If you flame your plum pudding with brandy
Always keep an extinguisher handy
Just in case there's a flash.
Your house may turn to ash!
No, that wouldn't be so fine and dandy.
Christmas fairies deserve sympathy.
It's a job that just wouldn't suit me.
To spend every Christmas
With a branch up one's ass
And then balanced on top of the tree??!!
New Year's Eve, and no plans have been made.
My wallet is thick cus I've finally been paid.
I don't need horns and loud poppers
Or raids from the coppers.
Friend, I just want to get laid.
It's always a Holiday Tradition.
That Santa goes out on his mission.
But he'll be late this year.
Because he landed on his rear.
When he fell in some reindeer emission.
On the holy eve it seems only right
There'd be Peace just for one night.
But we can't miss this--
It just wouldn't be Christmas
Without our traditional fight.
At holiday time we make merry,
And tradition'ly we all try very
Hard to drink hearty,
At the office party,
And nail that cute secretary.
Every Christmas ends the same way
And to add, to my utter dismay,
The In-laws start fighting.
Their kids are bellicosing
My poor dog, with a howl, runs away.
My uncle had a little too much 'nog
And he ended up in a rather big fog
Several hours later did commence
We found him lying by the fence
Snuggled nude with the neighbor's dog
Mistletoe, I cover myself in it
So female contact, I'm sure I will win it
By law, she must kiss
And no "part" to miss
Though it hurts like hell where I must pin it.
There once was a girl I used to know
And every Christmas to her house I would go
To see her decoration
With a slight alteration
Cause she replaced the mistle with a cameltoe
While setting up Holiday cheers
After consuming 110 beers
The ladder soon wobbled
And now I am hobbled
Entrapped in this damned chandelier
On Christmas we eat hot tamales
It's one of our family follys
Compared to the rest
It's just no contest
Burps and farts are how we get our jollys
This year, I'm engaged, so it's all new
Old traditions we keep, & some new
As we talked of this mission
We kinda started kissin'
And completely forgot old AND new, too!
On Halloween I'm out the door.
I crave that candy more and more.
My mom has a fit.
She says I should quit,
Just because I'm thirty-four.
My opinion of New Year's Eve is split
I love a party that just won't quit
But the wine, booze and beer
Make me start the New Year
Looking and feeling like $hit
Sounds like a Rumor - with Costner playing the fruit:
At Christmas when presents are unfurled
That fruitcake, I think, should be hurled
Hard as frozen ground
It keeps goin' around
I think there's just one in the world!