(updated 3 May 05)

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Now, in the Self-Cervix Department...
(Header inserted by maxcel200@aol.com)

TRENTON, NJ (AP) -- The Today Sponge contraceptive will soon be back in U.S. stores after a decade's absence. The FDA approved sales of the once-popular nonprescription birth control product for women. The original manufacturer stopped making it rather than upgrade its facility. The withdrawal sparked an hilarious sendoff on "Seinfeld." The character of Elaine Benes scoured pharmacies until she found a case of the items, & stretched her supply by setting "spongeworthy" standards for prospective lovers.
(Topic suggested by old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

This Round's Shamelessly Sycophantic Entry:

Probably the only thing on the planet more absorbing than HMO (maxcel200@aol.com)

Sorry, gang, the "SpongeBob" entries all got squeezed out.

Now Elaine can go back to being the total slut that she was. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

Next you'll be seeing them in the little vending machines in the womens rest rooms next to the condom machines. (watch4whales@yahoo.com) Yeah? What ELSE is in those things? It's, uh, for a book report.

They may be worn by women, but eliminating the necessity for a condom definitely makes this a contraceptive FOR MEN. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Sponge-worthy: Matthew Broderick, Will Smith & Don Henley. Ix-nay: Kobe Bryant, John Ashcroft & Macauley Culkin. (seeker@vcoms.net)

For some women ten years without the Sponge was a hard pill to swallow. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Finally! I'll be getting a case myself, they're the only things that really get my dishes sparkling clean! (Kamasushi@gmail.com) So how do you get them in contact with one another?

If the factory was in Trenton, the only way to upgrade it would have been to tear it down and relocate. (BWillisThompson@earthlink.net)

The Today Sponge is popular because it prevents the Tomorrow Unwanted Pregnancy, the Soon Enough Annoying Brat and the Eventual Leeching College Grad. (comedian2000@hotmail.com)

Well, I certainly hope they've gotten rid of the soapy aftertaste. (muck55@aol.com)

Another nice thing about it...sponges swell up when wet, so she may not even have a need for the prospective lover.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Of course nowadays there are a lot more endorsement deals in the works, so be prepared to see: The Today Show Sponge...the only sponge that can "put the perky" back into Katie Couric. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com; HerzogVon@aol.com, some other "early risers") Oh, hell, another Katie Couric "video adventure."

Many women copied Elaine's (Seinfeld show) plan to stretch their sponge supply. 99% of those who answered the subsequent poll still had a full case of sponges after 9 years of waiting for a "spongeworthy" lover. (It's foreplay dammit; it's foreplay!) (patbruns@hickorytech.net,ParisLuvsMe@aol.com and my sympathies)

In a related development, Anal-ease and Dixie Cup stocks fell dramatically. (jbray4@adelphia.net)

Finally...no more wet spot. (jbray4@adelphia.net)

Darn...poking holes in the prophylactics at the stores is almost POINTLESS now, wouldn't you agree? (paracletus3@earthlink.net) Nah. Keep pricking!

I remember those damn things. Almost swallowed one once. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

I was never deemed "Spongeworthy" I always had to "Hand" wash. (richdiandkids@optonline.net; Cantw82paint@aol.com)

They also make a sponge that is designed to facilitate post-anal sex clean-up. It's called the "Absorber the Greek" sponge. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com) Heinous!

Co-Honorable Mentions - 'Cause sometimes, ya gotta be tough:

Soon to be followed by the Brillo Pad contraceptive, for those hard to find sperm. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

Seinfeld? Wow. Did they have a "Sponge Nazi" who said "No sponge for you!" or maybe "No spooge for you!"? (noncomposmentiss@aol.com; paracletus3@earthlink.net)

Runner-Up - Although it really doesn't hold water:

In other news tonight, a whole colony of small sea sponges apppears to have committed mass suicide after the "Today Sponge Contraceptive" Company announced that they would begin harvesting the sponges for use as a birth control device. The only clue to this bizarre mystery was a note reading, "There are some things even a sponge should not have to do." (agapeagent@yahoo.com)

The Co-Winners - First the stretch, then the retch:

Wow, now my wife can mop up the spills on the floor while practicing the splits from that dumb dancing school. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM; Skibip@aol.com)

Britney Spears tried using them but they kept falling out. They did remove alot of the graffiti however. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)