(updated 29 Jan 05)

Hosted by Bucko

Damnphibians!!
(An entire entry from old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com was ritually killed for this word)

HONOLULU (AP) -- A tiny frog with a huge shriek has invaded the Big Island and won't shut up. Mayor Harry Kim is looking for $2 million to control the spread of the coqui frog, a native of Puerto Rico but a pest in Hawaii since its accidental arrival around 1990. The frogs have been mating easily - and shattering quiet island nights - ever since. "I kick myself in the back every day for not getting started more aggressively," Kim said.
(Topic suggested by kmurphyshelton@netscape.net)

The frogs have been mating easily, huh? Just shows you, anyone can get lucky in Hawaii. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com; SPTirish@aol.com) As described in the Tourist Guide, written by KamanIwannalaya.

Mayor Kim can't say enough about the humungous noise coming from these amphibians...for the past week, it's been violating Bolivia's noise ordinance. (humorbear@aol.com)

Knew a girl named "Hairy" Kim once. Probably not the same person. (e-marlon@sio.midco.com) TMI! TMI!

Actually, the coqui frogs are relatively mute and in fact do sign language, but they are being rudely awakened by a loud screaming Mayor Kim throwing his back out trying to kick himself. (he loves us, shugarump EEEK!!!) (humorbear@aol.com; HerzogVon@aol.com, and a TON of variations)

Advisors from Kellog's suggest placing bowls of Sugar Smacks in traps to capture the pests. (stan@squidworks.com)

Coqui Ribbets...Wasn't she a news anchor lady for ABC? (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Seriously, I AM going to have to kill you some day....

Maybe by sacrificing a virgin with the above-mentioned 2 additional inches to Mt. Pele would do the trick. Oh...Hawaii and its "virgins"...um...never mind. (paracletus3@aol.com)

Two million dollars needed? Simple, you just have Kermit come out to be a mediator, or at the very least, have the li'l green guy throw a telethon. (humorbear@aol.com; srch4sat@verizon.com) This possibly brilliant strategy was killed by:

News update...Miss Piggy has been hired, and reports are that a large number of the frogs are already gone. (lacee7700@aol.com; bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

Plans for the $2 million include the servces of a French Chef and a resurgence of the 'tiny portions' diet. They have the support of both the South Beach and Atkins diet. (srch4sat@verizon.com)

And the WB channel thought they had it bad with a singing frog and bad actors. (DOrr@jam.rr.com) No, WE have it bad, assuming we're drunk/stoned enough to turn it on.

Despite the influx, it seems that no Islander can get the frogs to break out into "Hello My Baby (Ragtime Gal)" on cue. (JOSQUARD@aol.com; jnmcda0@yahoo.com, couple of others)

Experts say it would cost much more than $2 million to control the spreading of the Hilton Sisters. (jaynashvil@aol.com) It's all right here on the Internet!

The "wet back" frog is still finding ways across the loose Hawaiian-Puerto Rican border. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

The Island Mayor is to receive help when FEAR FACTOR HAWAII films there next week. The show promises to gather 20,000 frogs and toss them into a giant blender to make a Coqui Frog Margarita the finalists will need to drink. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

Mayor Kim invited Ashlee Simpson, Kelly Clarkson, and all the acoustical technicians from the Orange Bowl halftime show to perform for the frogs. A gleeful Kim later remarked, "If I had covered the whole island in a boiling blanket of lava, I couldn't have gotten rid of those damn frogs more effectively." (tpanner@inorbit.com; noveed@yahoo.com, and more other Ashlee Simpson-bashing than I could believe) Not to mention:

No word from the frogs' sister, Jessica Simpson.. (gregzeer@yahoo.com)

Only 8 more plagues to go! (n_zukowski@hotmail.com)

It turns out that there are 27 male frogs for every female frog. You'd scream too. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) It gets worse. Some of the females ARE gay, you know.

Load some crop dusters with a one percent solution of Jennifer Lopez's latest perfume. It's a sure libido killer. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

It's not the shrieking that bothers the Mayor, but that the frogs are mating with the tourists. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

Due to the various bans on food imports to Hawaii, McDonalds is seriously looking into capturing and marketing the frogs on their new low carb menu, new "McLeggs" (they taste just like chicken, you know). (madavis62@alltel.net) Yes, but what does chicken taste like?

Hey, I got a "coqui" I can't control either, can I get $2 mil to try? (VirtualBob@earthlink.net) Sure, if you don't mind genital warts.

However, the croaking has drowned out the innumerable renditions of Don Ho's "Tiny Bubbles" from swanky bars, bring relief to hundreds of island natives. (JOSQUARD@aol.com; mwatts@nhbakersfield.com, and a few other cheap "Ho"s)

WARNING: Reading the winning entries could kill YOUR sex drive for up to a month!

Honorable Mention, but the PETA people are pissed about:

The problem was finally solved by putting up a giant photo of Hillary Clinton on the island, which totally destroyed the frogs' sex drive. (jd8375@msn.com)

The Runner-Up, Guaranteed to make you throw up:

Mayor Kim's proposed solution? Keeping the main culprits, the male frogs, from shrieking during sex by fitting small paper bags over the heads of the females, most of whom, remarkably, bear a striking resemblence to comedienne and celebrity interviewer Joan Rivers. (rockitower@aol.com) (Usage of "comedienne"? As loose as the f**king frogs)

And the Winner: The horror, the horror....

"It really wouldn't be so bad" Mayor Kim added, "if the damn things didn't sound so much like Fran Drescher." (MartinLeCroix@aol.com)