(updated 30 Mar 04)

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Remember, don't whack and drive.
(Title courtesy of chharget@aol.com)

CLIFTON PARK, NY -- Andre Gainey found out he cannot drive and watch porn. Police said Gainey, 35, was watching an adult movie called Chocolate Foam while driving his Mercedes Benz.

Gainey says he would never attempt that again, instead he'll be installing a camera inside his Benz and approach the "porn and drive" concept from another angle. (tackajoey@aol.com)

It seems they found him impaled on his gear shift, and the weird thing, it was not from a wreck. (flacsb252@wmconnect.com)

Mercedes manufactures are now rethinking their limited-edition model XTR-HD Benz, which comes standard with a digital screen linked to satellite porn in the cedar-paneled dash. (rose_justice@msn.com) ... and Scotchguarded floor mats?

Police originally thought he was driving with "The Club" still on his steering wheel. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com; robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

He was charged with driving while stupid and icky behavior, but the major charge was illegally downloading movies. (seeker@vcoms.net) Those DWSI's can really screw up a young man's future.

Police were alerted by his apparent constant use of a stick shift in a car that was clearly an automatic. (rochford@netaus.net.au) Of the 42 similar entries, Rochford put it the most eloquently.

The wide screen on the hood .....was a dead giveaway. (TZMAC@aol.com)

You know what they say? That's just the way the old Mercedes Bends! (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Sorry, folks! Sometimes he just gets out of his cage.

The charges however were dropped due to racial profiling. It appears the man in the Lexus next to him was watching the porn "Vanilla Cream" and they let it slide. (Storm844@aol.com; missabunbun@aol.com)

He's apparently cookoo for cocoa muff. (you probably can't publish this one) (zenphoenix@yahoo.com) Probably.

I'm glad they got the Jerk-off...the road! (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Man, that's just the man bringing me down. Next they'll outlaw road-head. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

He avoided serious injury in the crash because his car was equipped with an inflatable woman. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

Coincidently, the star of the porno was named Mercedes Bends. (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

He later explained that he was experimenting with various anti-theft devices and had opted for the temporary installation of the "Bio-Club". The Bio-Club is available on-line to most male members of society. (texastech@ziplip.com) Miniatures, available at Texas Tech. (Gig'em)

Fortunately for Mr. Gainey, he wasn't killed in the ensuing crash, since he was ejaculated from the car. (MooseSpeak@netscape.net)

I know what they're saying, that movie was terrible. (thefish66@hotmail.com)

The arresting officer had to sit through the whole movie before determining it was inappropriate. (william.fishburne@verizon.net, scalpel@aol.com)

He remembers every detail of every scene, however. He has a pornographic memory. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

I remember Janis Joplin's song about that: "No porn... while you're drivin'... a Mercedes Benz." (rsherman@netplexgroup.com) "THE Crazy Woman" loved this one.

From now on he'll bicycle and watch porn. (seeker@vcoms.net)

Police were tipped off by the 43 pedestrians being dragged underneath his car. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

And the winner...

That mind is definitely twisted, he's got the Mercedes bends. (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)