(updated 3 Dec 04)
Hosted by Slyph
Well, Slyph is going to take a little hiatus so he can attend to personal things...in the interim period, Bucko has graciously agreed to fill in.
GREENSBURG, La. -- These eager beavers had a whole new slant on money laundering. A bag of bills stolen from a casino was snapped up by beavers, who tore it open and wove thousands of dollars in soggy currency into the sticks and brush of their dam on a creek near Baton Rouge.
(Topic suggested by firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
Educational section: I swear, I thought EVERYONE knew that "beaver" is a euphemism for female genitalia. Evidently, it isn't spread wide enough. However, whatever was funny got picked. Please note that there was a lot of similarity in some of the entries; I gave double credit or picked what I thought was the best. Any hate mail may be sent to The Stumbling Chef. Imagine his surprise!
Well...leave it to beaver! (also:Lost Episode: Investing in Real Estate). firstname.lastname@example.org; MindgameFiziks@hotmail.com, and a TON of others). Yeah, yeah...
Where's the innuendo in that? Now if they were gerbils, they might be innuendo... (HerzogVon@aol.com) Someone want to explain it to him? Herzog, easy to see where YOU'RE headed!
The follow up news heading read, "They Found The Dam Money!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
I don't see the big deal... Lots of people have wasted money on beavers. (email@example.com) Ah, the voice of experience...
At least they used it for home improvements. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)
That is so weird.The beavers at the local strip club do the same thing (firstname.lastname@example.org) Wouldn't they dam the cash up-- never mind!
Let me get this right, some beaver finds the money you had hidden away for gambling and spends it redecorating the house and you call this Strange?. (email@example.com)
When interviewed, the head beaver tried to give a statement....but.....HE'S A BEAVER therefore we have no idea what he said. (firstname.lastname@example.org) This week's winner of the "Totally Missed the Point" Award.
Beaver lovers,listen up! Those eager beavers all want the same thing, a very expensive house built on waterfront property! (email@example.com)
They must have been blonde beavers (firstname.lastname@example.org) OK! A double!
I believe the proper term for the beavers' taking the money bag is "snatch" not "snap!" (email@example.com) Yeah, but didn't they have to gash the bag open first?
The money was not stolen! This was just taken out of context when the casino owner stated to his wife, "Let me bayou something to spruce up the home." (firstname.lastname@example.org) Only because you smoothed "bayou" in there.
Thus proving the adage, "Beaver is nice, but it's expensive." (email@example.com)
After the money was removed, Halliburton received a 8 Billion dollar no-bid contract to rebuild the dam. The Baton Rouge Historical Reclamation Project is expected to be completed in the Spring of 2009. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Guys? This is supposed to be a humor contest, not somewhere to suggest things that are likely to happen.
Gotta hand it to them, I would've wasted the money, and here they are putting it into real estate. Proof how smart beavers are! (DaJakAiss@aol.com, DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
Well, its not the rat pack, but these characters are more interesting than Clooney and company. Oceans 13, coming soon to a theater near you. (JoyfulDJoy@aol.com) AAAGH! WHY did you have to say that?
The last time I got ahold of a beaver my money was gone too....DAMN! (email@example.com) Leave your wallet in the car next time, dude.
Money wasting beavers in Louisiana? I thought they were all with the Hiltons. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
"Hey Eddie, you've got a buck in your teeth" (email@example.com)
The "Totally Bizarre Left Field Award" goes this week to:
An anonymous CIA source accused the beavers of engaging in subtle psychological warfare, attempting to continually undermine our culture via the metric system, Celsius and Alex Trebek. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Don't you mean "into the sticks and BUSH of their dam on a CRACK" near Baton Rouge?" (email@example.com) Ah, now we're probing closer....
I refuse to lower my dignity by coming up with a cheap and tawdry 'beaver' caption here. Besides I heard it was actually a 'pussy' that 'snatched' the booty! (firstname.lastname@example.org) A triple! Hot damn!
Beavers, huh?... IS THAT ALL WE ARE TO YOU? (email@example.com) I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may keep me from getting my beaver quota.
In a related story, the affected casino is going ahead with its new "Catch Beaver Fever!" promotional program. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Two of the three Beavers fell victim to unusual deaths; one was shot through the eye while getting his weekly massage. The second was run down on his way to a PETA rally. The third is in seclusion and is rumored to be under Federal Protection. (email@example.com) I couldn't refuse to post this one.
AND THE "SPLIT" WINNERS:
Beavers snatch clams, film at eleven. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Along with the domestic drama:
Mrs. Beaver, "Once again I'm doing all the work. Now tell me, which bill looks best here?" Mr. Beaver, "Franklin, my dear, ... and I don't gild a dam." (email@example.com)