There was a story I once heard
Understandable; also absurd.
Turkey cooking advice
He thought would be nice;
Alas, she just flipped him the bird.
Grandma has always been quirky,
But lately her mind's a bit murky.
We gather with glee
Every year, just to see
What grandma has stuffed in her turkey.
'Tis a family tradition I blame
"Apple" is the pie that I claim
Though pleasantly vexin'
It's not one for sexin'
Despite "American Pie's" claim to fame
I'm so drunk - is this a turkey I've got?
I can't tell if it is or it's not
It's all just so blurry
And it feels kind of furry
Good God, I've just cooked my dog, Spot
...Please address ALL complaints directly to entrant....and do NOT throw red paint on my mink......it makes him squeak....
Holiday cooking can be such a pain,
Cleaning, cooking, and cleaning again.
It's becoming quite clear,
With each passing year,
That I'd rather just order a large plain.
Our wives usually exhibit such class.
They let our total lack of it pass.
But this time of year.
It`s the time they all fear.
Shoving their fist up Tom Turkey`s ass.
Holiday cooking for the clan
Means burning food and cutting a hand
So pinch a few pennies
And go eat at Denny's Hey!
1.99 for a side of Ham!
My sister, at cooking's a rookie
She can't even make a good cookie
Her gingerbread men
Sure, they LOOK like a gem
But somehow, they taste like a Wookie.
Some time after noon she starts servin',
And the scene can be quite un-nervin'.
The in-laws pile in
Let the chaos begin.
Thank goodness there's plenty of bourbon.
When dinner was served after blessing,
A question, one guest was expressing,
"Where are the giblets?"
Said one of the siblets..
"They're in that white bag in the dressing.."
The best way to deal with a turkey
Is to baste it with rum till you're murky
If it goes up in flames
You can just watch the games
And stuff yourself sick on beef jerky
There once was a man from Sandusky
Whose eating habits had made him too husky
As thanksgiving neared
His family all feared
That his feasting might make him go bust-ky!
There once was a man named Dan
Who got an overdose of Tryptophan
He pigged out on turkey
And on his way to work, he
Fell asleep at the wheel and t-boned a van
Stuffing and 20-pound gobbler
Ice cream on hot apple cobbler
With as much as I eat
All this holiday treat
I'll start the new year as a wobbler
This December I'm thinking I may
Put my cash on a five team parlay
I'm sure to feel like a winner
While I'm broke eating dinner
At the Vegas World Christmas buffet
I love sitting at our holiday table
With my parents, Uncle Joe, and Aunt Mable.
After excessive libation
And candid conversation
Now I know why my family's unstable.
Cooking for my family is tough
So I make sure they all eat enough
With turkey, stuffing and ham
Mashed potatoes and yams,
The bird's not the only thing "stuffed".
Sheesh! In my family, he who cooks NEVER cleans...or re-serves:
Cleaning up put a crick in my back
But the plates were all washed in the rack,
Finally, all done
By a quarter of one--
When spouse said, "Make me a SNACK."