(updated 3 Jun 09) 

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On the Beach

The Quint-Winners:

"Does this bathing suit make my ass look big?" (terdeis@shaw.ca)

She was warned to stop breastfeeding her son... he is now 25. (AntKitty@antics.org)

"Damn, I put my water wings on backwards again." (nancymcf12@aol.com)

You should see her underwire bra. Bridges don't get that kind of support. (guitartexn@aol.com)

She never has a problem with guys staring at her tits...coz they can only stare at one at a time. (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

The Runners Up:

In one bit of good economic news, Coppertone stock just went up. (jaynashvil@aol.com)

"Believe me! I will NEVER wear a green halter top to a Gallagher show again!" (dennisilvr@aol.com)

This is what happens when you get a boob job from a plastic surgeon who used to work as a birthday party clown. (candaceelder2002@yahoo.com)

"Watch me touch my toes with out using my hands." (rampage1984@msn.com)

You can't tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine. For her, that's practically everywhere! (GerriHan65@aol.com)

"They've fallen and I can't get up!" (maxcel200@aol.com; retrometro@rogers.com)

Sally decided to get out of the sun, fearing that tan lines would make her tits look weird. (Truckerex@comcast.net)

"I'm not bragging, but I have to buy three airline tickets when I fly." (dennisilvr@aol.com)

"But what I really want to do is play the accordion." (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

"What do you think of my new hair color?" (tphyll@aol.com)

I bet her thighs NEVER get a tan. (arlenekader@aol.com)

"My husband stuttered when he told the genie he wanted a wife with 'D' cups." (mashallaha@aol.com)

She would put her plastic boobs in that recycling bin, if it wasn't full already. (steve_medel@oxy.com)

That reminds me dear. Should we get your mother a couple of hanging baskets for Mother's Day? (dennisilvr@aol.com)

There's motor-boating and then there's cruise-shipping. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

"Honey, Octo-Mom just called and said the kids are hungry again !" (jdcoops3@aol.com)

"Damnit Jim! Why do you keep putting Breast Enlargement Cream in my Suntan Lotion bottle?!" (dennisilvr@aol.com)

"Honey, where did you put the vat of sunscreen?" (shep@compascable.net)

"Yes, I have got milk! What made you ask?" (retrometro@rogers.com)

I'd pay her $100 to run like Pam Anderson down the beach... (arlenekader@aol.com)

No wonder her kids are so fat. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

"You put your two boobs in, you put your two boobs out, you put your two boobs in and ya shake 'em all about, you do the hokey-pokey and you knock yourself out...." (retrometro@rogers.com)

Finally, she can see her kneecaps. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

"Excuse me, but I have to go feed some baby whales." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The unfortunate consequence of PhotoShop and people with too much time on their hands. (gerg17@comcast.net)

Yeah, right, LIKE she's gonna stand up without any help. (seeker@vcoms.net)

And to think Karen's new born son is a bottle baby!! (steve_medel@oxy.com)

Life has returned to about normal on Bikini Atoll. (mashallaha@aol.com)

For one moment I thought a new Dali painting had been discovered -- "The Persistence of Mammary." (GerriHan65@aol.com)

"Over here! I am the one who ordered the 55 gallon of suntan oil." (mashallaha@aol.com)

The Black Widow... she's smothered her last 3 husbands. No one knows how. (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com)

"Who needs a Thigh Master?" (dennisilvr@aol.com)

This poor woman is just one example of not checking out your plastic surgeon's background. Who knew her doctor used cheap imitation implants that melted in the sun? Don't let this happen to you!!! (nancymcf12@aol.com)

Udderly shocking! (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Is there anyone out there not thinking that more then a mouthful is wasteful? (This even puts a "stretch" on a handful being fun.) (madavis62@windstream.net)

Lie down and rub lotion on your back? Sure, if we can use the lighthouse. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

So I guess that putting your make-up on when you drive must be easy for you. (esh3404716@aol.com)

She can tie them in a knot, she can tie them in a bow... hell, she can suspend herself from a helicopter with those bad boys! (Angeleyes1437@aol.com)

Got milk? (rampage1984@msn.com; luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Give Me The Power To Part The Sea, And These Triple G's. (naskarkid9@aol.com)

She's a shoe-in as a barista at Starbucks. She's got milk to spare. (ponytayl@cox.net)

Nice implants! OK, wait a minute, those aren't implants, those are GIANT ZUCCHINIS! (kilgoreandria@gmail.com)