(updated 31 May 04) 

Alcohol Research

The Co-Winners:

"I've got some great theories... I'm just looking for a little more 'proof'." (murdoctor@aol.com)

After swallowing $7.23 in change, Phil was back to square one with a new cup and a lesson learned. (borkat@comcast.net)

The Runners Up:

Oh sure, how do we know he won't blow it on blue chip stocks? (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

Researching whether or not alcohol will remove the waffle pattern now imprinted on his butt. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

Hey! Glen Campbell! Can you turn and face the camera for me? (Chick65@aol.com)

And the best part, ladies, he's single! (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

Date Log Day Three: Alcohol Level 10.42 Urine color: Still Yellow (Elemskt91@aol.com)

That's one radical sabbatical! (DA6030@cox.net)

The long-haired wig and the hat may be foolin' the good people of DC for now..but George W.'s lunch break is almost over... (allen018@aol.com)

John Kerry was campaigning in New York today. (mrxsandmanx@yahoo.com)

Recent graduate Alex, not realizing how expensive college was going to be, implements his first of many "get rich quick" schemes. (lovepeaceguy68@aol.com)

"They think I'M the drunk. THEY parked all these cars on the wrong side of the street!" (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

After more budget cuts to pay for the war in Iraq, the Bureau for Tobacco, Alcohol and Firearms had to hit the streets. (herontrainingnsc@aol.com)

Alcohol Research Report... -Sample size: Two (2) -Pop. characteristics: white, male, mid 30's. -Background: Fred called me a lightweight. I told him I could drink him under the table any time. He said "prove it!" -Materials: One (1) table. Four (4) bottles of tequila. Two (2) shot glasses. -Methods: Fred and I took turns doing tequila shots every 10 minutes until one of us fell over and landed under the table. -Results: Fred passed out after 12 shots. I think I made it to 16 but I'm not sure. I know I beat Fred though. -Conclusion: I need more money for additional research. Fred doesn't remember the study at all and still calls me a lightweight. (robtone247@yahoo.com)

With the economy booming, Phil was able to expand to two cups. (borkat@comcast.net)

If you look clo sely...under his crate is his lab-coat which he will pull out in cases of dire straits... (allen018@aol.com)

Dr. Malcolm had an unorthodox way of supplementing his university grant for researching alternatives to fossil fuels. (murdoctor@aol.com)

I didn't give you permission to use my image on this website. Now my wife is going to know where I am every Saturday morning. (khalazdad@adelphia.net)

Who said our schools are terrible...he spelled everything right. (witsend@sevinex.com)

The irony of the poor fellow's having to use milk containers on which to make his appeal was not lost on the photographer. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Give the guy a buck. But if they want a match in order to do methane research, get the heck out of the Mexican restaurant pronto. (skibip@aol.com)

"I don't call it a still, it's corn rye atom smasher." (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

Tango tried to make it on his own after their movie bombed. (mashallaha@aol.com)

For 2 coins you can actually stay and watch as he attempts to document the effects that vomit has on cement... (allen018@aol.com)

I participated in one of those and I woke up next to an ugly girl the day after. (Mistahtom@aol.com)

The sign worked great, except he got more inquiries where to sign up for the research project than to donate. (witsend@sevinex.com)

Where is that guy in the question mark suit that screams about government grants when you need him? (tainsam@aol.com)

The other side of the sign says "Will NOT Work For Food". (rod.renner@juno.com)

The winner in the "Truth in advertising" category goes to... (Joker@TheKidders.com)