But first, as a Texan who bleeds orange, I'll indulge myself...
There once was a Rose Bowl that was so good
Played by mostly guys from the hood
The boys from Troy were great
But as they found out too late
No trojan was big enough for Vince's wood.
SPORTS? Makes me sick, really fast
As a kid, even girls kicked my ass
Every recess, it seems
When the captains chose teams
I was the kid they picked last.
It's pure marketing genius, or pretty darn near,
That professional sports run the entire year.
Wives like widows may feel
But man, what a deal
For the merchants providing the beer!
There once was a man who liked sports
Who sat in his chair in his shorts
He didn't leave his house
Until his angry old spouse
Killed him with cable, of course
A kid named Anquan El-Droory
Played hoops with a bit of tomfoolery
He was in a deep funk
'Cause it's hard to slam dunk
While wearing eighteen pounds of jewelry
Bocce, bocce balls
The slowness of it galls
With other sports whirling
Bocce comes off like curling
It's like watching paint dry on your walls!
Baseball's a sport that I love
Such achievement when the ball's hit far above
But football is brutal
The players bash on you till
You claim that you're not paid enough...
There was a young wrestler named Gelson
Who was always raising some hells'n
One day he shocked the crowd
By doing a move not allowed:
A daring Willie Half Nelson!
A New York Jets goalie named Brett
Wore a sports cup while tending the net
One day, forgot his protection
Puck hit him on a deflection
Now he sings soprano at the MET!
Call the guys. Turn the sound up a notch.
Figure skating is on. Time to watch.
See, guys can relate
'Cuz it's sure worth the wait
For their panties to ride up their crotch.
Make your golf game deliver the goods
Shift your aim from the can'ts to the coulds
Send the balls on their way
Straight down the fairway
Be a Tiger, but avoid the "Woods"
I used to prefer my Gamecube
Over watching sports on the tube
Since that halftime nip slip
All I do is channel flip
Looking for more prime time boob
Toward billiards I'm greatly inclined
But, at each game's ending I find
My opponent's good luck
Has just taken my buck,
And it's the eight ball, I'm usually behind
I love to play sports! I'm athletic,
So don't laugh in my face - so pathetic.
I'll get up off this couch
And we'll go play some....ouch!
I just hurt my damn back, call a medic!
At 50, bowling became a new calling
But my weight was oh so appalling
My big fingers stuck in the ball
I went flying in a fall
Really a case of middle age sprawling!
"For this game you are too damn short"
Said the coach in his scouting report
Though no one could blame
His love of the game
So they chucked him off the dwarf-tossing court
I admit I'm not a big fan of the brutality and competitive violence - and that's just the parents:
The competition so gruesomely sad
'Concussions' and 'tendinitis' so bad
'Rehabilitation' and 'defibrillation'
How could there be any elation
It was the toughest spelling bee I ever had!