(updated 31 Oct 05)

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My Kingdom for a Whore!
(Header propositioned by NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

LONDON, UK (BBC) -- Opening next year: "The London Academy of Sex & Relationships" Theme Park. It hopes to teach around 600,000 visitors a year how to become expert lovers. Exhibitions will include "Sexual Chemistry" & "Difficult to Discuss Problems". Director Dr. Sarah Brewer said issues would be covered in an exciting, amusing & yet educational way, & that titillation was not the goal.
(Topic by cantw82paint@aol.com)

(Sorry for the long interval, gang.... Wilma blew hard, but in all the wrong ways.... Oh, face it, this whole thing is gonna be R-17....)

Wow! A real gang-bang of smooth entries! Rock-hard to pull out the cream of the crop! Not easy, not by a long money-shot! I rise and give you the clap!

Why surf for porn? Get it all at "News You Can Muse" only on HumorMeOnline.com! (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com) Shamelessly pandering, yes, but all too true! ;)

The most popular ride? The "Matterhorny"... (lilfishjean@comcast.net)

Now that's "thinking outside the box" (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Please note the order of the adjectives 1) exciting 2) amusing & 3) educational. (seeker@vcoms.net) Sad, isn't it?

Didn't Henry VIII already show people how to deal with most of the relationship issues over there? (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

The theme park will also include Sex-Themed rides, such as a Bondage Coaster, where you are strapped in and let out when the Master or Mistress is bloody well finished with you. (thedraugr@yahoo.com; e-marlon@sio.midco.net, & others riding REALLY hard)

Exit signs say "Come Again." (tphyll@aol.com) At least SOMEONE has an "exit strategy"!

Now, that sounds logical..sexual problems too embarrassing to discuss privately..so why not at a public theme park, in front of hundreds of visitors? (Airfarcewon@aol.com; tpanner@hotmail.com, other people-Hiters. Report 'em!)

While Dr. Brewer was reluctant to reveal the newest attractions, she did hint that there would be a 4-D movie on oral sex ... the 4th dimension having something to do with a gag reflex. (holtbolt@comcast.net)

London, what do they know about sex? It will probably be classes on how to hold your pinky right while "having relations" with your spouse. (nstn@statefarm.com; old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com, other mannerly celibates) Stiff, but in all the wrong ways. Like Roger Moore as James Bond? Please! All the macho sex appeal of Cindy Brady with chicken pox. The only GOOD Bonds were Scottish, Welsh, and Irish.

Finally, Brits can learn how to master their johnsons! (wedrixe@netscape.net)

Paying $100 to wait for two hours in a line only to realize you're the 45th guy to be in this "ride" today alone. Are we talking about an amusement park or Tijuana? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Not a single "Heavy-petting zoo" entry.... (he sighed, breathing heavily)

"Please, daddy, can I get my picture taken with the 'Vicky the Vagina'?" (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)

The stall games read "Hit one Ovum and win a Baby" (and you get 20,000,000 turns) (SSJskittle@gmail.com) Is that why your arm is usually so sore? ;)

The park has already received the blessing of Walt Disney for it's aptly named exhibit, "It's a Small World After All" Hall. (stan@squidworks.com; MrglsJon@aol.com & other minimalists)

However, the idea of "You Must Be This Long To Ride The Exhibit" signs were quickly scrapped due to the objection of hordes of unidentified males. (JOSQUARD@aol.com)

The Fairy Floss stand has met much controversy after being discovered that it is just a homo encouraging correct dental hygeine. (kyzka2@yahoo.com.au) OK, OK! The gay women got it last time & I let "lesbo" slide, it's only fair.... (BTW, "Fairy Floss" is cotton candy, LOL)

Oh, c'mon - I don't need that. Helga thinks I'm a perfectly great lover. Now if I can only find some tape to patch up the air leaks in her... (JOSQUARD@aol.com)

Obviously not a good place to meet men, none of them there know what they're doing in bed. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Married people have to ride the same ride over and over. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) "Grasshopper, your kama sutra is not good."

We call the same thing "Las Vegas." (jdcoops3@aol.com)

Officials also plan to tack on additional attractions, tentatively called Sodom Town and Gomorrahville. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

"My parents went to The London Academy of Sex and Relationship and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Blue. With some odd stains.

Tacos and hot dogs will be featured in the deli. (mashallaha@aol.com)

The Queen has been asked to "deflower" the park by cutting the red ribbon...and if that doesn't prick your attention...(old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

I heard that the erectile dysfunction ride is always breaking down. (richdiandkids@optonline.net) Hell, they never got it up and running.

Is it just me or does the thought of the "splash mountain" at this place fill you with nausea? (SSJskittle@gmail.com)

Featured topic: 'Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask...Your Children'! (maxcel200@aol.com)

Co-Honorable Mentions - These guys can spread it, and spread it on thick:

Why do I get this nagging feeling that if - and I hasten to emphasize IF - I wanted to learn to be a better lover, there might just be someplace, say perhaps Mongolia or Tierra del Fuego, that I would possibly consider before...England?! UUGGGHHHH!!! ("Oh, my dear Maggie. Allow me to slather you in chopped toad so I can lick it off your bum!") (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Oh My! The Sexual Chemistry exhibit showed all kinds of liquids and creams that you dipped or smeared on the loaded Trojan Horse. That's rather kinky, don't you think? (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Runner-Up - He'll lock you down and rise like stone:

Yeah, I got your "Tower of London" right here. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

The Co-Winners...

If Michael Jackson can build Neverland, is it wrong for Bill Clinton to build his theme park? (kyzka2@yahoo.com.au; rtlangseth@hotmail.com)