Pay Up, Bastards!
(I was terrified NOT to pick this header from email@example.com)
NEEDHAM, Mass. - (BUSINESS WIRE) -- A new research analysis reveals that today's 5.4 million stay-at-home moms would earn $131,471 in annual salary, including overtime pay, if paid in cash. Mom's job description, ranked in order from most time-consuming to least: Daycare Center Teacher; Van Driver; Housekeeper; Cook; CEO; Nurse; and General Maintenance Worker (based on a 100-hour work week).
(Topic suggested by firstname.lastname@example.org)
Oh, just shut up and bring me my beer. I had a long day. (email@example.com)
Bucko had a rotten day, too, but I ain't slacking off the update. With all the clever entries, it's RAllapalooza!
Notice they didn't give them anything for sex...cause once you have kids, forget it. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Only 100 hours of work a week? Slackers! (email@example.com)
How much, if they were origamists? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Who commissions these studies, anyway? Let me guess; women seeking to squeeze more alimony out of their ex's. (No, I wouldn't know.) (HerzogVon@aol.com) Then why are you in the Nitwitness Protection Program?
Well, I can't afford to pay that kind of salary, so I'll just have to lay my wife off... (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
The research also revealed that 1 out of 10 moms actually earns $200,000 in annual salary as an "exotic dancer" regardless of their marital status. (email@example.com)
Paid in cash? I've only ever been paid in sex...and dammit, I could use a raise. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com) That could be taken as dirty.... all right!
The Economic Dumpster Section:
Upon hearing this, the Bush administration decided that Social Security could be saved by also assessing FICA tax on stay-at-home moms' hypothetical income. Of course, most of this revenue will simply cover another tax cut for the CEO's. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Of course, this number only applies if your mother is a man. If your mother is a woman, she would only be paid 75% of the $131,471. (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org & other corporate sycophants)
Even though I keep hearing strains of "She Works Hard For The Money", that song was actually written about hookers...funny how THAT profession wasn't ranked! (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org & a lot of other Johns)
This research was commissioned by the IRS which has just issued new regulations that require every stay-at-home mom to report this figure as her imputed income on her 2005 Form 1040. (email@example.com) Anyone who knows what 'imputed income' is should not be trusted alone with your Sasquatch.
And that's $131,000 and change divided by all 5.4 million of us -- right? (KAYLADYKAY@AOL.COM)
They'll be outsourcing that job pretty soon. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Whining Testosterzone:
Yeah, yeah, yeah...and I can expect to get paid as Comedy Writer, Couch Tester, Beer Taster and Psychiatric Counsellor to the wife. Dream on, ladies! (HerzogVon@aol.com)
They left out Make-up Artist, TV Viewer, Couch Tester, Gossip Specialist, Clothes shopper, and husband nagger... Oh, and Money Magician (She makes it disappear...) (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
They left out some jobs, i.e.: Nag, Mind Reader, Tragical Actress, Time Keeper, Remote Control Controller, Back Seat Driver, Headache Diplomat and Private Eye. Last, but not least, Homebred District Attorney. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)
A related study revealed that 3.7 million stay at home dads would earn $457 in annual salary in the following job descriptions: beer tester, armchair sports analyst, porno website inspector and human junk food disposer. (email@example.com)
You left out Soap Opera Evaluator for AC Nielsen. But then, that's voluntary, right? (I'm just glad Cad doesn't judge this one, hee, hee!) (HerzogVon@aol.com; firstname.lastname@example.org) Nah, I keep Cad's damn hands off NYCM ;)
Thanks a lot for this news. I showed it to my husband. The next day he said he had an important meeting. Later I got the following telegram. "Your making more money than I. Good luck with your new found wealth." He never graduated from Gramer School. I am talking to my lawyer about you guys. HOM- "Home Oust Mom " (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)
The pay would have been more had "lover" not been outsourced to that young, huge-breasted blonde. (email@example.com)
This is sort of a silly, isn't it? Sort of like that phantom female orgasm. (firstname.lastname@example.org) If you're expecting the rest of the guys to prevent your impending death at the hands of all the women, forget it. Just like the following three:
She'd be worth it, too, if only she'd follow instructions from her husband. (email@example.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)
Male spouses had an average 105-hour workweek IN THE HOUSE. Strangely, the only category they were rated in was as secretarial, having to LISTEN to their female spouse's recounting of how bad a 'job' it was! (firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com)
True, but, they would only clear about $71 after you deducted for each time they stick their 2 cents in where it doesn't belong. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Nice knowing you gents...
$131K for a day care teacher? Boy, I must be in the wrong union. (email@example.com)
Interestingly enough, stay-at-home Dads who DRESSED as stay-at-home Moms earned twice as much. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Oh, and I suppose the fact that she gets ME as an employee benefit means nothing? (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com; email@example.com) My sympathies to you both, as your wives just died laughing.
C'mon....a little time management and we're talkin' 98 hour week. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Scientists also say that it all evens out, since, if actually paid, most moms would then turn around and lose the dough in Vegas. (email@example.com)
Moms deserve that kind of pay just for being the baby shit cleaner-upper. Damn, diapers are nasty business. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Does that include income from the MILF websites? (email@example.com) That was YOUR wif-- ahem, I have no idea what you're talking about.
After hearing this news, Britney Spears decided to quit motherhood and go back to making bad music again. It pays better. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I'll be buying myself a case of those sponges, because I'm really getting screwed. (email@example.com)
Honorable Mention - Gentlemen, roll your saving throw. Only a natural 20 is gonna do it:
What? No Dungeon Master pay? Apparently they didn't research MY house. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com)
Co-Runners-Up - Equal time is only fair:
The question is: would the bank cash a paycheck with spit-up stains and a fruit loop stuck to it? (AuntShecky711@aol.com) It's even worse after her kids handle it.
Set that story to soft violin music, and have it read by Oprah, but hurry, I have to get to work at a regular job for assbags that are a lot less appreciative for what I do than my family. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)
The Winner - The old quality/quantity dilemma; why can't we have BOTH?:
As expected, "Sex Kitten", while being the highest paid, did not crack the top ten as far as "time consuming." (firstname.lastname@example.org)