(updated 7 Apr 05)

Hosted by Bucko

It's Two, Two, Two Breasts in One!
(Header suggested by amfpsych@aol.com & richdiandkids@optonline.net. Nice pair, gang!)

NIPPON (BBC News) -- The B2Up Co. says their new chewing gum can help enhance the size, shape & tone of breasts, and has proved to be a big hit in Japan. Rose-flavored "Bust-Up Gum" supposedly can also improve circulation, reduce stress and fight aging. It cites tests carried out by Thailand's Chulalongkorn University which found Pueraria mirifica (the plant containing the active ingredient) therapy was able to enhance breast size by 80%.
(Topic suggested by AuntShecky711@aol.com)

You realize, of course, that this gum will be strictly a "top shelf" item... (cmndrnineveh@aol.com) You mean "rack."

Damn another thing I am going to be spammed with. Breast enhancement gum. (internut36@hotmail.com)

While the breast augmentation research is disputed, the university's accounting department DID find indisputable evidence that this gum was able to enhance B2Up Co. profits by 8000%. (stan@squidworks.com)

When asked about the story, at Tyson Chicken spokesman left in a huff, gruffly remarking, "Chickens cannot chew gum." (JOSQUARD@aol.com) Of course not. Everyone knows they're pumped more full of steroids than Mark McGwire. (BTW - Frank Perdue died on April 1st, no fooling! The chickens are all choked. Up)

I'm just wondering how many pieces of gum my wife can fit in her mouth at one time... (rockitower@aol.com)

Oh great now instead of getting spiked with the date rape drug I am going to be offered gum all night. (internut36@hotmail.com) Gang? We gotta go beat up a bunch of Australian guys....

Inevitably, the gum's padding holds consumer warnings:

The instructions on the wrapper actually say: 1 stick will enhance breast size by 1%, so chew 80 sticks of gum to make it pliable, then have the surgeon implant the glob. (rod.renner@juno.com; jnmcda0@yahoo.com)

Side-effects may include obnoxious giggling, random hair growth, spontaneous lactating, and in rare cases nipples forming on knee-caps. (jbray4@adelphia.net) You say that like it's a bad thing.

Just don't swallow it or your ass gets huge. (Truckerex@insightbb.com) Also:

They also reccomend not to swallow it...you'll be doing enough of that when men start to take interest in you... (leafs_fan02@hotmail.com)

Nip pon this. They forgot to tell you if you smoke it causes Mammaryianosos,(Slow Deflation faster than the yen.) Just check the Thais one more time. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

Richard Simmons has an order in. (bjjtoff@tds.net) Dammit, that was TOTALLY unnecessary! Funny, yes, but my flesh just made it out the door....

Side effects of the gum include anxiety, increased blood pressure and cholesterol levels, skin wrinkling and deterioration, as well as possible breast shrinkage for women who are, could be, are able to be, or have been pregnant. (noveed@yahoo.com)

Now if they can find an ingredient that can stop them from divorcing servicemen so fast.... (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) You're STILL bitter? Geez....

Oddly enough I have found that any women chewingmalongkorn already has enhanced breasts (aka pa paira mangifica.) (pooks49@yahoo.com; Herzogvon@aol.com)

Hello, my name is Bambi, and I'm a chewing gum addict.... (http://www.humormeonline.com/archives/photolaughs/photolaughs_29Aug04.html) (spamalope@acces4less.net)

Have you ever seen a Thai woman? 80% larger than nuthin is still nuthin! (skibip@aol.com) A real "zero-sum-gum" situation.

Oh! That's going to be huuuuuuge in prison. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

I got some of that crap stuck on my shoe and now i have a size 36C right foot. (muck55@aol.com)

Chulalongkorn? that sounds like a breakfast cereal (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Hey, keep it quiet! My wife is already wondering why her "Doublemint" has a funny taste. (tpanner@inorbit.com) And have YOU noticed that the "raisins" in your raisin bran are BLUE?

I grabbed a couple of sticks of that gum off my wife's dressing table. Now I'm stuck with a $2000 liposuction bill for my man boobs. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

The Literary Section:

To crudely paraphrase Robert Browning: Chualong with me / The bust is yet to be. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Pueraria mirifica makes Pudendia Magnifica....(Caveat emptorica!) (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

"B2Up"'s name sounds more like a male enhancement company than for females. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) Breast enhancement for women IS a product for males. Idiot!

Comes in two flavors: desperate and low self-esteem. (razcactus@netzero.com)

I will now be travelling to Japan to buy cases of this stuff to wrap around my pecker when I get back. (Eleman8859@aol.com)

I tried it and although my breasts are bigger, I'm stress free and younger looking....all of my teeth fell out due to all the gum chewing. Have anything to fix that? (HDHulse@yahoo.com) Hey, being toothless might make you even MORE popular! (OK, that was inexcusable. So please excuse me.)

Runner-up - Aww, Daph.... you're perfect the way you are! :)

Looks like I'm getting a passport... (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

And the Winner - Gum giveth, and gum taketh away:

Men, hoping for similar results on their members were sorely disappointed when they experienced 80% increase in ball size, making their johnson look like a toothpick. (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com)