(Header laid on thick by TvOrNotTv1@aol.com)
Buffalo NY (Bee News) -- A boyfriend was threatening his girlfriend, and told her he would cover her car in peanut butter and jelly if she continued to speak to her ex-boyfriend. In an effort to calm the boy down, officers said they would charge him with unlawful use of a condiment with intent to smother. As a result, he was committed to Erie County Medical Center.
(Topic spread by firstname.lastname@example.org)
The police also found sodium chloride on the boyfriend and charged him with intent to asalt! (email@example.com)
The boy's attorney claimed he was just trying to cure her yeast infection. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The boy did eventually calm down and he realized that it would be much more sensible, and cost effective just to slash her tires. (email@example.com) It was a perfectly good rationale, EXCEPT: Turns out the tires AND her breast implants were made by Goodyear, and he WAS pretty agitated, and well....
Idiot...he should have showered her with 'bread', not PB&J. That woulda kept her around longer! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
As he was being led away by police, the lad, an ex-con(diment) was heard to mutter, "Next time I'm going to pickle Lilly!" [You think this guilding the Lilly?] (Or, as a SAG member - I would guess - might it belittling the guild?) (HerzogVon@aol.com)
NY hot dog vendors are sweating bullets. (email@example.com) At least they were able to use the sweat, by dumping it into the hot dog boiler.
Thank God that obscure 1879 law penned to deter the use of pickle relish as a weapon was on the books! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
He should have dressed up as a bird and crapped on her car- I've never seen ONE of them get put away. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com)
Well, covering her car in peanut butter and jelly is a lot more civilized than donkey-punching her and giving her a Dirty Sanchez. (email@example.com) Except in New Jersey, where that's the official State Wedding Ceremony.
While the cops were busy with this crap, somebody broke into my house and now my dog is pregnant. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
He orginally threatened her with buffalo semen, but his supply had run low because of an accident on the turnpike. Although, being from Buffalo, he could use his own and it would still count.... (email@example.com) Do you touch your mother with the fingers that typed that?
Hey, if he covers me with peanut butter and Jelly, and then decides to lick it off and then, and then.....ooooooohhhhh!!!! (Skibip@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org, other "sandwich eating specialists")
A law against unlawful use of a condiment? I'm bringing a civil suit against Fuddruckers. (email@example.com)
Meanwhile, the ex-boyfriend slathered the girl with mayonnaise and sandwiched his salami between her pumpernickels while she yelled "My Hero!" (NonComposMentiss@aol.com) And THEN came out his "Miracle Whip"....
On the other hand, he could have threatened to cover her car with garlic. So who's really nuts here? (WJKbase@aol.com)
Sadly, the boy later committed suicide by cop when he pulled out a squeeze bottle of ketchup. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Officers failed to understand the latest teen lingo. Everyone knows that "car" means her front bum, and "peanut butter" is sperm. And "jelly"...well, that's just kinky. (email@example.com) I asked some teens about this. They all said you're a wishful-thinking "mustardbator"
Police said the case was compromised when Kirstie Alley ate all the evidence. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
He has taken to wearing a bannaba suit and to this day his only words have been, "peanutbutterjelly, peanutbutterjelly, peanutbutterjelly with a baseball bat". (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) "Family Guy" ROCKS!!
Fortunately for the boyfriend he did not threaten to use Fluffernutter which is considered a felony in most states. (NonComposMentiss@aol.com; L1061S@go.com)
While in the mental ward the boy had all the peanut butter and jelly, and bottles of ketchup and mustard, and time to masturbate that he could get his hands on, and later went on to create works of art to rival the great Abstract Expressionist Jackson Pollock. Some say his work is best appreciated when viewed with a crime scene black light. (email@example.com)
Co-Honorable Mentions - Desperate to "preserves" their sales:
Inspired by his threats, Japan based Toyota has decided to come out with the brand new "Hello-Kitty-Yummy-Tummy-Jelly-Mobile" as their featured automobile for 2006. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The young man's creative idea was not in vain, however, as in related news, Ford and Smuckers have announced that they have joined forces to create the "Ford PB and J-150" truck. Have you eaten a Ford, lately? (email@example.com)
Runner-Up - Von has clearly crossed the sanity "Barrie-er":
"As a result, he was committed to Erie County Medical Center." There, he was diagnosed as suffering from "Peter Pan Syndrome"...and "clapped" in irons. (Believe it, or not!)[Just took a Whiz and, though back in a Jiffy, can't remember if I sent this or not.] (HerzogVon@aol.com)
The Winner - If only he'd had just a little more foreskin sight:
Apparently he had forgotten not only that she drove a Hummer, but he would never get one again. (firstname.lastname@example.org)