(updated 30 Dec 04)

Hosted by Slyph

Well, Slyph is going to take a little hiatus so he can attend to personal things...in the interim period, Bucko has graciously agreed to fill in.

QUEEN CAUGHT WITH BREACHES DOWN!
(Header shamelessly adapted from entry from Airfarcewon@aol.com)

LONDON, UK (Reuters) -- Ben Church, a worker at Buckingham Palace, has been sacked for trying to sell a Christmas pudding gift from Queen Elizabeth on an Internet auction site. An unnamed source said the Palace termed it a "security breach."
(Topic suggested by itchycrotch@marsbar.com)

This Week's Ritual Abuse:
 
You suck! I'm getting sick and tired of the "faves" always getting picked over me! You bastard, you just signed your own death warrant! If my entry doesn't get picked at least I might make the "abuse the judge" section. Although I suspect there might be more entries in this category  :/  (internut36@hotmail.com) You'd be amazed.

Yeah right, as if the queen bakes pudding. (skibip@aol.com) Listen, how about you NOT undercutting this week's whole premise?  Play nice.

Pudding? At least our boss forked out the money for a ham. Cheap bitch. (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com; noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

Which Queen Elizabeth? Please be more specific... (Ringo@illuSchoen.net) Ocean liner.

Another pudding poacher is wanted by Scotland Yard, but Jello refuses to extradite Bill Cosby. (humorbear@aol.com)

The Queen's secret recipe for pudding is not to be trifled with. That Bill Cosby has been trying to get it for YEARS! (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

However, Jello has hired the man as an endorser of their product, though they should've gotten Bill Cosby. (jdcoops3@aol.com; TPHYLL@aol.com) Couldn't choose between the Cosby entries.... Merry Freakin' Christmas!

The "You Guys Just Won't Let Anything Go, WILL you?" Section:

Ben said the pudding's main ingredients consist of a tomato and onion sauce. (lacee7700@aol.com)

Ben Church, aka Tony Blair, has been promply arrested, sent to the Mexican guy chef as English Muffins. (humorbear@aol.com)

The "I'm Going to Have to Kill You Now" Pun Collection:

It was later learned that when the man was in the Queen's 'Royal Army,' he was almost sent to prison for "dessertion."  (maxcel200@aol.com; tainsam@aol.com)

The proof of the pudding is in the E-thing! (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Another valid argument for the separation of Church and State. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com; several others)

On the other hand, auctioning off a "Pound" cake would have constituted a violation of the National Securities Act. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Only sacked? For re-selling the Queen's pudding? He's lucky he wasn't sent to stir! (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Would that be "in-bred" pudding? (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

Some Obscure "Terribly British" Entries:

It was probably stirred counter-clockwise.(English tradition is to stir in love clockwise... well, it's not funny if you have to explain it, now is it? Bugger off!) (dorr@jam.rr.com)

The English use the word  "pudding" as a slang for "semen". He was really trying to sell the Queen's dress with dried "pudding" on it.The old girl has still got it! (SSCompose@aol.com)

This stained the family honour so bad, Buckingham found it necessary to form the Prince Charles Pudding Posse Comitatus. (humorbear@aol.com) You two?  In my office.  Now.

"The security staff at Buckingham Palace now refers to Mr. Church as 'Puddin'head'..." (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

"The British tabloids have deemed this "Babs' Mousse On The Loose." (humorbear@aol.com)

Church was consequently judged to be a certified plum duff..." (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

If you think you may have missed the joke in any of those, pretend.... or else prepare to be mocked! ;)

The three pieces of the crown jewels found for sale under Mr. Church's name, however, were allowed to remain posted on the site since they fetched a far better price. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com) Prince Philip? Please check your boxer shorts.

Of course, sacking Churches has been integral to British history, largely due to the fun the Vikings had while doing it! (paracletus3@aol.com)

That's only because he tried to kill the Queen to get it. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Oh, so what?  England is FULL of queens-- there I go, breaking my own rules....

Now the old song says: "So bring us the friggin'  pudding, and auction it out here...."   (kayladykay@aol.com; jsalava@charter.net)

The closing bid on the pudding was 1 million dollars. It is believed the pudding fetched such a high price because several of the raisins looked like the Queen. (internut36@hotmail.com) Which PART of the Quee-- NEVER MIND!

It was the $75,000 silver tureen it came in that really miffed them. (jdcoops3@aol.com)

Little Ben Church, Was in a lurch, For selling his Christmas pie, He put it on E-Bay, Got fired the next day, With the bucks, tho', to Bermuda he'll fly... (fishjean@sonic.net)

So now puddings are "collectibles" too? (Ringo@illuSchoen.net) Two words: "Elvis Water."

If the Queen of Bloody England gives pudding as a gift, I don't feel so bad about the Chia pets I sent out. (DaJakAiss@optonlin.net)

And, of course, Pink Floyd finally explained: " HOW CAN YOU HAVE YOUR PUDDING, IF YOU WON`T EAT YOUR MEAT!!" (jdcoops3@aol.com; mwatts@nhbakersfield.com) I am SO pleased two of you caught that!

Not-So-Honourable Mention:

Church worked hard at the palace and claimed he could prove he ate the Queens "pudding!" (How else would this unnamed source come up with words like "sacked" and "breach"?!) (tackajoey@aol.com) GROSS!! Even by MY standards.

Honourable Mention:

Church may be have breached security before. He's alleged to be the same dude who took hidden, nude photogaphs of Margaret Thatcher and tried to sell them to the Louvre. (humorbear@aol.com) Fortunately, the film committed suicide first.

The "Runner-in-the-Stockings" Up:

Mr. Church categorically denied the claims, and hastily removed the Queen's soiled panties and hose from other auctions. (RWich928@aol.com)

And the Winner.... keep your damn baked "goods" to yourself, Lizzie:

Though a crappy gift, the pudding was no where near as crappy as last year's "Chamber-Pot Pies." (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)