(updated 18 Feb 06)

Hosted by Jankath

This will be the last Out On A Lim contest for a while...as you may or may not know, this slot is for our "Rotating Contest"...which means that every 3 months (give or take) we pop a whole new contest in for you to play. This installment is also Jankath's last, as she is terribly busy and has stepped down to attend to personal matters. We here at HMO wish her only the best of luck...and a sincere "thank you" for all the work she has done.

Automobile Repairs

It pisses me off, it's no joke
Mechanics, they just make me choke
They charge arm and limb
Now chances are dim
I can buy gas to get home, I'm broke!

My front end was tired and fried
In the shop it was jumping with pride.
I turned to Wally
And said, "Oh by golly!"
"Fix my shocks, but don't pimp my ride!"

I wasn't exactly enthralled,
Actually I'd even say quite galled.
I went to my auto mechanic,
What he said made me really panic:
"Lady, your chassis needs t'be overhauled"!

My car is such a big-debt-t'me
Pump prices, high-and-higher-t'be
Every time I fill up I feel screwed
Which only makes me conclude
My guzzler could use a gasectomy!

With my VW I used to ramble and roam
Till my repairman looked under its dome
He said this car should be shot
I replied "I think not"
I'll just put it in an old Volk's home!

I had a mechanic named Susie.
She seemed like she was a bit boozy.
So I asked about
And finally found out
All the fumes were just makin' her woozy.

Your Full Service station I could not pass
Because I'm just a poor helpless lass
So adjust my shocks, inspect my points
Check my valves and oil my joints
Then kindly give me... 5 cents worth of gas!

My wife had such a long face.
She told me for this, I must brace.
She wrecked the car behind her
Since I didn't remind her.
The "R" doesn't stand for 'Race'.

From auto repairs, I know nothing
I act smart, but really, I'm bluffing
The way that they treat me
'Cause I'm a girl, they try to cheat me
Makes me MAD, I wanna beat out their stuffing!

I'd been hearing bad sounds from my Yugo
So, off to the repair shop, I do go
When they lowered the rack
The cost blew me back
Harder than Hurricane Hugo!

There's a puddle of oil on the floor;
I've a jury-rigged driver's side door.
I maintain my jalopy
In a manner so sloppy
Not 'cause I'm dumb -- 'cause I'm poor!

Mechanics checked my ailing old car once
Their diagnosis made me feel like a real dunce
They billed me that night
And I saw a white light
I had an auto body experience!

Repairs for a Beamer will scare ya;
In fact, I double dog dare ya,
To search near or far
For a fix for that car
That costs less than a house in Bavaria

They used to make cars more like bricks.
Now they splinter like popsicle sticks.
If I bump it so tender
And just scratch a fender
It costs me $4000 to fix.

I drove over to visit my granny,
And suddenly blew out my tranny,
I spent much more on repair
Than my wallet could bear
And my landlord kicked me out on my fanny.

An engine with too many clicks
Brought to a shop for a quick fix --
Why are repair costs not rude
For a car-savvy dude
But a hundred bucks for the chicks?

I totaled my car the other day,
And heard the mechanic say.
Your steering wheel collapsed,
And your insurance has lapsed,
So now in advance I must pay.

The fan belt just constantly squeaks,
The interior horribly reeks,
The car is a bucket,
I really should chuck it,
But I still owe 10 grand on this heap.

A shady mechanic named Steven
Had his blonde female customer grievin'
He said, "Your floober was rusted,
And the doober was busted..
Just give me your Porsche and we're even."

My new Beemer sure brings out the stares.
People tell me they wish it was theirs.
But I don't drive it a lot
'Cus more often than not
It's stuck in the shop for repairs.

The winner:

Never saw that 18 wheeler
So they towed the car to the dealer.
"Not here!" cried the mechanic
With a sheer look of panic
"What you need is a licensed faith healer!"