The Bear Neccessities
SEATTLE, Washington (Reuters) -- A black bear was found passed out at a campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.
Research has since proven that while it was once believed that bears hibernate, we know know that they are really in drunken stupors all winter. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Black bear? Are you sure it wasn't a Guzzly? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
The Ranger said the bear went on a drinking binge after reading in the paper about a buddy of his, a drug sniffing police dog, dieing of a overdose. (SPTirish@aol.com) And God only knows what that wasp was on.
Poor thing...he couldn't "bear" the hangover. (email@example.com) PUN!!!!!!!!!111
Ursine biologist Victor Zimmer noted this is extremely atypical behavior, as most bears prefer European beers over that pretentious local crap. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
When discovered, the bear was heard to exclaim, "Where'sh Goldilocksh?" (Airfarcewon@aol.com) It later became apparent the bear was Sean Connery.
He left the camp peacefully after bumming 2 smokes. (email@example.com)
It was learned that the bear had just gorged himself on highway spilled jam causing the biggest TRAFFIC JAM ever! (Hey, I missed out on the best pun ever on the previous go-around.) (firstname.lastname@example.org)
In related news, the Guinness Book of World Records confirmed that there is now a new "longest piss by a bear" record. (email@example.com) Do bears piss in the woods?
In response legislation was passed prohibiting the sale of alcoholic beverages to a bear, enhancing the crime of drunk in public when committed by a bear, and lowering the legal B.A.C. level for bears to 0.02 when under the age of 21. (firstname.lastname@example.org) That's just stupid... where's the bear gonna keep it's id huh? It's not like they have pockets.
The first dozen beers were too Cold... the next dozen beers were too Warm... but the third dozen beers were just Right. (email@example.com; MaislosMom@comcast.net)