(updated 6 Jan 05)

Hosted by Slyph

Well, Slyph is going to take a little hiatus so he can attend to personal things...in the interim period, Bucko has graciously agreed to fill in.

MAY I PLEASE HAVE THE NEXT TRANCE?
(Header stolen with no remorse whatsoever from entry by AirFarceWon@aol.com)

EL DORADO HILLS, CA (Wireless Flash) -- "Wake up America," the largest mass hypnosis event ever, is January 8 and will try to fulfill 20,000 people's New Year's resolutions by putting them to sleep. Event organizer Wendi Friesen says they "...figure the zombie-like trance may break their bad habits where other techniques have failed," including bringing back the sizzle to unsatisified couples' sex lives.
(Topic suggested by Kazeway@aol.com)

This Week's Ritual Abuse:

Nothing quite original and abusive enough. I guess.... I guess not enough of you took the time to crush my self-esteem. That really crushes my self-esteem.... (sob!)

The "You Knew It Was Coming" Entry:

Actually, the largest mass hypnosis event ever took place this past Election Day, when 60 million people in zombie-like trances re-elected George Bush. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com; Tygrkhat40@yahoo.com; MANY others)

I tried the home version of that with a sledge hammer...I probably got better results than Ms. Friesen ever will! (paracletus3@aol.com) And it explains SO much.

I plan to go in hopes to break my addiction to online comedy websites. (atwright73@yahoo.com)

"You will mow the lawn...you will pick up your underwear off the floor...you will put down the toilet seat..." Somehow I sense a new reality show in the making. (ThomasKincaid@carnivalcruises.com)

They will all waken saying "Hillary is great for 2008!" Hey, isn't this how Kerry got started? (dorr@jam.rr.com) No... Kerry never GOT started. Obviously.

Heh heh.....the "Wake up" is just the come on. Go to sleep free. Waking up will cost you a hundred bucks. (skibip@aol.com)

And when I wake up, my in-laws will have disappeared?? REALLY??? NO kiddin' -- Dang!! (mlynnd1972@aol.com)

Wendy plans on putting everyone to sleep by re-playing the 2004 Tony Awards show on the big screen. (SPTirish@aol.com) As an actor, that really hurts. Sadly, I can't argue with it.

The "That's Show Biz" Section:

Carried live on the WB. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Only 20,000 ??? Obviously they didn't see "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve" hosted by Regis Philbin." I'm talkin' millions of people! And they will all still have the bad habit of watching again, the following year. (l1061s@go.com; AirFarceWon@aol.com) Get well soon, Mr. Clark.... it just ain't New Year's without our Dick.

In other words, it's the Dr. Phil show without commercials. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

Hasn't Pat Robertson been getting donations for years using this same technique? (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

This will eclipse the record of 500 put to sleep at a Garrison Keillor book reading. (jaynashvil@aol.com) Hey! Don't you be messin' with my "Prairie Home Companion!" (Don't ask & I won't tell).

Snoop Dog replied simply with a "fer shizzle dat nizzle you bizzle nizzle sizzle wizzle... (breathe)... jizzle rizzle pizzle gizzle lizzle." (Either him, or Little Oscar Mayer). (timamod@aol.com; HerzogVon@aol.com)

And.... (you knew it was "coming"), The Sextion:

That's just great!!! My sex life never HAD any sizzle. (MindgameFiziks@hotmail.com; FishJean@sonic.net; several unfortunate others)

Wait a minute! The Zombie-like trance is what took the sizzle OUT of my sex life. (pooks49@yahoo.com; GambleandBluff@aol.com) Yeah, similar. But THIS one hinted of necrophilia, and, well....

OR:

Hell, I'd pay good money to have my husband hypnotized so he'd forget about any type of sexual sizzle. (PeasOnRth@aol.com)

You are getting horny... very horny... Oh $&!%, I meant SLEEPY! SLEEPY! Mr. Jacobsen, you're supposed to be here to STOP that kind of behavior! (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com; Gerrihan65@aol.com) You too, Pee Wee!

I think this would have a lot more success bringing back the sizzle in sex lives if it were organized by Heidi Fleiss instead of Wendi Friesen. (SexieSadie@hotmail.com)

I had my dog put to sleep...didn't help his sex life at all. (noncomposmentiss@aol.com) And.... you tested this to be sure?

So let me get this straight: We are going to have 20,000 people in a "zombie-like trance" f*!#ing each others brains out. I suppose then they eat them? (internut36@hotmail.com; jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

Hummmmm.....wonder if that will jolt my ex into staying awake during love making. (WJKbase@aol.com) I think we all want to know why you're interested if your EX stays awake.

Just couldn't choose between:

Let me tell ya... if you've never tried zombie sex, you just haven't lived. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

and:

Zombie-like trance and sexual sizzle? They should call it "Night of the Giving Head." (noncomposmentiss@aol.com)

Special Mention for a Faboo Entry That Few Will Get (Well, the guy IS a little obscure....):

Spencer Tunik will be on hand to photograph them right after they remove their clothes as the first part of the hypnosis... (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Google him!

The Runner-Up.... This one wasn't short on imagination:

Anybody not getting Sleepy will get Doc instead. (This whole thing is kind of Dopey, even for somebody who doesn't feel Grumpy.) (TPHYLL@aol.com)

And the Winner.... Here's a woman who's a really slick planner:

Oh, goodie! It's in California! I'm going and bringing the Crisco! (Cantw82paint@aol.com)