(updated 3 Oct 05)

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Scooby: "Death Wish"
(Header insisted upon by razcactus@netzero.com)

ORLANDO, Florida -- Vacationing prison guard Eddie Bronson assaulted Scooby Doo at Universal Studios theme park. Witnesses said the man maliciously beat the character for no apparent reason; the actor inside suffered head injuries. It was supposed to be just a photo with Scooby Doo, Shaggy and Bronson's daughter.
(Topic suggested by that dog, Kamasushi@gmail.com)

OK, let's get it over with:

In a later interview, witnesses claim that Bronson screamed "If it weren't for you meddling kids...!" right before he attacked. (nstn@statefarm.com, wedrixe@netscape.net and a TON of you kids who didn't get away with it) I have to admire the optimism of the fifty other people who were SURE nobody else would think of that.

No reason? The freak was humping his leg! (strontium901@juno.com, pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

Velma later showed that Bronson was really caretaker Jenkins wearing a mask, scaring people so that he had more time in finding the lost gold mine ride. (kyzk2@yahoo.com.au, NonComposMentiss@aol.com & other phantoms) This one, too. Cripes....

This might have been the one guy who saw the movie.. (Airfarcewon@aol.com, dorr@jam.rr.com & several others whose kids forced 'em)

People on meth shouldn't take their kids to theme parks. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com, jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

Then out of nowhere came the words..."SCRAPPY POWER!!!" (kyzk2@yahoo.com.au, Saxonraerae@aol.com & a couple of other misguided sCRAPpyheads) As much as it pains me that I know.... it was actually "Puppy power!"

Turned out to be just another one of those Bronson 'Death Wish' filmings at Universal Studios. (maxcel200@aol.com, shep@peoplepc.com & a lot of other punks just asking for it)

Bronson, the villian, was later caught by Scooby Doo, who accidentally glued himself to a pair of rollerskates and flew rings around him with a ball of twine. (kyzk2@yahoo.com.au)

OK.... what about all the OTHER years?:

Apparently, Scooby refused to stand behind the yellow line. (Someday I'm going to get a copy of my 1969 mugshot and put it up on the Obligatory Photo thread.) (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Bronson later said "All I heard was "Hey rittle girry, want a Scooby-snack, hee hee hee hee hee hee!" and I saw him grabbing his crotch...thats the last thing I remember." (nstn@statefarm.com, tpanner@hotmail.com, other beastie-feasties)

Wouldn't calling the guy inside the Scooby Doo costume an "actor" be like calling me a "writer"? (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)

OK, here's my theory: Freddie HAD to be gay, since he never even made a move on Daphne; Daphne was a bitch & a rooster tease, never wore underwear, yet wouldn't put out for anybody; Velma was bisexual, but socially inept with both sexes; Scooby was getting "Shaggied" every five minutes. Geez, what a sick show.

Turns out the man was Scooby and Shaggy's marijuana supplier. The two hapless amateur detectives had been bogarting on payment for their last nickel bag.... (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

The park's security personnel failed to recognize the man, who had a prior conviction for molesting Josie and the Pussycats. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)

"Things really got nasty as Bronson took a bar of soap out of his pocket, dropped it in front of the 'Shaggy' actor, and told him to 'bend over to pick it up'..." (cmndrnineveh@aol.com, skibip@aol.com, other prison "screws")

Apparantly 'Scooby Snacks' aren't supposed to include young girls. (L1061S@go.com) Aw, c'mon! It's HOT in that suit! Throw the poor employee a bone(r)!

Seeing as how the actor suffered head injuries, psycho Bronson must have been punching at Scooby's neck! (All the better to make him swallow that Rolex, I suppose.) (HerzogVon@aol.com)

It all started when Scooby tried to sniff Eddie's ass... (rod.renner@juno.com)

I hope you're happy, I have to get on a plane in a couple hours and now I can't get that damned theme song out of my head. And with my luck, the in-flight movie will be Scooby Doo. (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) Heh heh! You just made my day!

Because the children who were present at the time were traumatized enough, the park decided not to reveal that Scooby was actually a costumed person and humanely put him to sleep. (razcactus@netzero.com)

Well, shoot, due to the skyrocketing costs of admission to the parks, it seems only fair that we should get to beat a beloved character in front of the kids; makes it a fun day for the adults too. (Kamasushi@gmail.com) That seems reasonable.... I'm headed to Disne- uh, Universal!

The guard later confessed he did have a reason for the assault. Scooby and the gang had originally arrested his dad, The "Douchebag Monster," when he had terrorized Wet'n'Wilds "Giant Toilet Bowl." (Bodine6067@cs.com)

Honorable Mention - Looks like a copy-cat crime (Uh, I guess copy-DOG):

"I'm sorry," said Mr. Bronson, "I thought he was Goofy." (NonComposMentiss@aol.com, tainsam@aol.com)

Runner-up - It's INCREDIBLE that they actually found a way to "dumb down" that stupid show:

Bronson apologized, saying "I thought it was Scrappy...that little f***er ruined the show". (jnmcda0@yahoo.com, manpretty@gmail.com)

The Winner - "Our holy quest has only begun, Sancho":

Bronson was overheard saying, "Now, where's that [expletive] annoying Jetson dog?" (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)