I loved Hepburn in "The African Queen"
She was lovely and long and lean
But if she dumped my booze
Overboard in mid-cruise
That's the last time she would have been seen
While watching Jaws with my daughter
And seeing swimmers as lambs to the slaughter
I said, "What this teaches
Is you can go to the beaches
But stay the hell out of the water"
They went to the movies because
That's what, on weekends, one does.
She quickly departed
When he loudly farted
So Gone with the Wind, she was.
In black and white, everything's moody
The men were all dark and so broody
Then in comes the chick
And then real quick
They're all moaning, "Judy Judy Judy!"
Of the things I have grown to abhor
Ten best lists at the video store
Cause the most tension
Always failing to mention
All the classics that starred Pauly Shore
My son tells me I'm just an old fud,
'Cause I watch films from before the great flood.
True, I took things too far,
When instead of a car,
I bought him a snow sled named "Rosebud".
They don't make good films like they used to
Instead, what we are reduced to
Dumb sequels and lame crap
Based on old TV sap
Pay 10 bucks to see it? I refuse to.
The Movies that Hollywood's vending
I compare to hot beverages blending
Ones like "Casablanca"
Were coffee, not Sanka
Cause they'd keep us awake till the ending
Everybody see "Forbidden Planet"!
It has Nielsen, Leslie and Francis, Anne in it!
It's based on Shakespeare's "Tempest"
But that's not what I like best.
And I'd TALK about Francis, but you'd never print it!
King Kong was a great film, indeed
In Thirty Three, broke ground, took the lead
Then, remade in Seventy Six
Now one more's in the mix
Just how many King Kong's do we need?
Col. Jessup, the Marine with no couth
Saw his dentist when well past his youth
The Colonel went bipolar
When the doc yanked his molar
Jessup said, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH!"
Most folks thought the classics were grand,
But one guy thought they were bland.
"I bought all these,
I'll do as I please,"
Said Ted Turner, Crayola in hand.
One thing Ted Turner did that helped a lot
Adding color to the films dot by dot
Perhaps it's just me
I'd really like to see
Ted go back and add some color to the plot
A "classic" has no reason or rhymes-
'Cept being older than NBC's chimes.
You miss plot reversals
When it's cut up for commercials
And shown on TV fifty times.
In 'blanca it happens so quick,
The one part that makes me quite sick.
Ilsa Lund was a fox --
Gorgeous face, lovely locks.
Why didn't she end up with Rick?
Of all of the movies on reel,
There's only one that describes how I feel.
Though love scenes it lacks...
With humour it smacks,
Monty's Grail (and at $4.99 a STEAL!).
The grandfather clock in NYC
Hailed the cabbie he wanted to see
It approached our dark hero
And ticked off De Niro
Who said, "Are you tockin' to me?"
So much for mere visions of sugar plums (erase...erase):
From a story traditionally weepy
Snow White's tale got a bit creepy
When an outburst of shock
Came from a jealous Doc
'Cause she said she was just feelin' Sleepy