Eh, maybe. Shameless? Absolutely! ;)

These two shows featured performers named Ethel Mermaid and Dino Martin...this alone, would call for added security. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Perfectly logical...anyone who pays to see the Dolphins or Bucs experiences weekly pain far worse than what any terrorist could cause. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com; tpanner@hotmail.com, other off-color commentators)

And besides:

Well, that sort of makes sense, all the pro players are on steroids and they can take care of themselves. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Seems "Dubya" had just finished watching Jurassic Park and feared having the T-Rex fall into the wrong hands. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com; AuntShecky711@aol.com, other shameless sequelists) Remember: the T-Rex swallowed a lawyer WHOLE out of a restroom. So why don't we send it to Washington, DC, which is a crapper all by itself?

The owners of "Weeki Wachee Springs", Culligan, Mann and Assoc., protested the hardening, claiming that removing iron and other hard deposits from tourists was an essential part of their business. (The Janitorial Services Union was pissed as well.) (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Let's face it, Weeki Wachee is a lot easier to secure than Disney World or the Daytona racetrack. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Well, let's not be hasty. The CIA intercepted plans to burn Weeki Wachee Springs to the ground.

Other Florida sites listed as vulnerable by DHS included the National Shuffleboard Hall of Fame, the Miami Wax Museum, and a St. Petersburg IHOP. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

I saw the mermaid show at Weeki Wachee. I don't know about anyone else there, but I was pretty hardened. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com; Cantw82paint@aol.com, many other upstanding players)

Lower tier? Look, I live in the Orlando area. The restrooms at the gas stations rank higher than those holes. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) Maybe, but they SMELL like they've already been hit....

Makes sense to me. ANYONE who's ever seen the Weeki Wachee mermaid show would want to blow it up, while only a few terrorists would be interested in the Orange Bowl. (skibip@aol.com) Hey! Don't be dissing the host's alma mater, Smedley!

Well, Bin Laden was reportedly quoted as saying, "Weeki Wachee Springs is the biggest f***ing rip-off ever. The dinosaurs are so fake, and the mermaids don't even show any side boob. It's the worst." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Why are we so concerned about protecting people who can't even figure out how a manual ballot works? Wait, President Bush...Governer Bush? What the? Oh, I see how it works. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) And it only took you five years, too!

The article failed to mention that Weeki Wachee Springs has the loosest gun control laws in the state of Florida. The town does not require a person to have a license in order to carry a firearm; nor do firearms have to be concealed. In fact, it's not that uncommon to see its citizens carrying guns openly in public areas. The city officials of Weeki Wachee figure that if a terrorist is brave enough to come to their town and risk being shot by three thousand rednecks, then more power to them. (burnettwesley@yahoo.com)

You would think that a state that's shaped like a penis wouldn't have a problem with hardening. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com) Yes, but it's SAND; it ain't like it's rock-hard, buddy!

Further, G.W. is putting extra security around Tampa's waterways because he doesn't want the terrorists to have the keys to the city (maxcel200@aol.com)

The first place on the list was Rush Limbaugh's medicine chest. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com) Limbaugh's already BLOW-hardened.

Honorable Mention - Let's not screw with the screwers and let them get screwed:

While I admit that the hooker industry is "self-hardening," I think they're much more important. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Runner-Up - How can we secure "our" oil without the SOURCE of the oil?:

Well, if they killed all of our dinosaurs, how could we ever hope to win the war in Iraq? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

The Winner - If only America were more tasteful (sigh):

No, really -- it's well-known that kitsch enrages Bin Laden. (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)